Greetings loyal readers.
First, let me say that I know little of Zen, and My New, New Boss knows even less about the art of filter selection.
I have been having a hard time getting back into the groove of writing about the Biotech Mecca. Part of the reason is that I have lost the angst. I guess I just need to channel my inner lunatic in order to get on with the posting.
Why have I lost the angst, you may ask. If you are asking, then maybe you have been living under a rock. Free! Free, at last!
Yes, I no longer work at the mecca. What does that mean? It means that I don't come home from work a battered, enraged, vengeful lunatic. (Picture Khan from Star Trek II.)
Now, I was raised to value a hard days work, and I resolved to work hard right up until the end. My final task was to select a set of optimized fluorescence filters. Filter selection is half art, and half science, so I wanted leave things in a state where the project wouldn't tank because I had done a poor job. (I wanted the project to tank because the management is a bunch of lying, incompetent weasels.)
On my last day, I handed my spreadsheets over to MNNB (my new, new boss.) I pointed out that the instrument may have problems getting enough light to give good signals, and that they may want to investigate using a brighter light bulb. And with that final warning, I departed for Avalon.
The following story is retold from the account given by the Sarcastic Brit. He may be somewhat jaded, however. Actually, if I am Khan, I would say that the Sarcastic Brit ranks at least a Hamlet.
Everybody knows that Canadians are slow. (Just ask Captain Fantastic.) If the Harbinger of Doom can pick out filters, MNNB can do it way better. He told the Sarcastic Brit so. He proclaimed that all he had to do was move the blocking bands around and there was plenty of light. He couldn't understand why I had done it the way I did.
So, this is where the science comes in.
Fluorescence works like this: Shine blue light onto the sample. The sample turns the blue light into green light. You need to collect as much of the green light as you can. The problem is: where does blue end and green begin? That is the art. You want the blue light be be as close to green as possible. You want the green light to be as close to blue as possible. If you get too close though, you end up staring into the sun without your sunglasses.
Unfortunately for MNNB, he did not ken the art of filter selection. The end result: $25,000 worth of $h!t on a stick.
I am forced to ask what would cause a supposedly experienced engineer to spend that much money buying something that was designed by a rank amateur? I guess that the only explanation is arrogance. Like my new house? I built it myself. (But, the roof is caving in.) Nonsense, you are just jealous of my architectural prowess.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm Back
Greetings patient and not so patient readers.
I realize that it has been a LONG time since my last post. I can only say that I have been very busy plotting the demise of the Biotech Mecca.
Anyway, I have a little bit of email regarding an article in a trade rag. It made me laugh, so I've been meaning to share. The email that is - not the trade rag. It would be quite a feat to make that funny.
The Sarcastic Brit:
validation of the Blockhead's method.
Fucking brilliant. I should make a paper aeroplane of it and throw it to the consultants in the next meeting.
The Blockhead:
You flatter me too much…
I wasn’t the one that come up with it in the first place. Papers about it had been published before I even knew what PCR was. My main contribution was realizing its value and choosing it over other approaches.
The Consultant has been involved in some other curve fitting approaches. He is pretty knowledgeable about all of this; his name is even on a patent.
The Other Consultant, on the other hand, seemed to be stubbornly stuck in the 90’s. At least until the ‘shootout’ a few months ago, when his method performed miserably. I must admit to a profound sense of satisfaction at the time. After all, he had gone out of his way to badmouth my approach before, without any evidence to back it up.
The Sarcastic Brit:
Oh yes, he of the fantastic optical design skills.
ah, a perfect fit for the Mecca. He is a consultant so he must be good!
The Blockhead:
Apparently, the most important aspect of being a successful consultant is a vastly inflated sense of self-worth.
Everything else falls into place…
The Sarcastic Brit:
So how come you are a consultant then?
:-)
The Blockhead:
Well, I have been agonizing over this very question for a long time…
I realize that it has been a LONG time since my last post. I can only say that I have been very busy plotting the demise of the Biotech Mecca.
Anyway, I have a little bit of email regarding an article in a trade rag. It made me laugh, so I've been meaning to share. The email that is - not the trade rag. It would be quite a feat to make that funny.
The Sarcastic Brit:
validation of the Blockhead's method.
Fucking brilliant. I should make a paper aeroplane of it and throw it to the consultants in the next meeting.
The Blockhead:
You flatter me too much…
I wasn’t the one that come up with it in the first place. Papers about it had been published before I even knew what PCR was. My main contribution was realizing its value and choosing it over other approaches.
The Consultant has been involved in some other curve fitting approaches. He is pretty knowledgeable about all of this; his name is even on a patent.
The Other Consultant, on the other hand, seemed to be stubbornly stuck in the 90’s. At least until the ‘shootout’ a few months ago, when his method performed miserably. I must admit to a profound sense of satisfaction at the time. After all, he had gone out of his way to badmouth my approach before, without any evidence to back it up.
The Sarcastic Brit:
Oh yes, he of the fantastic optical design skills.
ah, a perfect fit for the Mecca. He is a consultant so he must be good!
The Blockhead:
Apparently, the most important aspect of being a successful consultant is a vastly inflated sense of self-worth.
Everything else falls into place…
The Sarcastic Brit:
So how come you are a consultant then?
:-)
The Blockhead:
Well, I have been agonizing over this very question for a long time…
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Dog Ate My Homework - Part 2
So I was discussing the glorious ray tracing results with the Sarcastic Brit, who took one look and said "Why the hell are the mirrors so big?"
I looked at it, and said "I don't know. But the Big Boy did it, so they can't be wrong."
Then, I went back to my desk and used some of my vast knowledge of grade 12 physics to come up with a new set of numbers. They were vastly different than what the consultant had produced with the $1000 + software package (that he's apparently running on a Trash 80). So, I went to the lab and I set the distances in the prototype. It turns out that grade 12 physics (and a supposedly incompetent engineer), give more realistic results than the $100/hour consultant and his $1000 software.
I mentioned this to MNNB. I don't think he believed me. I showed him the prototype. He had to admit that I was right.
He was right: I learned a lot from working with the consultant. Mostly, that if a consultant doesn't want the work, paying him won't make him do it.
I looked at it, and said "I don't know. But the Big Boy did it, so they can't be wrong."
Then, I went back to my desk and used some of my vast knowledge of grade 12 physics to come up with a new set of numbers. They were vastly different than what the consultant had produced with the $1000 + software package (that he's apparently running on a Trash 80). So, I went to the lab and I set the distances in the prototype. It turns out that grade 12 physics (and a supposedly incompetent engineer), give more realistic results than the $100/hour consultant and his $1000 software.
I mentioned this to MNNB. I don't think he believed me. I showed him the prototype. He had to admit that I was right.
He was right: I learned a lot from working with the consultant. Mostly, that if a consultant doesn't want the work, paying him won't make him do it.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The dog ate my homework - part 1
So... classic Mecca management:
You don't like one of your engineers. You want to insult him. So, you hire a consultant at $100/hour to do his job.
You tell your engineer that the consultant is brilliant. You tell him that he could absorb vast amounts of knowledge just by being in the proximity of this consultant.
You call the consultant "the big boy" in front of half of the company and tell your engineer that he can't do anything useful. Just let the consultant do it all.
You tell your engineer that you might agree to let him set up the consultant's model on the bread board, just so that he can bask in the greatness of the consultant's overpowering intellect.
Then... the line went dead. The consultant disappeared.
He said that he was very busy. Too busy, in fact to reply to email.
Apparently, the consultant does not own a cell phone.
Apparently, the consultant has more important clients.
Finally, MNNB emailed the consultant to find out why we hadn't received the ray tracing. The line remained dead. MNNB tried calling the consultant's house. He didn't answer.
After one week, I emailed the consultant and asked him how he was doing. His response went something like this:
I have been working on the ray tracing, but it runs very slowly on my computer, and that's why I haven't been able to provide you guys with anything.
Two hours later, I have 1/2 of the ray trace. Fantastic... The assignment was half done, and over a week past due. If we were back in school, I'm pretty sure that would amount to an F. Of course the consultant is brilliant, so his invoices will be paid in full and on time.
now I can prototype the thing and bask in the consultant's brilliance...
You don't like one of your engineers. You want to insult him. So, you hire a consultant at $100/hour to do his job.
You tell your engineer that the consultant is brilliant. You tell him that he could absorb vast amounts of knowledge just by being in the proximity of this consultant.
You call the consultant "the big boy" in front of half of the company and tell your engineer that he can't do anything useful. Just let the consultant do it all.
You tell your engineer that you might agree to let him set up the consultant's model on the bread board, just so that he can bask in the greatness of the consultant's overpowering intellect.
Then... the line went dead. The consultant disappeared.
He said that he was very busy. Too busy, in fact to reply to email.
Apparently, the consultant does not own a cell phone.
Apparently, the consultant has more important clients.
Finally, MNNB emailed the consultant to find out why we hadn't received the ray tracing. The line remained dead. MNNB tried calling the consultant's house. He didn't answer.
After one week, I emailed the consultant and asked him how he was doing. His response went something like this:
I have been working on the ray tracing, but it runs very slowly on my computer, and that's why I haven't been able to provide you guys with anything.
Two hours later, I have 1/2 of the ray trace. Fantastic... The assignment was half done, and over a week past due. If we were back in school, I'm pretty sure that would amount to an F. Of course the consultant is brilliant, so his invoices will be paid in full and on time.
now I can prototype the thing and bask in the consultant's brilliance...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The Blockhead
Greetings, patient readers. My apologies for going so long between posts again, but I have been plotting the demise of the Mecca.
In other news.... I want to write about an often overlooked character at the Mecca.
It turns out that ALL of the software for the flagship instrument platform was written by one guy. That's right... hardware control, UI, algorithms, all written by one lonely guy. The best part about this guy is that he's not even an actually employee at the Mecca - he's a contractor.
So... you might ask why a "world leading" biotechnology company would entrust their entire platform to a consultant. Then, of course you remember that it's the Mecca, and such foolishness is their forte.
I have actually known the Blockhead for a long time. He worked with the Mad Man and I back in the Northland. Unfortunately, due to some strangeness with citizenship and visas and sheer blockheadedness, the Blockhead was unable (perhaps too wise) to get sucked out to Silicon Valley. So, the Blockhead sat is his cave and developed the software without even an instrument to work with. It's truly impressive.
You may be thinking by now that the Blockhead is brilliant. Perhaps he's brilliant when it comes to computer programming, but as the Sarcastic Brit is fond of reminding him "stick to the ones and zeros!"
You see... most people would realize that they are the key to the whole thing and take advantage of the situation. Not the Blockhead. When he had to face down the CFO for contract negotiations, it went something like this:
CFO: Blockhead, you've done some fantastic work, but times are tough, so we can't pay you for as many hours per month.
Blockhead: That's ok, I guess. I am already working twice as many hours as you are paying me for, so I won't really notice working a few more free hours. After all, the decreased value of the US dollar has eroded my wages as well, so I shouldn't even notice that you are paying me less money.
CFO: That's a fantastic way to look at it. I'll give you some underwater stock options as well.
Blockhead: That sounds totally fair.
Harbinger: I have a present for you Blockhead. Here is a bag that says "Mecca Magic Beans". If you plant them in your back yard, maybe a beanstalk will grow that will lead you to the goose that lays the golden eggs.
Blockhead: Cool. I'll have to try it.
Does anybody know: Will white beans grow to give you a beanstalk or a bush??? I guess that it's as likely of a thing as those stock options.
In other news.... I want to write about an often overlooked character at the Mecca.
It turns out that ALL of the software for the flagship instrument platform was written by one guy. That's right... hardware control, UI, algorithms, all written by one lonely guy. The best part about this guy is that he's not even an actually employee at the Mecca - he's a contractor.
So... you might ask why a "world leading" biotechnology company would entrust their entire platform to a consultant. Then, of course you remember that it's the Mecca, and such foolishness is their forte.
I have actually known the Blockhead for a long time. He worked with the Mad Man and I back in the Northland. Unfortunately, due to some strangeness with citizenship and visas and sheer blockheadedness, the Blockhead was unable (perhaps too wise) to get sucked out to Silicon Valley. So, the Blockhead sat is his cave and developed the software without even an instrument to work with. It's truly impressive.
You may be thinking by now that the Blockhead is brilliant. Perhaps he's brilliant when it comes to computer programming, but as the Sarcastic Brit is fond of reminding him "stick to the ones and zeros!"
You see... most people would realize that they are the key to the whole thing and take advantage of the situation. Not the Blockhead. When he had to face down the CFO for contract negotiations, it went something like this:
CFO: Blockhead, you've done some fantastic work, but times are tough, so we can't pay you for as many hours per month.
Blockhead: That's ok, I guess. I am already working twice as many hours as you are paying me for, so I won't really notice working a few more free hours. After all, the decreased value of the US dollar has eroded my wages as well, so I shouldn't even notice that you are paying me less money.
CFO: That's a fantastic way to look at it. I'll give you some underwater stock options as well.
Blockhead: That sounds totally fair.
Harbinger: I have a present for you Blockhead. Here is a bag that says "Mecca Magic Beans". If you plant them in your back yard, maybe a beanstalk will grow that will lead you to the goose that lays the golden eggs.
Blockhead: Cool. I'll have to try it.
Does anybody know: Will white beans grow to give you a beanstalk or a bush??? I guess that it's as likely of a thing as those stock options.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Launch the Torpedos
Greetings avid readers. Please don't faint - it's two posts in a week. What can I say? The Mecca is a happening place.
So... you run a company, and you have been trying to bolster the share price so that you can find more little girls willing to let you steal their stuff. What do you do? You could always resort to the "product launch". Who cares that you've been trying to sell your product for six months already? Who cares that it really doesn't work? Who cares that you have no defined way to determine if a customer installation was successful? Who cares that the engineering team is coming up with band-aids daily? It doesn't matter. The fact is that nothing jazzes investors like a good product launch. Of course nothing sinks a ship like a good torpedo launch either.
Swiper and the Fearful COO have disappeared from sight in order to concoct a way to get the most mileage from a momentous event that they will be unable to recycle for at least six months. Of course, the hiding phase is followed by the now familiar flurry of activity. Change the company logo. Change the company colours. How about those press releases that really say nothing? Perhaps that is a result of the fact that the Mecca is currently in litigation with the company that does their media relations. Something about unpaid invoices. Or maybe there's nothing to say that wouldn't result in an SEC investigation. But, I digress.
Anyway, all of the pieces are in place. Recycle the same "customers" that we have been "shipping product to" since the very beginning. These guys have seen lots of instruments. Some day, they might actually pay for one. The only missing element is the company bling. It's a product launch, so they need to do something nice. They need to make sure that we feel that our dedication and team work are deeply appreciated. So, they gave out very nice polo shirts with the company logo.
I know what you are thinking right now... "what's wrong with that?" I forgot to mention that directors, VP's, and important people got that. The Proles got tacky plastic lunch boxes, defective coffee cups that hold approximately 1.5 ounces of coffee (trust me... that may be a favour though), and slightly different shirt. Rather than the nice polo shirt, the peons got $2 T's with the following slogan. "$mart A$$ays, not Half A$$ays". Great. My employer gave me a shirt that's too vulgar to wear to work. That's class.
Note that my security team has insisted that I replace the S's with $'s. Although, after a quick web search, it seems that even the marketing geniuses at the Mecca are not dumb enough to use that slogan in their literature.
So... you run a company, and you have been trying to bolster the share price so that you can find more little girls willing to let you steal their stuff. What do you do? You could always resort to the "product launch". Who cares that you've been trying to sell your product for six months already? Who cares that it really doesn't work? Who cares that you have no defined way to determine if a customer installation was successful? Who cares that the engineering team is coming up with band-aids daily? It doesn't matter. The fact is that nothing jazzes investors like a good product launch. Of course nothing sinks a ship like a good torpedo launch either.
Swiper and the Fearful COO have disappeared from sight in order to concoct a way to get the most mileage from a momentous event that they will be unable to recycle for at least six months. Of course, the hiding phase is followed by the now familiar flurry of activity. Change the company logo. Change the company colours. How about those press releases that really say nothing? Perhaps that is a result of the fact that the Mecca is currently in litigation with the company that does their media relations. Something about unpaid invoices. Or maybe there's nothing to say that wouldn't result in an SEC investigation. But, I digress.
Anyway, all of the pieces are in place. Recycle the same "customers" that we have been "shipping product to" since the very beginning. These guys have seen lots of instruments. Some day, they might actually pay for one. The only missing element is the company bling. It's a product launch, so they need to do something nice. They need to make sure that we feel that our dedication and team work are deeply appreciated. So, they gave out very nice polo shirts with the company logo.
I know what you are thinking right now... "what's wrong with that?" I forgot to mention that directors, VP's, and important people got that. The Proles got tacky plastic lunch boxes, defective coffee cups that hold approximately 1.5 ounces of coffee (trust me... that may be a favour though), and slightly different shirt. Rather than the nice polo shirt, the peons got $2 T's with the following slogan. "$mart A$$ays, not Half A$$ays". Great. My employer gave me a shirt that's too vulgar to wear to work. That's class.
Note that my security team has insisted that I replace the S's with $'s. Although, after a quick web search, it seems that even the marketing geniuses at the Mecca are not dumb enough to use that slogan in their literature.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Harbinger of Doom Versus the Stupid Acronym
This post will henceforth be known as HODVSTSA, in order to keep competing blogs (or Scott Adams) from stealing my material.
I must apologize for not having blogged for a while, but all of my mental energy is consumed by learning the names of all of the new employees at the Mecca. We now have five applications scientists. Four of them are in United states. Strange, since our US install base consists of two instruments presently. The new characters in this post are:
My Next New Boss
This is one of MNB's cronies that he brought in from his former (tanking employer). His cronies now compose over 2/3 of the engineering team. He has also been parachuting them into manufacturing, product management, and any other function he can drive a wedge into.
The Product Mismanager
This is another of MNB's cronies, although he was not billed as such, the Product Mismanager admitted it to me. Apparently, he thought that it would impress me. The Sarcastic Brit's first comment on this particularly character: Wow – just think of the material that you will get from him!
The Borg (only 5 so far but the mothership is coming)
Yep, they have hired five apps guys to support effectively two instruments (although it may be up to a whopping 10 instruments by the end of the year. ) That's two instruments per guy. Oh right, our service engineer is still doing all of the installations and real work. What are these guys doing? They are home based... so my guess is – sucking at the corporate teet.
This except is from a real email thread that started with some remote troubleshooting of a customer unit by one of the new applications chemists that we hired and threw out into the field with two day's training.
Borg – 1 of 5
MNNB
Could you do me a favor and translate that into English?
Seriously, what is a cylinder. My guess is that it extends and retracts the platform?
Thanks.
Borg – 1 of 5
MNNB
Borg – 1 of 5,
The [brand 1] cylinder is the rotary and up-down air cylinder that moves the sample holder in and out of the instrument.
Pardon the vernacular. When I got here I also wondered what “snoots” and “choils” were here till someone told me.
MNNB
Borg – 1 of 5
MNNB,
You are just torturing me. You mean to tell me that you aren’t going to include the definitions of “snoots” and “choils”? I have no idea of what they are either!
Thanks!
Borg – 1 of 5
Product Mismanager
Hi,
As a side note, I would really, really encourage us to not reference any outside component vendors in our discussions – internally and externally.
I’ve heard: [brand 1] and [brand 2]. Please refrain from using these references in the future. It will be a vernacular change.
These should be the [our stupid product part 1] and [our stupid product part 2], respectfully.
I realize these are a mouthful…
Snoots and choils are OK for now since no one seemed to know what they are…
I’ll be implementing a piggy bank approach and getting people to pay $1/reference.
Thanks for your support and I’m really pretty laid back…
Harbinger
Not to cause trouble, but doesn’t it make it hard to procure parts if we are not allowed to discuss vendor identities? I tried your idea of vague descriptions on a couple of the POs that I had to file today, and finance was unappreciative.
When I told them that this was your suggestion, the Used Car Salesman asked me to email you for clarification.
Cheers,
Harbinger.
And for those of you wondering if I actually submitted PO requests with the company names removed... Do you really need to ask. Of course I did, and then ran as fast as I could from the Dragon Lady :D
I must apologize for not having blogged for a while, but all of my mental energy is consumed by learning the names of all of the new employees at the Mecca. We now have five applications scientists. Four of them are in United states. Strange, since our US install base consists of two instruments presently. The new characters in this post are:
My Next New Boss
This is one of MNB's cronies that he brought in from his former (tanking employer). His cronies now compose over 2/3 of the engineering team. He has also been parachuting them into manufacturing, product management, and any other function he can drive a wedge into.
The Product Mismanager
This is another of MNB's cronies, although he was not billed as such, the Product Mismanager admitted it to me. Apparently, he thought that it would impress me. The Sarcastic Brit's first comment on this particularly character: Wow – just think of the material that you will get from him!
The Borg (only 5 so far but the mothership is coming)
Yep, they have hired five apps guys to support effectively two instruments (although it may be up to a whopping 10 instruments by the end of the year. ) That's two instruments per guy. Oh right, our service engineer is still doing all of the installations and real work. What are these guys doing? They are home based... so my guess is – sucking at the corporate teet.
This except is from a real email thread that started with some remote troubleshooting of a customer unit by one of the new applications chemists that we hired and threw out into the field with two day's training.
Borg – 1 of 5
MNNB
Could you do me a favor and translate that into English?
Seriously, what is a
Thanks.
Borg – 1 of 5
MNNB
Borg – 1 of 5,
The [brand 1] cylinder is the rotary and up-down air cylinder that moves the sample holder in and out of the instrument.
Pardon the vernacular. When I got here I also wondered what “snoots” and “choils” were here till someone told me.
MNNB
Borg – 1 of 5
MNNB,
You are just torturing me. You mean to tell me that you aren’t going to include the definitions of “snoots” and “choils”? I have no idea of what they are either!
Thanks!
Borg – 1 of 5
Product Mismanager
Hi,
As a side note, I would really, really encourage us to not reference any outside component vendors in our discussions – internally and externally.
I’ve heard: [brand 1] and [brand 2]. Please refrain from using these references in the future. It will be a vernacular change.
These should be the [our stupid product part 1] and [our stupid product part 2], respectfully.
I realize these are a mouthful…
Snoots and choils are OK for now since no one seemed to know what they are…
I’ll be implementing a piggy bank approach and getting people to pay $1/reference.
Thanks for your support and I’m really pretty laid back…
Harbinger
Not to cause trouble, but doesn’t it make it hard to procure parts if we are not allowed to discuss vendor identities? I tried your idea of vague descriptions on a couple of the POs that I had to file today, and finance was unappreciative.
When I told them that this was your suggestion, the Used Car Salesman asked me to email you for clarification.
Cheers,
Harbinger.
And for those of you wondering if I actually submitted PO requests with the company names removed... Do you really need to ask. Of course I did, and then ran as fast as I could from the Dragon Lady :D
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