Greetings loyal readers.
First, let me say that I know little of Zen, and My New, New Boss knows even less about the art of filter selection.
I have been having a hard time getting back into the groove of writing about the Biotech Mecca. Part of the reason is that I have lost the angst. I guess I just need to channel my inner lunatic in order to get on with the posting.
Why have I lost the angst, you may ask. If you are asking, then maybe you have been living under a rock. Free! Free, at last!
Yes, I no longer work at the mecca. What does that mean? It means that I don't come home from work a battered, enraged, vengeful lunatic. (Picture Khan from Star Trek II.)
Now, I was raised to value a hard days work, and I resolved to work hard right up until the end. My final task was to select a set of optimized fluorescence filters. Filter selection is half art, and half science, so I wanted leave things in a state where the project wouldn't tank because I had done a poor job. (I wanted the project to tank because the management is a bunch of lying, incompetent weasels.)
On my last day, I handed my spreadsheets over to MNNB (my new, new boss.) I pointed out that the instrument may have problems getting enough light to give good signals, and that they may want to investigate using a brighter light bulb. And with that final warning, I departed for Avalon.
The following story is retold from the account given by the Sarcastic Brit. He may be somewhat jaded, however. Actually, if I am Khan, I would say that the Sarcastic Brit ranks at least a Hamlet.
Everybody knows that Canadians are slow. (Just ask Captain Fantastic.) If the Harbinger of Doom can pick out filters, MNNB can do it way better. He told the Sarcastic Brit so. He proclaimed that all he had to do was move the blocking bands around and there was plenty of light. He couldn't understand why I had done it the way I did.
So, this is where the science comes in.
Fluorescence works like this: Shine blue light onto the sample. The sample turns the blue light into green light. You need to collect as much of the green light as you can. The problem is: where does blue end and green begin? That is the art. You want the blue light be be as close to green as possible. You want the green light to be as close to blue as possible. If you get too close though, you end up staring into the sun without your sunglasses.
Unfortunately for MNNB, he did not ken the art of filter selection. The end result: $25,000 worth of $h!t on a stick.
I am forced to ask what would cause a supposedly experienced engineer to spend that much money buying something that was designed by a rank amateur? I guess that the only explanation is arrogance. Like my new house? I built it myself. (But, the roof is caving in.) Nonsense, you are just jealous of my architectural prowess.
Showing posts with label Sarcastic Brit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarcastic Brit. Show all posts
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I'm Back
Greetings patient and not so patient readers.
I realize that it has been a LONG time since my last post. I can only say that I have been very busy plotting the demise of the Biotech Mecca.
Anyway, I have a little bit of email regarding an article in a trade rag. It made me laugh, so I've been meaning to share. The email that is - not the trade rag. It would be quite a feat to make that funny.
The Sarcastic Brit:
validation of the Blockhead's method.
Fucking brilliant. I should make a paper aeroplane of it and throw it to the consultants in the next meeting.
The Blockhead:
You flatter me too much…
I wasn’t the one that come up with it in the first place. Papers about it had been published before I even knew what PCR was. My main contribution was realizing its value and choosing it over other approaches.
The Consultant has been involved in some other curve fitting approaches. He is pretty knowledgeable about all of this; his name is even on a patent.
The Other Consultant, on the other hand, seemed to be stubbornly stuck in the 90’s. At least until the ‘shootout’ a few months ago, when his method performed miserably. I must admit to a profound sense of satisfaction at the time. After all, he had gone out of his way to badmouth my approach before, without any evidence to back it up.
The Sarcastic Brit:
Oh yes, he of the fantastic optical design skills.
ah, a perfect fit for the Mecca. He is a consultant so he must be good!
The Blockhead:
Apparently, the most important aspect of being a successful consultant is a vastly inflated sense of self-worth.
Everything else falls into place…
The Sarcastic Brit:
So how come you are a consultant then?
:-)
The Blockhead:
Well, I have been agonizing over this very question for a long time…
I realize that it has been a LONG time since my last post. I can only say that I have been very busy plotting the demise of the Biotech Mecca.
Anyway, I have a little bit of email regarding an article in a trade rag. It made me laugh, so I've been meaning to share. The email that is - not the trade rag. It would be quite a feat to make that funny.
The Sarcastic Brit:
validation of the Blockhead's method.
Fucking brilliant. I should make a paper aeroplane of it and throw it to the consultants in the next meeting.
The Blockhead:
You flatter me too much…
I wasn’t the one that come up with it in the first place. Papers about it had been published before I even knew what PCR was. My main contribution was realizing its value and choosing it over other approaches.
The Consultant has been involved in some other curve fitting approaches. He is pretty knowledgeable about all of this; his name is even on a patent.
The Other Consultant, on the other hand, seemed to be stubbornly stuck in the 90’s. At least until the ‘shootout’ a few months ago, when his method performed miserably. I must admit to a profound sense of satisfaction at the time. After all, he had gone out of his way to badmouth my approach before, without any evidence to back it up.
The Sarcastic Brit:
Oh yes, he of the fantastic optical design skills.
ah, a perfect fit for the Mecca. He is a consultant so he must be good!
The Blockhead:
Apparently, the most important aspect of being a successful consultant is a vastly inflated sense of self-worth.
Everything else falls into place…
The Sarcastic Brit:
So how come you are a consultant then?
:-)
The Blockhead:
Well, I have been agonizing over this very question for a long time…
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Dog Ate My Homework - Part 2
So I was discussing the glorious ray tracing results with the Sarcastic Brit, who took one look and said "Why the hell are the mirrors so big?"
I looked at it, and said "I don't know. But the Big Boy did it, so they can't be wrong."
Then, I went back to my desk and used some of my vast knowledge of grade 12 physics to come up with a new set of numbers. They were vastly different than what the consultant had produced with the $1000 + software package (that he's apparently running on a Trash 80). So, I went to the lab and I set the distances in the prototype. It turns out that grade 12 physics (and a supposedly incompetent engineer), give more realistic results than the $100/hour consultant and his $1000 software.
I mentioned this to MNNB. I don't think he believed me. I showed him the prototype. He had to admit that I was right.
He was right: I learned a lot from working with the consultant. Mostly, that if a consultant doesn't want the work, paying him won't make him do it.
I looked at it, and said "I don't know. But the Big Boy did it, so they can't be wrong."
Then, I went back to my desk and used some of my vast knowledge of grade 12 physics to come up with a new set of numbers. They were vastly different than what the consultant had produced with the $1000 + software package (that he's apparently running on a Trash 80). So, I went to the lab and I set the distances in the prototype. It turns out that grade 12 physics (and a supposedly incompetent engineer), give more realistic results than the $100/hour consultant and his $1000 software.
I mentioned this to MNNB. I don't think he believed me. I showed him the prototype. He had to admit that I was right.
He was right: I learned a lot from working with the consultant. Mostly, that if a consultant doesn't want the work, paying him won't make him do it.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Outline of the CFO
Thanks everybody for your patience (those of you who have not left for pastures in which the grass grows faster.)
Since I have just spent the last two weeks on vacation, I have little new to report. The Mecca continues to be bilked by consultants who charge copious amounts of money for designing piles of poo. MNB now refuses to even talk to the Sarcastic Brit or I. We have effectively been barred from doing any useful work. In fact, I got in on Friday (first day back from vacation) at 10:00 am, and left at 3:00 pm. I also took an hour for lunch. Nobody noticed or complained. But, I digress. Tonight I want to talk about a Mecca all star. The CFO. This character has since been removed, but it took a long time, and the damage that he did was incalculable.
He would walk around stroking his mustache. I am not sure if he ever understood what he was seeing or asking about, but whenever things got stressful, you could count on the CFO to come out of his office to watch you work and ask dumb questions while stroking the mustache,
Although it has been said that the CFO did not know the difference between a debit or a credit, he was well versed in the fact that giving people money resulted in having less of it. To this end, he was constantly trying to save a few bucks, and refused to pay people any earlier than necessary.
When the Sarcastic Brit first started at the Mecca, he was given the job of trying to sort out the IT situation. This was not easy considering the fact that the entire infrastructure was originally set up by a bunch of guys were were lucky to find the on switch on their computers. Needless to say, his first task was to order a bunch of computer equipment. Since there was no purchasing procedure, he just called up Dell and ordered the computers on his credit card. He then submitted his expense report of $5000 and waited to see the check.
Unfortunately, the check didn't arrive, even after a month. So, the Sarcastic Brit started to inquire as to when he might get his money back. The answer was always soon. Unfortunately, soon never seemed to arrive. The situation was finally resolved by the Sarcastic Brit waking into the CFO's office and sitting down.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting for my money.
I'll sign the check soon.
I've heard that one before.
Well... these things take time.
That's OK, I'll wait.
In here?
Yes.
Don't you have work to do?
Yes, but I want my money, so I am going to sit in here and remind you that you need to write me a check.
Let me see what I can do.
Please do.
In the end, it only took a couple of hours of targeted looming on the part of the Sarcastic Brit before he got his money.
Of course, our suppliers never figured out the trick of sitting in the CFO's office, so they would routinely go unpaid for months at a time. I have to admit that it's really embarrassing to call up a vendor regarding a bunch of parts that you desperately need, only to find out that the reason they haven't been shipped is that your employer is on the infamous "credit hold". The worst part of it is that you start to wonder if you next pay check is on the list of payments that "can wait".
Since I have just spent the last two weeks on vacation, I have little new to report. The Mecca continues to be bilked by consultants who charge copious amounts of money for designing piles of poo. MNB now refuses to even talk to the Sarcastic Brit or I. We have effectively been barred from doing any useful work. In fact, I got in on Friday (first day back from vacation) at 10:00 am, and left at 3:00 pm. I also took an hour for lunch. Nobody noticed or complained. But, I digress. Tonight I want to talk about a Mecca all star. The CFO. This character has since been removed, but it took a long time, and the damage that he did was incalculable.
He would walk around stroking his mustache. I am not sure if he ever understood what he was seeing or asking about, but whenever things got stressful, you could count on the CFO to come out of his office to watch you work and ask dumb questions while stroking the mustache,
Although it has been said that the CFO did not know the difference between a debit or a credit, he was well versed in the fact that giving people money resulted in having less of it. To this end, he was constantly trying to save a few bucks, and refused to pay people any earlier than necessary.
When the Sarcastic Brit first started at the Mecca, he was given the job of trying to sort out the IT situation. This was not easy considering the fact that the entire infrastructure was originally set up by a bunch of guys were were lucky to find the on switch on their computers. Needless to say, his first task was to order a bunch of computer equipment. Since there was no purchasing procedure, he just called up Dell and ordered the computers on his credit card. He then submitted his expense report of $5000 and waited to see the check.
Unfortunately, the check didn't arrive, even after a month. So, the Sarcastic Brit started to inquire as to when he might get his money back. The answer was always soon. Unfortunately, soon never seemed to arrive. The situation was finally resolved by the Sarcastic Brit waking into the CFO's office and sitting down.
What are you doing?
I'm waiting for my money.
I'll sign the check soon.
I've heard that one before.
Well... these things take time.
That's OK, I'll wait.
In here?
Yes.
Don't you have work to do?
Yes, but I want my money, so I am going to sit in here and remind you that you need to write me a check.
Let me see what I can do.
Please do.
In the end, it only took a couple of hours of targeted looming on the part of the Sarcastic Brit before he got his money.
Of course, our suppliers never figured out the trick of sitting in the CFO's office, so they would routinely go unpaid for months at a time. I have to admit that it's really embarrassing to call up a vendor regarding a bunch of parts that you desperately need, only to find out that the reason they haven't been shipped is that your employer is on the infamous "credit hold". The worst part of it is that you start to wonder if you next pay check is on the list of payments that "can wait".
Friday, June 25, 2010
Garfield
Greetings patient readers.
Since this is Friday, I will keep the post short. It seems that Jaba has been trying to hire himself some competent people. So... he hired an intern. That seems to be a term they use here in Silicon Valley for somebody with a degree (who may even be competent), but no work experience, and hence should expect to be treated like crap. Anyway, they hired this intern and immediately placed her under the tender loving care of the Chihuahua. Please check previous posts if you forget. (I only wish that I could.)
The intern seems kind of cat-like to me. She has the same all knowing, self assured attitude of a cat that is quizzically watching you as you do something stupid. Looking at you as if to say "What are you thinking? You know that I could do better, if I could be bothered". Needless to say, Garfield immediately gravitated toward the Sarcastic Brit, and uses his office to hide from her "boss".
This is a typical discussion:
Of course, I'm not so sure about this one. Garfield has another job offer. When she went to Jaba to see what he would do to try to match it, he offered her a chance to work more closely with the Sarcastic Brit and I. Apparently, we are being used as bait. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I told Garfield not to fall for it... run while you can. She was at work today.
P.T. Barnum wins another round.
Since this is Friday, I will keep the post short. It seems that Jaba has been trying to hire himself some competent people. So... he hired an intern. That seems to be a term they use here in Silicon Valley for somebody with a degree (who may even be competent), but no work experience, and hence should expect to be treated like crap. Anyway, they hired this intern and immediately placed her under the tender loving care of the Chihuahua. Please check previous posts if you forget. (I only wish that I could.)
The intern seems kind of cat-like to me. She has the same all knowing, self assured attitude of a cat that is quizzically watching you as you do something stupid. Looking at you as if to say "What are you thinking? You know that I could do better, if I could be bothered". Needless to say, Garfield immediately gravitated toward the Sarcastic Brit, and uses his office to hide from her "boss".
This is a typical discussion:
Harbinger: Why do your co-workers ask me to fix things that are not broken?
Garfield: Because they have no clue. They are biologists, after all.
Harbinger: Biologist is not synonymous with incompetent.
Garfield: Really?
Harbinger: One of my friends is a "biologist". His hobby is building torsion catapults that hurl ten pound pumpkins the better part of a mile.
Garfield: That's nice. He obviously doesn't work at the Mecca.
P.T. Barnum wins another round.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Lifeboat Drill
A couple of weeks ago, the Sarcastic Brit was talking to MNB, who asked him if he knew what a "lifeboat drill" was.
The Sarcastic Brit replied "I assume it's where you decide who gets to live and who drowns".
It was a strange conversation, but it made a bit more sense today.
The Mecca has this product - StupidProduct, where they sell the instrument for modest profit, and then sell consumables for $50. Unfortunately, the consumables cost $150 to make. No worries... we'll make it up on volume.
Anyway, the management at the Mecca have been trying to find a sucker... I mean buyer for this product line. Needless to say, they couldn't find somebody with a sufficient lack of common sense. So, we just kept making more of them.
Today, they announced that we would be focusing on our core product line. I have heard that announcement several times over the last year. This time however, they also announced that they were going to lay people off. Strangely enough, the only layoffs were in Engineering. It seems that MNB took the opportunity to rid himself of two engineers. Apparently, MNB really was deciding who to throw overboard. Oddly enough, I believe that with the exception of the CEO, these two engineers were the longest standing employees of the company.
I will admit that the first candidate for the sharks is a guy best known as The Sleeper. He used to sleep in his cubicle, which would be fine, except that his snoring was very disruptive. The Sarcastic Brit used to call him in order to wake him up. He was glacial at getting things done. He used to take a chair outside for his smoke breaks. He was known for never finishing ANYTHING, let alone being on time. I only worked with him on one project. I was the project manager and he was the design engineer. We got the project done on schedule. I think that it was the first project completed successfully and on schedule at the Mecca. My secret: I treated him like a human being. Apparently, that actually works. I'd better not tell MNB though, as he will likely fire me for heresy.
The other guy was what the Mad Man from Down South called "the old practical guy" (OPG). Turns out that OPG is actually a pretty decent electrical engineer, and the only guy at the Mecca who was proficient at designing circuit boards. He was actually the only practicing electrical engineer. (The Sarcastic Brit has a degree in electrical engineering but won't own up to it, as it's much more fun to change hats each week... mechanical engineer... biochemist... industrial designer...) I'm not totally sure why OPG was sacked, but I suspect that it was because MNB has somebody with the same skill set that he wants to bring in from his former company. Of course, I get the joyous task of cleaning out OPG's cubicle. Pallbearer duty... Lovely. Bring out your dead!
At the meeting, somebody made the mistake of asking how the fund raising was going. Swiper replied that we were able to raise money last year when there was none to be had, so of course we would have no problem raising more capital this year. Apparently, there are lots of interested investors. (But have any of them actually committed money?) All we have to do is stick to the company's deliverables and meet them.
At this point the foolish employee (who happens to be the reagent manufacturing lead) replied that she has seen no such list of goals and would very much love to see them. Wow... she's new at the Mecca, and it shows. I don't know where she worked before, but it sounds like a real company. Can we all go and work for them instead?
What does all of this mean? Here is my best guess:
1) The ship is sinking.
2) Throwing people overboard will lighten the ship and slow its decent into the abyss. The fact that those people would probably be more useful helping to plug the hole is irrelevant.
3) The ship will keep sinking. More bodies will be needed to go over the edge.
The only think I haven't figured out yet is whether it is going to be me or the Sarcastic Brit who goes next. Of course, the Sarcastic Brit has been there longer than me. Maybe it's first in, first out. We shall see.
In the meantime, I think that it's time to start looking a bit harder for that life jacket.
The Sarcastic Brit replied "I assume it's where you decide who gets to live and who drowns".
It was a strange conversation, but it made a bit more sense today.
The Mecca has this product - StupidProduct, where they sell the instrument for modest profit, and then sell consumables for $50. Unfortunately, the consumables cost $150 to make. No worries... we'll make it up on volume.
Anyway, the management at the Mecca have been trying to find a sucker... I mean buyer for this product line. Needless to say, they couldn't find somebody with a sufficient lack of common sense. So, we just kept making more of them.
Today, they announced that we would be focusing on our core product line. I have heard that announcement several times over the last year. This time however, they also announced that they were going to lay people off. Strangely enough, the only layoffs were in Engineering. It seems that MNB took the opportunity to rid himself of two engineers. Apparently, MNB really was deciding who to throw overboard. Oddly enough, I believe that with the exception of the CEO, these two engineers were the longest standing employees of the company.
I will admit that the first candidate for the sharks is a guy best known as The Sleeper. He used to sleep in his cubicle, which would be fine, except that his snoring was very disruptive. The Sarcastic Brit used to call him in order to wake him up. He was glacial at getting things done. He used to take a chair outside for his smoke breaks. He was known for never finishing ANYTHING, let alone being on time. I only worked with him on one project. I was the project manager and he was the design engineer. We got the project done on schedule. I think that it was the first project completed successfully and on schedule at the Mecca. My secret: I treated him like a human being. Apparently, that actually works. I'd better not tell MNB though, as he will likely fire me for heresy.
The other guy was what the Mad Man from Down South called "the old practical guy" (OPG). Turns out that OPG is actually a pretty decent electrical engineer, and the only guy at the Mecca who was proficient at designing circuit boards. He was actually the only practicing electrical engineer. (The Sarcastic Brit has a degree in electrical engineering but won't own up to it, as it's much more fun to change hats each week... mechanical engineer... biochemist... industrial designer...) I'm not totally sure why OPG was sacked, but I suspect that it was because MNB has somebody with the same skill set that he wants to bring in from his former company. Of course, I get the joyous task of cleaning out OPG's cubicle. Pallbearer duty... Lovely. Bring out your dead!
At the meeting, somebody made the mistake of asking how the fund raising was going. Swiper replied that we were able to raise money last year when there was none to be had, so of course we would have no problem raising more capital this year. Apparently, there are lots of interested investors. (But have any of them actually committed money?) All we have to do is stick to the company's deliverables and meet them.
At this point the foolish employee (who happens to be the reagent manufacturing lead) replied that she has seen no such list of goals and would very much love to see them. Wow... she's new at the Mecca, and it shows. I don't know where she worked before, but it sounds like a real company. Can we all go and work for them instead?
What does all of this mean? Here is my best guess:
1) The ship is sinking.
2) Throwing people overboard will lighten the ship and slow its decent into the abyss. The fact that those people would probably be more useful helping to plug the hole is irrelevant.
3) The ship will keep sinking. More bodies will be needed to go over the edge.
The only think I haven't figured out yet is whether it is going to be me or the Sarcastic Brit who goes next. Of course, the Sarcastic Brit has been there longer than me. Maybe it's first in, first out. We shall see.
In the meantime, I think that it's time to start looking a bit harder for that life jacket.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm Back... for now
Good Evening. So much to say...
The top items for the week are:
Our security company doesn't know where our office is.
The US Postal Service doesn't know where our address is, but the mail man does, so he's looking out for us. You've gotta love the US postal service.
The fire department knows where we are. Apparently the new security system asked them to bring out the hook and ladder.
MNB: See, I didn't even threaten to fire you today.
MNB: I can't believe that he's [Swiper] run two companies. His expectations are totally unreasonable. You can't run a company on wishes.
MNB: You need to remember the rule of three. For each day vacation you want, you need to give me three business days notice. I need to be able to plan. I only have one Harbinger and one Sarcastic Brit. [I should have responded: And I bet even that's too many.]
You may have also heard that the COO needs her beauty rest.
Now... on with the show.
MNB had to have more consultants come in to tell us that we didn't know what we are doing. He actually hired some good consultants this time, and apparently the worst things they could find were that I was too defensive, and that the Sarcastic Brit was too arrogant.
Needless to say, MNB decided that he needed to take the Sarcastic Brit and I to task for it. I believe his exact words were "If you don't clean up your attitude, I will have to ask you to leave the organization." My response was to ask him why he keeps threatening to fire me, and noting the correlation between his threats and my defensiveness. He was confused. Apparently, asking me to leave the organization is not the same as firing me.
The next day, MNB asked me to come into Swiper's office, and handed me a bunch of shares as a reward for good work in helping to make the first commercial shipments happen. Of course, they have a one year vesting period. Maybe the Mecca will still be around in a year. Maybe MNB won't have made good on his threats. Oh well, I can always use free toilet paper. I do not know if the Sarcastic Brit got the same thing. If he didn't it would have been a crime. (He too appreciates a good -that would be free - roll of TP every now and then.) If he's reading now... I was told not to tell anybody... even my best friend. I don't remember any mention of Sarcastic Brits in there though. Nothing like a reward that's not made public. Makes me feel ashamed for doing a good job.
"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
This week, when the Sarcastic Brit had his one on one meeting with MNB, what I like to call "the weekly whipping", MNB told him that he could be "the most evil manager ever." What would possess somebody to say that type of thing to an employee? Can you say harassment? Of course, I was ready for my weekly whipping, which occurs one day later. I was going to point out that the only power he had over me was firing me. I didn't get my chance.
Unfortunately, MNB worked really hard at being civil during my whipping. He asked me if I was having a problem with anybody. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean. Perhaps I have made some new enemies that I don't know about. If so, it's news to me. He finished the meeting by noting that he didn't even threaten to fire me, and then accused me of giving him a complex. Funny, he keeps threatening to fire me. And HE's the one developing the complex?
Scary how easy it was to find this blog when searching for the "Sleep well Wesley" quote. It came up number 4. Perhaps I should make it unsearchable by Google. I hope that Swiper and MNB are not Princess Bride fans!
The top items for the week are:
Our security company doesn't know where our office is.
The US Postal Service doesn't know where our address is, but the mail man does, so he's looking out for us. You've gotta love the US postal service.
The fire department knows where we are. Apparently the new security system asked them to bring out the hook and ladder.
MNB: See, I didn't even threaten to fire you today.
MNB: I can't believe that he's [Swiper] run two companies. His expectations are totally unreasonable. You can't run a company on wishes.
MNB: You need to remember the rule of three. For each day vacation you want, you need to give me three business days notice. I need to be able to plan. I only have one Harbinger and one Sarcastic Brit. [I should have responded: And I bet even that's too many.]
You may have also heard that the COO needs her beauty rest.
Now... on with the show.
MNB had to have more consultants come in to tell us that we didn't know what we are doing. He actually hired some good consultants this time, and apparently the worst things they could find were that I was too defensive, and that the Sarcastic Brit was too arrogant.
Needless to say, MNB decided that he needed to take the Sarcastic Brit and I to task for it. I believe his exact words were "If you don't clean up your attitude, I will have to ask you to leave the organization." My response was to ask him why he keeps threatening to fire me, and noting the correlation between his threats and my defensiveness. He was confused. Apparently, asking me to leave the organization is not the same as firing me.
The next day, MNB asked me to come into Swiper's office, and handed me a bunch of shares as a reward for good work in helping to make the first commercial shipments happen. Of course, they have a one year vesting period. Maybe the Mecca will still be around in a year. Maybe MNB won't have made good on his threats. Oh well, I can always use free toilet paper. I do not know if the Sarcastic Brit got the same thing. If he didn't it would have been a crime. (He too appreciates a good -that would be free - roll of TP every now and then.) If he's reading now... I was told not to tell anybody... even my best friend. I don't remember any mention of Sarcastic Brits in there though. Nothing like a reward that's not made public. Makes me feel ashamed for doing a good job.
"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
This week, when the Sarcastic Brit had his one on one meeting with MNB, what I like to call "the weekly whipping", MNB told him that he could be "the most evil manager ever." What would possess somebody to say that type of thing to an employee? Can you say harassment? Of course, I was ready for my weekly whipping, which occurs one day later. I was going to point out that the only power he had over me was firing me. I didn't get my chance.
Unfortunately, MNB worked really hard at being civil during my whipping. He asked me if I was having a problem with anybody. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean. Perhaps I have made some new enemies that I don't know about. If so, it's news to me. He finished the meeting by noting that he didn't even threaten to fire me, and then accused me of giving him a complex. Funny, he keeps threatening to fire me. And HE's the one developing the complex?
Scary how easy it was to find this blog when searching for the "Sleep well Wesley" quote. It came up number 4. Perhaps I should make it unsearchable by Google. I hope that Swiper and MNB are not Princess Bride fans!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Fantastic!
The Sarcastic Brit has been working diligently on the new sealing method for our sample holder. This brought on a visit from the host of projects past. Somehow, I never remember how brilliant people were. At least not at the Mecca. Perhaps that is because the inexplicably stupid seems to reign supreme. Perhaps it's just the brilliant engineering doesn't make for very good stories.
Back in the early days(before we realized how bad Captain Fantastic actually was), I remember having many discussions regarding the sealing film that had to go over the sample to prevent evaporation. Our sample is mostly water, which boils at 100C, last I checked. We are heating it to 95 degrees, which is pretty close to boiling. For those of you not keeping track, that means that the the water vapor is exerting nearly an atmosphere (15PSI) worth of pressure on the inside of the sample holder. In addition, there is a bunch of air dissolved in the sample, which is good for an additional 5PSI, or so - I don't remember the exact numbers. When you work it all out, you get a total of about 20 pounds per square inch pushing from the inside of the sample holder.
Captain Fantastic didn't see this as a problem. Apparently, the fact that each well in the sample holder was only 0.0001 square inches meant that the sealing film would definitely hold. After all, that means that each well only sees 0.0015 pounds (or about 0.7 g) of pressure meant that there was no way that the glue would fail to hold.
Strangely enough, every other instrument uses a great big plate to hold the film to the top of their sample holders, with hundreds of pounds of pressure. Apparently, Captain Fantastic forgot to count the wells. The design called for 33,000 of them in the sample holder. By my math, even at 0.0015 square inches per well, works out to 52 pounds of force pushing on a 3.5 by 5 inch piece of tape.
Not only that, but people use hot water vapor to remove adhesive. They rent things called wallpaper strippers. Hmmm... steam. How about removing stamps from envelopes? Hmmm... steam. I bet that hot steam would be pretty effective at removing the adhesive from the top of the sample holder too.
We mentioned this to Captain Fantastic, and he started going on about "peel" stress, and how the glue was really strong in tension, but not in "peel". As far as I have been able to determine, there is no such thing as "peel force". And, of course, the plastic blew off the sample holder the first time we tried it.
It was OK though, both the Captain and Slimy Indian Barbapapa were convinced that the glue would hold. The CTO was backing them up. We must have tried fifty glues of various types. It should have been no problem to find a glue that was transparent, chemically inert, non-fluorescent, and able to give a totally airtight bond capable of withstanding 20PSI of hot water vapor. Of course, we never found one. Every now and then, however, I am asked why the instrument is designed as it is. My response is always "because the glue will hold of course."
As an interim solution, I found a way to hold the seal on a sample holder 1/6 the size. That means that I only had to push down with about 50 pounds of force. No problem, right? And, it had to be designed to fit into the instrument without significant modifications, and it had to be finished in less than three weeks. No problem. Not impossible, but definitely improbable. I accomplished the improbable. Did I get a medal for fixing another one of Captain Fantastic's spectacular derailments? Nah - nobody even noticed that there was ever a problem.
Back in the early days(before we realized how bad Captain Fantastic actually was), I remember having many discussions regarding the sealing film that had to go over the sample to prevent evaporation. Our sample is mostly water, which boils at 100C, last I checked. We are heating it to 95 degrees, which is pretty close to boiling. For those of you not keeping track, that means that the the water vapor is exerting nearly an atmosphere (15PSI) worth of pressure on the inside of the sample holder. In addition, there is a bunch of air dissolved in the sample, which is good for an additional 5PSI, or so - I don't remember the exact numbers. When you work it all out, you get a total of about 20 pounds per square inch pushing from the inside of the sample holder.
Captain Fantastic didn't see this as a problem. Apparently, the fact that each well in the sample holder was only 0.0001 square inches meant that the sealing film would definitely hold. After all, that means that each well only sees 0.0015 pounds (or about 0.7 g) of pressure meant that there was no way that the glue would fail to hold.
Strangely enough, every other instrument uses a great big plate to hold the film to the top of their sample holders, with hundreds of pounds of pressure. Apparently, Captain Fantastic forgot to count the wells. The design called for 33,000 of them in the sample holder. By my math, even at 0.0015 square inches per well, works out to 52 pounds of force pushing on a 3.5 by 5 inch piece of tape.
Not only that, but people use hot water vapor to remove adhesive. They rent things called wallpaper strippers. Hmmm... steam. How about removing stamps from envelopes? Hmmm... steam. I bet that hot steam would be pretty effective at removing the adhesive from the top of the sample holder too.
We mentioned this to Captain Fantastic, and he started going on about "peel" stress, and how the glue was really strong in tension, but not in "peel". As far as I have been able to determine, there is no such thing as "peel force". And, of course, the plastic blew off the sample holder the first time we tried it.
It was OK though, both the Captain and Slimy Indian Barbapapa were convinced that the glue would hold. The CTO was backing them up. We must have tried fifty glues of various types. It should have been no problem to find a glue that was transparent, chemically inert, non-fluorescent, and able to give a totally airtight bond capable of withstanding 20PSI of hot water vapor. Of course, we never found one. Every now and then, however, I am asked why the instrument is designed as it is. My response is always "because the glue will hold of course."
As an interim solution, I found a way to hold the seal on a sample holder 1/6 the size. That means that I only had to push down with about 50 pounds of force. No problem, right? And, it had to be designed to fit into the instrument without significant modifications, and it had to be finished in less than three weeks. No problem. Not impossible, but definitely improbable. I accomplished the improbable. Did I get a medal for fixing another one of Captain Fantastic's spectacular derailments? Nah - nobody even noticed that there was ever a problem.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hard to kill
Greetings!
It has been quite some time since I have written, what with the impossible schedules at work, and the extra effort of trying (in vain) to find a job with a company that doesn't suck. At this point, I would settle for a company not run by a fictional character that steals things from little girls.
It seems that MNB may be finding that several members of his engineering team resemble Steven Seagal - that is they are hard to kill.
First, I would like to relate a discussion between myself and the Fearful COO.
COO: How are you doing.
Harbinger: Still here.
COO: Where else would you be? You NEED to be here!
Harbinger: The only reason why I am here is because there is too damned much snow in the mountains to drive back to Canada.
COO: Why ever would you say such a thing?
Harbinger: Perhaps my boss extolling the virtues of being fired has something to do with it.
COO: What do you mean? Surely you are taking it out of context.
Harbinger: Really? I don't think so.
COO: Tell me exactly what he said.
After I told her, she went white. That's pretty tricky for somebody who isn't Caucasian, but she managed.
Two days later, I was called into MNB's office.
MNB: Do you take everything I say seriously?
Harbinger: Shouldn't I?
MNB: You know I hear what you say. It gets back to me... I have sources.
Harbinger: Oh yeah. (Thinking - only what I want to get back to you).
MNB: Have you ever taken a project management course?
Harbinger: Not a real one.
MNB: You should find a course at UC Berkley or Stanford. The company will pay for it.
I would love to know what was said between the COO and MNB. Alas, I am sure that I never will know.
Next, MNB tried to get rid of the enlightened one. I have since been told that the Enlightened one is now my problem. Seems he too is somewhat hard to get rid of. Apparently, MNB didn't count on the fact that the Enlightened one has known the Fearful COO for over a decade, and that she was the person who brought him in to consult in the first place.
Finally, MNB told the Sarcastic Brit that he was being obstructionist, and that he was either with MNB or against him. And... if the Sarcastic Brit were against him he would be replaced very quickly. That sounds like a threat to me. I would advise the Sarcastic Brit to tell the COO about it, but alas, I wouldn't want MNB to think that he was powerless to fire any of his engineers. That would take all of the joy from his life.
Apparently, he didn't realize just how dysfunctional the Biotech Mecca really is. Maybe they are keeping his old job for him. I doubt it though, as he has already poached three staff members to come work at the Mecca. Replacements for people he isn't allowed to fire?
It has been quite some time since I have written, what with the impossible schedules at work, and the extra effort of trying (in vain) to find a job with a company that doesn't suck. At this point, I would settle for a company not run by a fictional character that steals things from little girls.
It seems that MNB may be finding that several members of his engineering team resemble Steven Seagal - that is they are hard to kill.
First, I would like to relate a discussion between myself and the Fearful COO.
COO: How are you doing.
Harbinger: Still here.
COO: Where else would you be? You NEED to be here!
Harbinger: The only reason why I am here is because there is too damned much snow in the mountains to drive back to Canada.
COO: Why ever would you say such a thing?
Harbinger: Perhaps my boss extolling the virtues of being fired has something to do with it.
COO: What do you mean? Surely you are taking it out of context.
Harbinger: Really? I don't think so.
COO: Tell me exactly what he said.
After I told her, she went white. That's pretty tricky for somebody who isn't Caucasian, but she managed.
Two days later, I was called into MNB's office.
MNB: Do you take everything I say seriously?
Harbinger: Shouldn't I?
MNB: You know I hear what you say. It gets back to me... I have sources.
Harbinger: Oh yeah. (Thinking - only what I want to get back to you).
MNB: Have you ever taken a project management course?
Harbinger: Not a real one.
MNB: You should find a course at UC Berkley or Stanford. The company will pay for it.
I would love to know what was said between the COO and MNB. Alas, I am sure that I never will know.
Next, MNB tried to get rid of the enlightened one. I have since been told that the Enlightened one is now my problem. Seems he too is somewhat hard to get rid of. Apparently, MNB didn't count on the fact that the Enlightened one has known the Fearful COO for over a decade, and that she was the person who brought him in to consult in the first place.
Finally, MNB told the Sarcastic Brit that he was being obstructionist, and that he was either with MNB or against him. And... if the Sarcastic Brit were against him he would be replaced very quickly. That sounds like a threat to me. I would advise the Sarcastic Brit to tell the COO about it, but alas, I wouldn't want MNB to think that he was powerless to fire any of his engineers. That would take all of the joy from his life.
Apparently, he didn't realize just how dysfunctional the Biotech Mecca really is. Maybe they are keeping his old job for him. I doubt it though, as he has already poached three staff members to come work at the Mecca. Replacements for people he isn't allowed to fire?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Where do they find these guys?
First of all, I want to apologize for not writing much lately. Things have been very busy at the mecca, what with all of the time that MNB has spent telling the Sarcastic Brit and I that we are useless.
Truths about the new world order
1) Engineering work that has been done previously does not count.
MNB: I am redesigning the sample holder to add reference holes
Harbinger: We did a holder like that a while ago, so that we could make a large holder that was injection molded together. We aren't using it, but we learned some things.
MNB: I don't care.
Harbinger: Isn't it foolish to discount the work that the engineering team has done to date.
MNB: I have been designing these things for eight years, and I know what I'm doing.
Harbinger: Here is the one that I designed a year ago.
MNB: But this is way too expensive. Why would you do it like this?
Harbinger: To solve a bunch of problems that no longer exist. But there is information to be learned from it. The machine tolerances won't change, since it was made by the same vendor.
MNB: I don't care. I have dimensioned the drawing differently. That will change the machine tolerances.
Harbinger: No, actually you haven't. This one is referenced to the holes, just like yours. Besides, you can write whatever you want, it doesn't change the way the machine works.
MNB: I know what I am doing. What you did before does not matter.
Harbinger: If you say so. Have a nice day.
MNB: Can I keep this sample?
Harbinger: Be my guest. (Of course you just told me that it is irrelevant, so why do you want it?)
2) You can only be good at one thing.
MNB: Sarcastic Brit, you need to step up to the plate and be a better electrical engineer.
Sarcastic Brit: I'm not an electrical engineer.
MNB: But you have a bachelor's in electrical engineering.
Sarcastic Brit: And a PhD in Biomedical Engineering. I haven't done electrical engineering since I finished my undergrad.
MNB: But you know how to lay out a board.
Sarcastic Brit: In theory yes, but I have never even worked as an electrical engineer.
MNB: So you are a jack of all trades. You don't want to be a jack of all trades.
Sarcastic Brit: Actually, I do.
3) Loyalty is not earned
Hyena: I always tell new bosses this: I am a contractor and I am here until you don't need me any more.
MNB: That's right. Your loyalty is to me, and NOT the Sarcastic Brit. You need to understand that.
Hyena: My contract expires in two weeks. Are you going to renew it or not?
MNB: I don't know yet. Maybe I will know next week. By the way... the Toad told me that you used the wrong kind of bolt on the prototype. You worked at BMW - surely they taught you better than that.
4) The best way to get rid of an engineering team is to hire a toady who spies on your other employees, and then tattles on them for everything you can think of.
I have not quit yet. I must admit that after everything that has gone on thus far, I probably should just do it. Just when I was starting to think that things couldn't get worse.
Truths about the new world order
1) Engineering work that has been done previously does not count.
MNB: I am redesigning the sample holder to add reference holes
Harbinger: We did a holder like that a while ago, so that we could make a large holder that was injection molded together. We aren't using it, but we learned some things.
MNB: I don't care.
Harbinger: Isn't it foolish to discount the work that the engineering team has done to date.
MNB: I have been designing these things for eight years, and I know what I'm doing.
Harbinger: Here is the one that I designed a year ago.
MNB: But this is way too expensive. Why would you do it like this?
Harbinger: To solve a bunch of problems that no longer exist. But there is information to be learned from it. The machine tolerances won't change, since it was made by the same vendor.
MNB: I don't care. I have dimensioned the drawing differently. That will change the machine tolerances.
Harbinger: No, actually you haven't. This one is referenced to the holes, just like yours. Besides, you can write whatever you want, it doesn't change the way the machine works.
MNB: I know what I am doing. What you did before does not matter.
Harbinger: If you say so. Have a nice day.
MNB: Can I keep this sample?
Harbinger: Be my guest. (Of course you just told me that it is irrelevant, so why do you want it?)
2) You can only be good at one thing.
MNB: Sarcastic Brit, you need to step up to the plate and be a better electrical engineer.
Sarcastic Brit: I'm not an electrical engineer.
MNB: But you have a bachelor's in electrical engineering.
Sarcastic Brit: And a PhD in Biomedical Engineering. I haven't done electrical engineering since I finished my undergrad.
MNB: But you know how to lay out a board.
Sarcastic Brit: In theory yes, but I have never even worked as an electrical engineer.
MNB: So you are a jack of all trades. You don't want to be a jack of all trades.
Sarcastic Brit: Actually, I do.
3) Loyalty is not earned
Hyena: I always tell new bosses this: I am a contractor and I am here until you don't need me any more.
MNB: That's right. Your loyalty is to me, and NOT the Sarcastic Brit. You need to understand that.
Hyena: My contract expires in two weeks. Are you going to renew it or not?
MNB: I don't know yet. Maybe I will know next week. By the way... the Toad told me that you used the wrong kind of bolt on the prototype. You worked at BMW - surely they taught you better than that.
4) The best way to get rid of an engineering team is to hire a toady who spies on your other employees, and then tattles on them for everything you can think of.
I have not quit yet. I must admit that after everything that has gone on thus far, I probably should just do it. Just when I was starting to think that things couldn't get worse.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
If it's too good to be true...
Ahh... back to Captain Fantastic. This one is by request. I'm sure that there are better Captain Fantastic stories, but this one is easy to tell, although I am sad to admit does not involve him threatening to punch anybody in the mouth for calling him a liar.
Imagine that you want to create a dish composed of several thousand smaller dishes. This is what we were trying to do at the mecca. The idea is to put one sample into each of these holes do a bunch of chemical reactions in each of the holes and then see which samples glow when you shine light on them. It sounds easy, right? However, when you have many thousands of holes, and each one is less than 1/2mm in diameter, it becomes somewhat trickier.
Captain Fantastic had the perfect solution. There is this process by which you fill a pan with goo that polymerizes when you shine light on it. If you put a very thin layer of goo into the pan, and then shine the light through a mask, you can make a very nice pattern of holes in a thin sheet of plastic. If you cover the top of that piece of plastic with a thin layer of goo and do it again, you get a thicker sheet of plastic with holes in it. If you do it thousands of times, and then glue a bottom on it, you get the sample holder. No problem. Right?
Captain Fantastic had EVERYBODY at the Mecca sold on this great technology. Of course, he hadn't actually tested it. Like many great ideas, it looked better on paper than it did in reality. Somehow, the Sarcastic Brit, the Mad Man from Down South, and I didn't believe that it would be that easy. In fact, we were so sure that it wouldn't be that we set up a horse race outside of the Brit's cubicle. On his wall we pinned up pictures of horses where each one represented one of the techniques for making the sample holder. We scribbled the names of each technique at the bottom of the picture and started them all out together. Every time we got promising results from a technique, that horse was moved to the front. Every time we reached a setback, that horse was moved back in the race.
Captain Fantastic put his horse out front. It would work. It was perfect. The first thing we noticed was that the material glowed more brightly than the sample. This isn't surprising... the material polymerizes when you shine light on it. Of course it's photo-reactive. Captain Fantastic had ways of dealing with it (although he never disclosed them to the rest of us, or even demonstrated that these ideas were more viable than "paying off the Pixies to prevent them from making the crap glow")
We moved his horse back a bit. He moved it back out front. After all, it was only a minor setback.
Next, imagine cutting a hole in a bunch of sheets of plastic, layering them up and then pouring water down the hole. You will quickly have a puddle on the table, as the water runs between the sheets. If the sheets are really thin... it gives you more places for them to leak.
Back with the horse. Of course, Captain Fantastic moved it forward again. This was also only a minor setback. We would coat the plastic with a thin layer of metal. That would seal the layers together and keep the material dark, so it wouldn't react to the light or the sample.
One problem: Most metals will also react with the sample.
No problem, we will just cover the metal with another layer of plastic. Really? This is starting to become pretty complicated. Did I mention that the material needs to be thermally conductive as well? Seems like we can't cover that problem up (either literally or figuratively).
Despite these setbacks, Captain Fantastic kept insisting that this stuff would work. Even after months of samples, and not a single successful experiment, he would not relent. We went so far as to turn his horse upside down and write R.I.P. on it. Undeterred, he would flip the horse over and put it at the finish line. It was finished alright... I believe that the correct expression is "beating a dead horse".
The strangest thing is that even six months after it was generally accepted that Captain Fantastic was delusional, and had been sacked for as much, Swiper was asking the Sarcastic Brit when we would be ready to start producing these wonderful photo-polymerized sample holders.
Perhaps he never got the memo.
Imagine that you want to create a dish composed of several thousand smaller dishes. This is what we were trying to do at the mecca. The idea is to put one sample into each of these holes do a bunch of chemical reactions in each of the holes and then see which samples glow when you shine light on them. It sounds easy, right? However, when you have many thousands of holes, and each one is less than 1/2mm in diameter, it becomes somewhat trickier.
Captain Fantastic had the perfect solution. There is this process by which you fill a pan with goo that polymerizes when you shine light on it. If you put a very thin layer of goo into the pan, and then shine the light through a mask, you can make a very nice pattern of holes in a thin sheet of plastic. If you cover the top of that piece of plastic with a thin layer of goo and do it again, you get a thicker sheet of plastic with holes in it. If you do it thousands of times, and then glue a bottom on it, you get the sample holder. No problem. Right?
Captain Fantastic had EVERYBODY at the Mecca sold on this great technology. Of course, he hadn't actually tested it. Like many great ideas, it looked better on paper than it did in reality. Somehow, the Sarcastic Brit, the Mad Man from Down South, and I didn't believe that it would be that easy. In fact, we were so sure that it wouldn't be that we set up a horse race outside of the Brit's cubicle. On his wall we pinned up pictures of horses where each one represented one of the techniques for making the sample holder. We scribbled the names of each technique at the bottom of the picture and started them all out together. Every time we got promising results from a technique, that horse was moved to the front. Every time we reached a setback, that horse was moved back in the race.
Captain Fantastic put his horse out front. It would work. It was perfect. The first thing we noticed was that the material glowed more brightly than the sample. This isn't surprising... the material polymerizes when you shine light on it. Of course it's photo-reactive. Captain Fantastic had ways of dealing with it (although he never disclosed them to the rest of us, or even demonstrated that these ideas were more viable than "paying off the Pixies to prevent them from making the crap glow")
We moved his horse back a bit. He moved it back out front. After all, it was only a minor setback.
Next, imagine cutting a hole in a bunch of sheets of plastic, layering them up and then pouring water down the hole. You will quickly have a puddle on the table, as the water runs between the sheets. If the sheets are really thin... it gives you more places for them to leak.
Back with the horse. Of course, Captain Fantastic moved it forward again. This was also only a minor setback. We would coat the plastic with a thin layer of metal. That would seal the layers together and keep the material dark, so it wouldn't react to the light or the sample.
One problem: Most metals will also react with the sample.
No problem, we will just cover the metal with another layer of plastic. Really? This is starting to become pretty complicated. Did I mention that the material needs to be thermally conductive as well? Seems like we can't cover that problem up (either literally or figuratively).
Despite these setbacks, Captain Fantastic kept insisting that this stuff would work. Even after months of samples, and not a single successful experiment, he would not relent. We went so far as to turn his horse upside down and write R.I.P. on it. Undeterred, he would flip the horse over and put it at the finish line. It was finished alright... I believe that the correct expression is "beating a dead horse".
The strangest thing is that even six months after it was generally accepted that Captain Fantastic was delusional, and had been sacked for as much, Swiper was asking the Sarcastic Brit when we would be ready to start producing these wonderful photo-polymerized sample holders.
Perhaps he never got the memo.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I wish that Scott Adams would stop spying on me!
I had my weekly one on one with MNB yesterday. It was revealing. I will admit that I haven't been discreet regarding my disgruntlement. The conversation went something like this:
MNB: You seem to be very high strung.
Harbinger: No, I'm just crazy after working in a mad house for two years.
MNB: How many jobs have you held?
Harbinger: It depends on how you count the mergers and acquisitions. Let's call it four or so companies.
MNB: So, you've been around. Have you ever been fired?
Harbinger: No. I have always left by my choice.
MNB: You know it's not so bad. The first time I was fired from a job, I had six months to stay home. I built a deck and had a great time with my kids.
Harbinger: I'm happy for you. (Thinking: PLEASE FIRE ME. JUST GIVE ME A PACKAGE!)
MNB: Any other complaints?
Harbinger: I make less money than I did when I started two years ago, and nobody has any appreciation for anything the engineering team has accomplished despite the horrible management.
MNB: Less money? Haven't you gotten a raise or bonus?
Harbinger: No.
MNB: What about yearly performance reviews?
Harbinger: What's a performance review?
MNB: Oh.
Of course, I sent the following email to EWA today. I'm not sure if he will appreciate it or not, but I figured that at least it be enjoyable to imagine his reaction.
EWA,
I didn't get a chance to say hello last time you were in. It seems like they are keeping you away from the engineers. That's probably a good thing...
Jaba asked me how I felt about Slimy Indian Barbapapa's leaving today. My response was "cheated". Looks like I won't be getting his dog tags... which is sad, as I also hear that he has been trying to get rid of me. Of course, I should probably be more worried about my new boss asking me if I have ever been fired before, and extolling the virtues of getting the axe.
That having been said... do you know anybody who's looking for somebody with my skill set? A quick census of the engineering team reveals that at least six members of the engineering team are talking about seeking new employment, if not actually doing it. So... if you know anybody who needs an entire engineering team, that could probably be accommodated too.
In any case, The Sarcastic Brit mentioned that you would probably stop by once we are in the new facility. I would love it if you dropped by to say hello, unless I'm reveling in the freedom of unemployment. The strange thing is that I am not upset about being fired (I think that I would count it as a favor). It's more the fact that I am outraged that they believe that The Sarcastic Brit and I can be replaced by a manufacturing technician.
Hope you're having a great weekend!
Cheers,
The Harbinger of Doom
Perhaps it was a bit over the top... but what can they do? Fire me?
In other news... Slimy Indian Barbapapa finished his last day at the Mecca today. His supporters went out for lunch with him. They had cake in the afternoon. I was conveniently absent. I showed up after the cake to check on a package that I was supposed to receive today. It hadn't arrived. I ran into the Sarcastic Brit. The conversation went like this:
Sarcastic Brit: What are you doing here? I thought you left on account of your wife's birthday.
Harbinger: Yeah, but I came back to say goodbye to Slimy Indian Barbapapa.
Sarcastic Brit: (raises eyebrow) Really?
Harbinger: Yeah, and to tell him of my hope that there is a special place in hell for lying, backstabbing ba$ta%@s like him.
Sarcastic Brit: I see. Have fun.
In all, it was pretty much a normal day at the Mecca.
Monday, November 2, 2009
New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part III
A couple of weeks passed. Things seemed to be settled into one of those funks that although it stinks, you can almost convince yourself that there is actually not a rotten pile of dung right outside your window.
It was decided that there was too much drafting work to do, so we would hire a mechanical designer (or senior drafter) to assist Buffalo Bill. Of course everybody (but Bill) was thinking about it being his replacement. I was still hopeful that it wouldn't come to that, but I wasn't holding my breath.
The next incident that added fuel to the fire was a faux pas that I committed. Mr. Ineffectual got a couple of resumes from a body shop (temp agency), and Buffalo Bill was offended that the Sarcastic Brit and I were sent the resumes while he was not. I figured it couldn't hurt to pass them along and forwarded the email. It never occurred to me that the email also contained the hourly rates for both candidates. To make matters worse, the body shop was charging more for either of these two guys than we were paying Buffalo Bill. Needless to say, this made Buffalo Bill unhappy.
I tried to smooth over the situation by taking Bill out for lunch and telling him that it really doesn't matter what anybody else makes, and that all he should be worried about was his own work and compensation. I added that I used to worry about things like that, but there was no point, and life was too short. I thought that maybe I had gotten through to him, and his attitude would improve.
We interviewed two candidates. One had lots of experience using our CAD package, and came from the body shop. The other candidate was a friend of a friend of one of the other engineers, but didn't seem to have ever used our CAD software (which is probably the most common package available.) Anyway, Buffalo Bill took over the interviews. Far from being a guy on the verge of being sacked for producing nothing but flaming piles of doo, he acted as though he were the head of engineering or something.
Needless to say, he didn't like the guy from the body shop. Apparently he was smarmy. Of course, I am sure that his hourly rate (that was about 50% higher than Bill's) didn't have anything to do with it. The other guy - the one that seemingly had NO experience whatever with our CAD software was the obvious winner.
Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcast Brit and I sat down the next day to discuss the two candidates. We decided to go with the guy who would need the least amount of help. Mr. Ineffectual called the body shop to make the arrangements.
I was sitting in an open area of the office that day, eating lunch with Fly Boy when Bill came by and joined us. I was talking to Flyboy about the amount of work we to do, and commented that getting the new designer in would help immensely.
I saw Buffalo Bill grow tense as he asked which guy we picked. I told him. He started swearing about not being consulted and that his oppinion obviously didn't amount to sh!t. Unfortunately, that statement was pretty true. If his work had been adequate, or if he hadn't made an ass of himself in the interviews, or if I hadn't grown so tired of his griping for months, I might have cared more. He stormed off. I shrugged.
The next morning was a company wide meeting. Buffalo Bill decided that he was going to boycot. I heard him say this and left. At that point, he told the Dragon Lady that he knew how much money the new mechanical engineer was making, and he was very upset. When the Dragon Lady asked him where he got his information, he revealed that the informant was the account that does the SOX compliance. Since Bill and the accountant are not particularly chummy, I have to assume that the accountant was trying to make the worst of a bad situation. What did he have to gain? I have no clue. I should probably mention the fact that the new mechanical engineer has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering, and not an associate's degree in project management from DeVry. Of course those are more or less eqivalent qualifications for doing mechanical design work.
The Dragon Lady was livid about salary information being given out, and she was also sick and tired of Buffalo Bill. She spoke to Swiper. Then I spoke to Swiper, and had to explain why Bill was still hanging around like a plague over the company. I didn't have a good answer. It wasn't because of his awsome work.
I talked to Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcastic Brit, and human resources, and we decided to pull the plug the next day. We would do it nice and early, before too many people show up. (Starting time at the Mecca is typically the crack of noon.) Everything was in place. We arranged for Bill's replacement (Mr. Smarmy) to show up after noon so there would be no confrontation.
That afternoon, Buffalo Bill tried to re-enact the highlights from a Sabres game and hip-checked Mr. Ineffectual into the wall. Perhaps that is what made Mr. ineffectual turn red. Perhaps it was the comment "that was for being an idiot". In either case, it's not a wise thing to do to the boss. Buffalo bill was given his severence that afternoon.
Since the Sarcastic Brit was nominally Bill's manager, he got the enviable job of delivering the pink slip. Apparently, Bill didn't think that the Brit would do it, as his parting words were akin to "Et tu, Brute". Later, Bill sent the Sarcastic Brit an email, stating there were no hard feelings, as he was obviously the sacrificial lamb for the project being late.
Of course, the the good feelings didn't end there. He called up one of our most important vendors and told them that the Mecca was laying people off because they had no money to pay employees or suppliers. Needless to say, the vendor was very happy that Bill had been sacked for being an incompetent dork with a bad attitude.
Will Mr. Smarmy fare any better than Buffalo Bill? We don't know. After we took the wheel barrow to Buffalo Bill's cubicle, and found litterally several thousand sheets with markups, and no way of knowing which had been added to the system, we decided to sort the little pieces of paper (ten man hours later) and deliver them to Mr Smarmy for vetting. We haven't seen him since.
I have learned this: The Mecca is not a safe place for mechanical designers.
It was decided that there was too much drafting work to do, so we would hire a mechanical designer (or senior drafter) to assist Buffalo Bill. Of course everybody (but Bill) was thinking about it being his replacement. I was still hopeful that it wouldn't come to that, but I wasn't holding my breath.
The next incident that added fuel to the fire was a faux pas that I committed. Mr. Ineffectual got a couple of resumes from a body shop (temp agency), and Buffalo Bill was offended that the Sarcastic Brit and I were sent the resumes while he was not. I figured it couldn't hurt to pass them along and forwarded the email. It never occurred to me that the email also contained the hourly rates for both candidates. To make matters worse, the body shop was charging more for either of these two guys than we were paying Buffalo Bill. Needless to say, this made Buffalo Bill unhappy.
I tried to smooth over the situation by taking Bill out for lunch and telling him that it really doesn't matter what anybody else makes, and that all he should be worried about was his own work and compensation. I added that I used to worry about things like that, but there was no point, and life was too short. I thought that maybe I had gotten through to him, and his attitude would improve.
We interviewed two candidates. One had lots of experience using our CAD package, and came from the body shop. The other candidate was a friend of a friend of one of the other engineers, but didn't seem to have ever used our CAD software (which is probably the most common package available.) Anyway, Buffalo Bill took over the interviews. Far from being a guy on the verge of being sacked for producing nothing but flaming piles of doo, he acted as though he were the head of engineering or something.
Needless to say, he didn't like the guy from the body shop. Apparently he was smarmy. Of course, I am sure that his hourly rate (that was about 50% higher than Bill's) didn't have anything to do with it. The other guy - the one that seemingly had NO experience whatever with our CAD software was the obvious winner.
Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcast Brit and I sat down the next day to discuss the two candidates. We decided to go with the guy who would need the least amount of help. Mr. Ineffectual called the body shop to make the arrangements.
I was sitting in an open area of the office that day, eating lunch with Fly Boy when Bill came by and joined us. I was talking to Flyboy about the amount of work we to do, and commented that getting the new designer in would help immensely.
I saw Buffalo Bill grow tense as he asked which guy we picked. I told him. He started swearing about not being consulted and that his oppinion obviously didn't amount to sh!t. Unfortunately, that statement was pretty true. If his work had been adequate, or if he hadn't made an ass of himself in the interviews, or if I hadn't grown so tired of his griping for months, I might have cared more. He stormed off. I shrugged.
The next morning was a company wide meeting. Buffalo Bill decided that he was going to boycot. I heard him say this and left. At that point, he told the Dragon Lady that he knew how much money the new mechanical engineer was making, and he was very upset. When the Dragon Lady asked him where he got his information, he revealed that the informant was the account that does the SOX compliance. Since Bill and the accountant are not particularly chummy, I have to assume that the accountant was trying to make the worst of a bad situation. What did he have to gain? I have no clue. I should probably mention the fact that the new mechanical engineer has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering, and not an associate's degree in project management from DeVry. Of course those are more or less eqivalent qualifications for doing mechanical design work.
The Dragon Lady was livid about salary information being given out, and she was also sick and tired of Buffalo Bill. She spoke to Swiper. Then I spoke to Swiper, and had to explain why Bill was still hanging around like a plague over the company. I didn't have a good answer. It wasn't because of his awsome work.
I talked to Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcastic Brit, and human resources, and we decided to pull the plug the next day. We would do it nice and early, before too many people show up. (Starting time at the Mecca is typically the crack of noon.) Everything was in place. We arranged for Bill's replacement (Mr. Smarmy) to show up after noon so there would be no confrontation.
That afternoon, Buffalo Bill tried to re-enact the highlights from a Sabres game and hip-checked Mr. Ineffectual into the wall. Perhaps that is what made Mr. ineffectual turn red. Perhaps it was the comment "that was for being an idiot". In either case, it's not a wise thing to do to the boss. Buffalo bill was given his severence that afternoon.
Since the Sarcastic Brit was nominally Bill's manager, he got the enviable job of delivering the pink slip. Apparently, Bill didn't think that the Brit would do it, as his parting words were akin to "Et tu, Brute". Later, Bill sent the Sarcastic Brit an email, stating there were no hard feelings, as he was obviously the sacrificial lamb for the project being late.
Of course, the the good feelings didn't end there. He called up one of our most important vendors and told them that the Mecca was laying people off because they had no money to pay employees or suppliers. Needless to say, the vendor was very happy that Bill had been sacked for being an incompetent dork with a bad attitude.
Will Mr. Smarmy fare any better than Buffalo Bill? We don't know. After we took the wheel barrow to Buffalo Bill's cubicle, and found litterally several thousand sheets with markups, and no way of knowing which had been added to the system, we decided to sort the little pieces of paper (ten man hours later) and deliver them to Mr Smarmy for vetting. We haven't seen him since.
I have learned this: The Mecca is not a safe place for mechanical designers.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part II
For several several weeks Buffalo Bill kept asking me if the Sarcastic Brit was still angry with him. Of course, he repeated the same (bus throwing) comments at every opportunity, which probably didn't help with the Brit's anger levels.
In order to speed up the project, the Sarcastic Brit and I decided to take over all actual design tasks. I am roughly as good as a six year old with one of those big, fat pencils, which puts me light years ahead of Buffalo Bill with his crayon. This prompted a post-it note on Bill's monitor. It said "You are a nobody. Just shut up and do the drawings."
Unfortunately, Bill had been ordering the parts he was drafting as well. It was chaos. We had five times too many of some parts, and were missing other parts entirely. Fly Boy was hired to sort out the bill of materials and do the purchasing. This further upset Bill, as he considered documentation and purchasing to be two things that he could do very well. His record spoke for itself. We hired a replacement.
After several months of worsening attitude and performance, the Sarcastic Brit found a letter on his desk. I have only changed the names. My comments are in blue.
How I have been ripped off by the Mecca
6 months of not paying the appropriate taxes. apparently he lacked the discipline to withold his own taxes
Loss of 3 holidays and a weeks vacation pay isn't that the 5% you refused to take in pay cut?
When I was claimed overtime pay I was paid straighty time not time and a half. no tears from me. I am salaried and routinely work unpaid overtime
When I go direct (permanent) how I will be ripped off. News flash: your work and attitude have been so crappy that it won't happen now
Time of service will start when ever the management get around to it. or when hell freezes over
At some point there will be a proclamation that will benefit those people who were direct employees as a date prior to my official start date but after I was here date. It appears that you have been drinking Swiper's Cool-Aid.
FYI I started March 10, 2009
When everyone else is brought back to their previous levels, I will not be recognized in that group because I came in afterwards. I will be told that I should have negotiated for a higher wage when I was hired. What can I say? You're delusional.
Stock price on March 10, 2009 was around $1.20 a share.... it has gone up Talk to EWA
Either the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger will be fired and I will be left to complete the project; Or I will be fired as the sacrifical lamb. Either way, I will be screwed. OK...
Why do I stay? Because you are a loser.
The short Commute and flexibility. and incredible levels of insanity
Working with the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger Don't forget Jar Jar!
The opportunity to work in a company that has potential if management allows it too. Management is definitely anti-potential.
The Sarcastic Brit had heard enough. He passed the paper on to Human Resources, and we had a meeting in which we decided that Buffalo Bill had to go.
In order to speed up the project, the Sarcastic Brit and I decided to take over all actual design tasks. I am roughly as good as a six year old with one of those big, fat pencils, which puts me light years ahead of Buffalo Bill with his crayon. This prompted a post-it note on Bill's monitor. It said "You are a nobody. Just shut up and do the drawings."
Unfortunately, Bill had been ordering the parts he was drafting as well. It was chaos. We had five times too many of some parts, and were missing other parts entirely. Fly Boy was hired to sort out the bill of materials and do the purchasing. This further upset Bill, as he considered documentation and purchasing to be two things that he could do very well. His record spoke for itself. We hired a replacement.
After several months of worsening attitude and performance, the Sarcastic Brit found a letter on his desk. I have only changed the names. My comments are in blue.
How I have been ripped off by the Mecca
6 months of not paying the appropriate taxes. apparently he lacked the discipline to withold his own taxes
Loss of 3 holidays and a weeks vacation pay isn't that the 5% you refused to take in pay cut?
When I was claimed overtime pay I was paid straighty time not time and a half. no tears from me. I am salaried and routinely work unpaid overtime
When I go direct (permanent) how I will be ripped off. News flash: your work and attitude have been so crappy that it won't happen now
Time of service will start when ever the management get around to it. or when hell freezes over
At some point there will be a proclamation that will benefit those people who were direct employees as a date prior to my official start date but after I was here date. It appears that you have been drinking Swiper's Cool-Aid.
FYI I started March 10, 2009
When everyone else is brought back to their previous levels, I will not be recognized in that group because I came in afterwards. I will be told that I should have negotiated for a higher wage when I was hired. What can I say? You're delusional.
Stock price on March 10, 2009 was around $1.20 a share.... it has gone up Talk to EWA
Either the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger will be fired and I will be left to complete the project; Or I will be fired as the sacrifical lamb. Either way, I will be screwed. OK...
Why do I stay? Because you are a loser.
The short Commute and flexibility. and incredible levels of insanity
Working with the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger Don't forget Jar Jar!
The opportunity to work in a company that has potential if management allows it too. Management is definitely anti-potential.
The Sarcastic Brit had heard enough. He passed the paper on to Human Resources, and we had a meeting in which we decided that Buffalo Bill had to go.
Friday, October 23, 2009
OSHA 11
I took a tour of the lab with the Sarcastic Brit the other day. It was scary.
Jar Jar has been using the ionizing air gun that the Sarcastic Brit "sent him to the Home Depot" for. Although the gun was rated for 40 PSI, it wasn't blowing hard enough, so Jar Jar took it upon himself to connect the gun to a nitrogen cylinder at 150PSI. Don't worry about the crazing in the plastic canister that holds the filter. It's alright. Really.
The Sarcastic Brit sent an email out to the company advising that people should read the safety precautions on things and not do dumb stuff like connecting the ionizer at 3+ times the rated pressure.
The response was classic Biotech Mecca. Our boss (Mr. Ineffectual) took the Sarcastic Brit into his office and chewed him out for broadcasting such a stupid thing as a health and safety issue to the entire company.
Hence, our lab walk through. Let us start at the back door. Less than four feet from the door (in the traffic pattern), resting on a plastic garbage can (with a lid that isn't flat) are two gallon bottles of a concentrated mixture of phosphoric, nitric and acetic acid. Not to worry, it's on a level surface... or not. It's out of the way... or not. It's safe... or not.
Next, we will move on to the four additional gallons sitting in the crate in the middle of the floor. Then, there are the (still) uncorked carboys containing the concentrated nitric acid/hexane mixture. Of course all of this stuff is within five feet of the door, and very much in the traffic pattern. It's alright, we only have to dodge landmines of concentrated acid to get to work. No problem. Perhaps somebody should reintroduce Jar Jar to the acid cabinet.
Next, there is the sink. This particular sink is a laundry tub (of the cheap Walmart variety.) It is not plumbed in, as the landlord doesn't want his tenants to actually use the building. But... we really need a sink there. No problem. We will just place this five gallon pail (open of course) under the sink to catch the waste. And guess what - two more gallon bottles of concentrated acid are sitting in the sink.
Now, we haven't even got to the heinous stuff yet. Remember that Email? Either Jar Jar or Princes Amidala decided to provide a bit of insurance against the ionizing air gun blowing up, so they carved a couple of holes in a plastic tool box to create secondary blast mitigation. I wonder what the blast rating is on a $5 plastic tool box.
Closer inspection revealed something even more interesting. Apparently, Jar Jar ran out of nitrogen. No problem, the plasma asher is right there, and it has a gas bottle. All gas bottles are the same, right? The regulator doesn't fit. That's ok, we will just swap over the gun to the new regulator. The bottles are both green. They are the same thing right?
What do you get when you run oxygen through an ionizer. Only ozone. Carry on. Nothing to see here. We're just filling the lab up with ozone. It's ok to breath. No strong oxidizers here.
We reported the issues to Mr. Ineffectual (who is supposedly Princess Amidala's boss, who is now supposedly Jar Jar's boss). He said that he will look into it.
I suggested that the Sarcastic Brit's next health and safety email be sent to a different organization. Perhaps OSHA.
It's strange. EWA once referred to Jar Jar as "a douche bag with the cranial capacity of a walnut." Everybody thought that he was out of line. There were several complaints. My only complaint was that he wasn't harsh enough. Eventially Princess Amidala and Mr. Ineffectual will be unable to defend him. My only fear is what the event will be. Will burning down the building and killing the majority of the Mecca's employees be sufficient. Probably not -Swiper probably wouldn't notice if the company were gone anyway.
Jar Jar has been using the ionizing air gun that the Sarcastic Brit "sent him to the Home Depot" for. Although the gun was rated for 40 PSI, it wasn't blowing hard enough, so Jar Jar took it upon himself to connect the gun to a nitrogen cylinder at 150PSI. Don't worry about the crazing in the plastic canister that holds the filter. It's alright. Really.
The Sarcastic Brit sent an email out to the company advising that people should read the safety precautions on things and not do dumb stuff like connecting the ionizer at 3+ times the rated pressure.
The response was classic Biotech Mecca. Our boss (Mr. Ineffectual) took the Sarcastic Brit into his office and chewed him out for broadcasting such a stupid thing as a health and safety issue to the entire company.
Hence, our lab walk through. Let us start at the back door. Less than four feet from the door (in the traffic pattern), resting on a plastic garbage can (with a lid that isn't flat) are two gallon bottles of a concentrated mixture of phosphoric, nitric and acetic acid. Not to worry, it's on a level surface... or not. It's out of the way... or not. It's safe... or not.
Next, we will move on to the four additional gallons sitting in the crate in the middle of the floor. Then, there are the (still) uncorked carboys containing the concentrated nitric acid/hexane mixture. Of course all of this stuff is within five feet of the door, and very much in the traffic pattern. It's alright, we only have to dodge landmines of concentrated acid to get to work. No problem. Perhaps somebody should reintroduce Jar Jar to the acid cabinet.
Next, there is the sink. This particular sink is a laundry tub (of the cheap Walmart variety.) It is not plumbed in, as the landlord doesn't want his tenants to actually use the building. But... we really need a sink there. No problem. We will just place this five gallon pail (open of course) under the sink to catch the waste. And guess what - two more gallon bottles of concentrated acid are sitting in the sink.
Now, we haven't even got to the heinous stuff yet. Remember that Email? Either Jar Jar or Princes Amidala decided to provide a bit of insurance against the ionizing air gun blowing up, so they carved a couple of holes in a plastic tool box to create secondary blast mitigation. I wonder what the blast rating is on a $5 plastic tool box.
Closer inspection revealed something even more interesting. Apparently, Jar Jar ran out of nitrogen. No problem, the plasma asher is right there, and it has a gas bottle. All gas bottles are the same, right? The regulator doesn't fit. That's ok, we will just swap over the gun to the new regulator. The bottles are both green. They are the same thing right?
What do you get when you run oxygen through an ionizer. Only ozone. Carry on. Nothing to see here. We're just filling the lab up with ozone. It's ok to breath. No strong oxidizers here.
We reported the issues to Mr. Ineffectual (who is supposedly Princess Amidala's boss, who is now supposedly Jar Jar's boss). He said that he will look into it.
I suggested that the Sarcastic Brit's next health and safety email be sent to a different organization. Perhaps OSHA.
It's strange. EWA once referred to Jar Jar as "a douche bag with the cranial capacity of a walnut." Everybody thought that he was out of line. There were several complaints. My only complaint was that he wasn't harsh enough. Eventially Princess Amidala and Mr. Ineffectual will be unable to defend him. My only fear is what the event will be. Will burning down the building and killing the majority of the Mecca's employees be sufficient. Probably not -Swiper probably wouldn't notice if the company were gone anyway.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts?
I had an interesting conversation last week with the Mecca's single largest investor. The Evil Wall Street Analyst (EWA). My first encounter with EWA was about six months ago. He had been working for an investment firm in New York as their biotech analyst, and had somehow gotten in touch with one of the Mecca's other investors (who is an anti-biotech analyst) and was convinced that the Mecca's product was the next best thing since sliced bread.
Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.
Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.
He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:
EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.
At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.
After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.
Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.
Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.
He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:
EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.
At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.
After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.
Monday, September 28, 2009
The EPA loves you
I think that I have mentioned that Jar Jar originally worked for me. He is however about as useful as ice skates in Arizona, and about as bright as a grub, so I basically told my boss that I wasn't going to bother with him. He was hired a new boss - the sample holder processing consultant. Much like Princess Amidala, she is constantly sticking up for Jar Jar.
Princess Amidala came to me today, and the following exchange took place:
PA: When you were doing the chip processing, how did you get rid of stuff.
Me: Don't tell the EPA, or we will probably all go to jail. The former head of biology told me to set the hexane in a beaker and let it evaporate. The phosphoric acid went down the drain with copious amounts of water, and I saved the chromate, as I don't want to go to jail for dumping it.
PA: You dumped the acid down the drain?
Me: Yep. It was only a few ounces, and phosphoric acid neutralizes to phosphate. It makes the plants grow. As for the chromate, the bottle disappeared. I guess that somebody thought it was OK to dump it.
PA: NO... so you didn't call the waste disposal guys?
Me: No, I was saving it up until we had enough to bother.
PA: Oh. Well it seems that Jar Jar has dumped about two gallons of hexane with about two gallons of concentrated acid.
Me: [loudly groans]
PA: It hasn't exploded yet.
Me: [More groans.] Yet?
Sarcastic Brit: I hear Harbinger making bad sounds. What's up?
Me: Seems that Jar Jar has been mixing the hexane and the acid.
Sarcastic Brit: OK then. That about sums it up. I guess that he didn't figure out that I bought two containers: One for acid and one for solvents.
Me: Apparently not.
PA: It seems that he has been wiping the tables down with hexane as well.
Me: Really? Hasn't anybody told him that hexane fumes are bad.
PA: He's an engineer. Engineers don't know anything about chemicals.
Me: Really? What do chemical engineers do? Besides, he's not an engineer. [Thinking - He's a dust bunny.]
PA: I guess that we will have to call the waste disposal guys to get the acid.
Me: Are you going to tell them about the hexane? You could forget to mention it, but that might make them a bit angry.
PA: I guess that I had better tell them about the hexane.
Princess Amidala came to me today, and the following exchange took place:
PA: When you were doing the chip processing, how did you get rid of stuff.
Me: Don't tell the EPA, or we will probably all go to jail. The former head of biology told me to set the hexane in a beaker and let it evaporate. The phosphoric acid went down the drain with copious amounts of water, and I saved the chromate, as I don't want to go to jail for dumping it.
PA: You dumped the acid down the drain?
Me: Yep. It was only a few ounces, and phosphoric acid neutralizes to phosphate. It makes the plants grow. As for the chromate, the bottle disappeared. I guess that somebody thought it was OK to dump it.
PA: NO... so you didn't call the waste disposal guys?
Me: No, I was saving it up until we had enough to bother.
PA: Oh. Well it seems that Jar Jar has dumped about two gallons of hexane with about two gallons of concentrated acid.
Me: [loudly groans]
PA: It hasn't exploded yet.
Me: [More groans.] Yet?
Sarcastic Brit: I hear Harbinger making bad sounds. What's up?
Me: Seems that Jar Jar has been mixing the hexane and the acid.
Sarcastic Brit: OK then. That about sums it up. I guess that he didn't figure out that I bought two containers: One for acid and one for solvents.
Me: Apparently not.
PA: It seems that he has been wiping the tables down with hexane as well.
Me: Really? Hasn't anybody told him that hexane fumes are bad.
PA: He's an engineer. Engineers don't know anything about chemicals.
Me: Really? What do chemical engineers do? Besides, he's not an engineer. [Thinking - He's a dust bunny.]
PA: I guess that we will have to call the waste disposal guys to get the acid.
Me: Are you going to tell them about the hexane? You could forget to mention it, but that might make them a bit angry.
PA: I guess that I had better tell them about the hexane.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Looking for a few good men
First, I must admit to having a we bit of a narcissistic moment, when I noticed that my hit counter had broken the 200 mark. I don't know who is reading this thing. It may be my wife, trying to boost my ego. Perhaps there are actually that many people who find flaming train wrecks amusing. Perhaps I should get a more sophisticated counter so that I can see who is actually reading. There are not many comments, so it seems that my readers are not overly talkative. Of course, it could be that Swiper has found this blog and all of the hits are the lawyers getting ready to sue me. Don't laugh... If I had something worth taking the jackals would be right there. But enough of that - it has been far too long since I posted anything.
As I have previously lamented, the Biotech Mecca is somewhat heavy with electrical engineers, and bereft of mechanical people. We have had several employees who have either fancied themselves mechanical designers (but have not been), or have been capable but ornery.
At the Mecca, we have been chronically searching for a good mechanical engineer. Mr. Mom pompously said that it needed to be a requirement that we hire somebody who had worked on a successful instrumentation project. This was said when I was sitting in the senior management meeting on account of my boss being absent. My response to that lunacy was "no - the only requirements are that the person be able to design mechanical stuff and that they can get along with the rest of the engineers." I was told that it would be good for the culture. What the hell does that mean? So, I asked that question. "You know, having somebody who knows how to design a product." I will admit that I rose to the bait. "I have worked with many people who were on successful product teams, and you couldn't pay me enough to work with any of them." Thankfully, I didn't have to relate the stories of the amazing Costco and Dr. Fubar from a previous company. I have some material from there too... but that's another story. (Cue the Xylophone and the rodents.)
We all know that a pedigree does not make somebody good, and lack of a pedigree does not make them stink. On the other hand, I would like to think that my 6+ years of university education are worth something. I have also come to recognize that years of experience are also somewhat meaningless. If one is observant and able to learn from their mistakes, experience is a fabulous teacher. Other people... Needless to say, we start with the resumes.
We got five candidates from the head hunter. They seemed alright. We interviewed the first guy - perhaps too much manager and not enough design engineer. Since the last thing the engineering group needs is another manager, we decided to put that guy on the back burner.
The next four candidates had solid resumes - degrees in mechanical engineering, work experience (one had ten years of experience), and a couple even had graduate degrees.
Candidate #2: He asked to be excused from the interview before even talking to me. Probably, he didn't really want the job.
Candidate #3: Somebody Lee. Bruce Lee's long lost Cousin? Perhaps the hand written thank-you card with the Taco Bell coupon was supposed to make up for the fact that he couldn't answer any of our questions. We didn't bother running him through the CAD test. He couldn't answer what we thought were easy questions about mechanical engineering. That's pretty sad, considering the interview was conducted by an electrical engineer, and physicist and a mechanical designer. (Actually, Buffalo Bill is really only competent as a draftsman, but suggesting that to his face would probably make him cry.)
Candidate #4: Cindy Lou Who. She got a couple of our kindergarten questions. We let her do the CAD test. After two hours, she gave us a blank screen.
Candidate #5: Another Lee. Bruce seems to have been busy. This guy was young, but he had a graduate degree, so he's probably smart... right? Why did a series of easy mechanical engineering questions feel like I was giving a first year engineering lecture? Perhaps he was nervous... On to the CAD test. We actually got something from him. It was perhaps the most improbable way one could have done it given the bits that he had to work with. Image giving somebody four wheels, some gears and a car body, and telling them to build a mode of transportation. Then, imagine returning to find that they tried to build a Piano.
OK, so we may not be the most desirable company ever. So maybe we didn't get the headhunter's best candidates. However, I had hoped that we wouldn't get the who's who of Silicon Valley engineering rejects. Wait... We didn't interview Captain Fantastic. I guess that we didn't get ALL of the rejects. I couldn't find the clip that I wanted to describe this set of interviews, but this one is still pretty much dead on..
By the way... the first guy we interviewed - got a job before we offered him one. Apparently, he wasn't holding out to work for the Mecca either.
The Sarcastic Brit did run into a guy in the parking lot that does mechanical engineering on a contract basis. Of course the last guy we pulled in from the parking lot was Jar Jar. This guy can't be worse. When my boss interviewed him, he told the following metaphor: In the engineering world, there are Hyenas and there are Cheetahs. Cheetahs are very specialized. While they are excellent hunters, they often go hungry between meals. Hyenas will eat anything. They never go hungry. The metaphor finished with "I am a Hyena." I hope the Hyena is good, he starts on Monday. He did an excellent interview. He doesn't mind working contract because he intends to quit when it looks like we are running out of work for him. Hmmm... it seems like a match made in heaven. He's willing to eat carrion (of course he may have to fight off the vultures we routinely see circling the Mecca's office), and he realizes that there is no point in sticking around once the work (and/or money) are gone.
Of course, if this guy is good, and doesn't call anybody a Punkass M*otherF^c&er it will be a new experience.
As I have previously lamented, the Biotech Mecca is somewhat heavy with electrical engineers, and bereft of mechanical people. We have had several employees who have either fancied themselves mechanical designers (but have not been), or have been capable but ornery.
At the Mecca, we have been chronically searching for a good mechanical engineer. Mr. Mom pompously said that it needed to be a requirement that we hire somebody who had worked on a successful instrumentation project. This was said when I was sitting in the senior management meeting on account of my boss being absent. My response to that lunacy was "no - the only requirements are that the person be able to design mechanical stuff and that they can get along with the rest of the engineers." I was told that it would be good for the culture. What the hell does that mean? So, I asked that question. "You know, having somebody who knows how to design a product." I will admit that I rose to the bait. "I have worked with many people who were on successful product teams, and you couldn't pay me enough to work with any of them." Thankfully, I didn't have to relate the stories of the amazing Costco and Dr. Fubar from a previous company. I have some material from there too... but that's another story. (Cue the Xylophone and the rodents.)
We all know that a pedigree does not make somebody good, and lack of a pedigree does not make them stink. On the other hand, I would like to think that my 6+ years of university education are worth something. I have also come to recognize that years of experience are also somewhat meaningless. If one is observant and able to learn from their mistakes, experience is a fabulous teacher. Other people... Needless to say, we start with the resumes.
We got five candidates from the head hunter. They seemed alright. We interviewed the first guy - perhaps too much manager and not enough design engineer. Since the last thing the engineering group needs is another manager, we decided to put that guy on the back burner.
The next four candidates had solid resumes - degrees in mechanical engineering, work experience (one had ten years of experience), and a couple even had graduate degrees.
Candidate #2: He asked to be excused from the interview before even talking to me. Probably, he didn't really want the job.
Candidate #3: Somebody Lee. Bruce Lee's long lost Cousin? Perhaps the hand written thank-you card with the Taco Bell coupon was supposed to make up for the fact that he couldn't answer any of our questions. We didn't bother running him through the CAD test. He couldn't answer what we thought were easy questions about mechanical engineering. That's pretty sad, considering the interview was conducted by an electrical engineer, and physicist and a mechanical designer. (Actually, Buffalo Bill is really only competent as a draftsman, but suggesting that to his face would probably make him cry.)
Candidate #4: Cindy Lou Who. She got a couple of our kindergarten questions. We let her do the CAD test. After two hours, she gave us a blank screen.
Candidate #5: Another Lee. Bruce seems to have been busy. This guy was young, but he had a graduate degree, so he's probably smart... right? Why did a series of easy mechanical engineering questions feel like I was giving a first year engineering lecture? Perhaps he was nervous... On to the CAD test. We actually got something from him. It was perhaps the most improbable way one could have done it given the bits that he had to work with. Image giving somebody four wheels, some gears and a car body, and telling them to build a mode of transportation. Then, imagine returning to find that they tried to build a Piano.
OK, so we may not be the most desirable company ever. So maybe we didn't get the headhunter's best candidates. However, I had hoped that we wouldn't get the who's who of Silicon Valley engineering rejects. Wait... We didn't interview Captain Fantastic. I guess that we didn't get ALL of the rejects. I couldn't find the clip that I wanted to describe this set of interviews, but this one is still pretty much dead on..
By the way... the first guy we interviewed - got a job before we offered him one. Apparently, he wasn't holding out to work for the Mecca either.
The Sarcastic Brit did run into a guy in the parking lot that does mechanical engineering on a contract basis. Of course the last guy we pulled in from the parking lot was Jar Jar. This guy can't be worse. When my boss interviewed him, he told the following metaphor: In the engineering world, there are Hyenas and there are Cheetahs. Cheetahs are very specialized. While they are excellent hunters, they often go hungry between meals. Hyenas will eat anything. They never go hungry. The metaphor finished with "I am a Hyena." I hope the Hyena is good, he starts on Monday. He did an excellent interview. He doesn't mind working contract because he intends to quit when it looks like we are running out of work for him. Hmmm... it seems like a match made in heaven. He's willing to eat carrion (of course he may have to fight off the vultures we routinely see circling the Mecca's office), and he realizes that there is no point in sticking around once the work (and/or money) are gone.
Of course, if this guy is good, and doesn't call anybody a Punkass M*otherF^c&er it will be a new experience.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Mr. Mom
The Biotech Mecca is lousy with consultants. Some of these consultants are actually good, but almost universally they are given next to no direction and are allowed to run off in any direction they wish. In even more extreme cases, the consultants tell the senior management how to run the company. Unfortunately, running a company this way tends to provide the worst in seagull management.
One of the most feared (for being annoying) consultants at the Biotech Mecca is Mr Mom. Mr. Mom is a friend of the fearful COO, but is such a sociopath, he immediately became the most trusted confidant of the CEO (Swiper the fox).
The strange thing about Mr. Mom is that he was supposedly super successful, and then decided to stay at home to raise the kids while his wife works. Is he married to Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? Something doesn't add up, but in any case, Mr. Mom is on the senior management team, and like those big, ugly cockroaches, he's here to stay.
The Sarcastic Brit received the following email from a friend of his that works for the competition. This message was in response to the announcement on the Mecca's web site that Mr. Mom had been named to the senior management team.
Hi there,
he's a psychopath. I absolutely cannot stand him. Hopefully he's not
going to manage anyone directly-he's an arrogant bully.
He'll undoubtedly tell everyone how many times he saved his former employer's
arse (most of which I have found out are not true) and he'll claim he
invented the industry standard (which he didn't).
That said, he's really smart, and definitely knows his stuff on the
chemistry front (for instrument/product specifications/opportunities). In
an advisory role, I could see how he might be useful. Maybe.
Perhaps. If you're desperate.
My advice would be to tread very carefully, and avoid him as much as
you can. I'll keep my ears open about jobs in the area-there are
definitely some opptys out there, they're just a bit more scarce
than they have been...
Hope you are well otherwise,
Cheers,
The Sarcastic Brit's Friend
In another email, the Sarcastic Brit's friend offered this analysis:
just saw the news that The Biotech Mecca has recruited Mr. Mom to help advise them... You really are screwed now...
(to be fair, in his rare moments of sanity/sobriety-he does have the occasional lucid thought about how to get products to market)
You may think that the Sarcastic Brit's friend has a personal vendetta against this guy. That may be, but I do not think without reason. I will elaborate in a later post.
Where's that man-eating vacuum when you need it?
One of the most feared (for being annoying) consultants at the Biotech Mecca is Mr Mom. Mr. Mom is a friend of the fearful COO, but is such a sociopath, he immediately became the most trusted confidant of the CEO (Swiper the fox).
The strange thing about Mr. Mom is that he was supposedly super successful, and then decided to stay at home to raise the kids while his wife works. Is he married to Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? Something doesn't add up, but in any case, Mr. Mom is on the senior management team, and like those big, ugly cockroaches, he's here to stay.
The Sarcastic Brit received the following email from a friend of his that works for the competition. This message was in response to the announcement on the Mecca's web site that Mr. Mom had been named to the senior management team.
Hi there,
he's a psychopath. I absolutely cannot stand him. Hopefully he's not
going to manage anyone directly-he's an arrogant bully.
He'll undoubtedly tell everyone how many times he saved his former employer's
arse (most of which I have found out are not true) and he'll claim he
invented the industry standard (which he didn't).
That said, he's really smart, and definitely knows his stuff on the
chemistry front (for instrument/product specifications/opportunities). In
an advisory role, I could see how he might be useful. Maybe.
Perhaps. If you're desperate.
My advice would be to tread very carefully, and avoid him as much as
you can. I'll keep my ears open about jobs in the area-there are
definitely some opptys out there, they're just a bit more scarce
than they have been...
Hope you are well otherwise,
Cheers,
The Sarcastic Brit's Friend
In another email, the Sarcastic Brit's friend offered this analysis:
just saw the news that The Biotech Mecca has recruited Mr. Mom to help advise them... You really are screwed now...
(to be fair, in his rare moments of sanity/sobriety-he does have the occasional lucid thought about how to get products to market)
You may think that the Sarcastic Brit's friend has a personal vendetta against this guy. That may be, but I do not think without reason. I will elaborate in a later post.
Where's that man-eating vacuum when you need it?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Miracle FET
First of all, for those of you who have watched too many Star Wars movies, and/or are not familiar with electronics, this has nothing to do with Boba Fett, The Force, or the Death Star. Although Darth Vader could teach the senior management at the Biotech Mecca a thing or two about motivational techniques. Do not fail me Admiral.
Captain Fantastic brought in his electronics wizard as a consultant. He constantly reminded us that his man had twenty five years experience (f**king it up) in Silicon Valley. In fact, the man had some skill. He managed to take the Mecca for $50,000 and only delivered a board cut at a 15° angle.
Anyhow, the instrument has a heater that draws in the neighbourhood of 20A of current. We wished to switch the heater with a Field Effect Transistor (FET). Unfortunately, the circuit that this Silicon Valley Veteran had conceived kept blowing the FET. It seems that even a small junction resistance turns into a lot of power when you have a high current. The Sarcastic Brit mentioned that this may be what was causing the FETs to burn up. There's nothing like the smell of burned plastic in the morning. The consultant insisted that the FETs didn't dissipate any power. I'm reminded of the Simpsons "In this house, young lady, we OBEY the laws of thermodynamics."
Captain Fantastic stepped in at this point. His addition to the discussion was that nobody at the Mecca was an electrical engineer, so we should all just trust his man, who had been doing things right in Silicon Valley for over 25 years.
That's right, Captain Fantastic's consultant had managed to defy the laws of physics and produce Miracle FETs.
A couple of days later, the Sarcastic Brit got a voice mail from the consultant. It went something like this:
I was... um... looking at the data sheet for that FET... and... um... It looks like it does have a pretty high junction resistance... um... It looks like... um... it would probably... um... dissipate quite a bit of power at 20A. I don't think... um... that it will handle that much current.
For weeks after that, the Sarcastic Brit would play that message on his speaker phone and just grin. He would also occasionally forward a copy of it to Captain Fantastic. I think that it was the saddest day of his life when he learned that the phone system deletes old messages after two months.
Shortly after the phone message we had an engineering team meeting to discuss what everybody was working on. It turns out that of the six members of the engineering team at that time, exactly half of the team was composed of electrical engineers. In addition we discovered that the Sarcastic Brit was just waiting until the appropriate time to inform Captain Fantastic that he was one of those three electrical engineers.
Inconceivable.
Captain Fantastic brought in his electronics wizard as a consultant. He constantly reminded us that his man had twenty five years experience (f**king it up) in Silicon Valley. In fact, the man had some skill. He managed to take the Mecca for $50,000 and only delivered a board cut at a 15° angle.
Anyhow, the instrument has a heater that draws in the neighbourhood of 20A of current. We wished to switch the heater with a Field Effect Transistor (FET). Unfortunately, the circuit that this Silicon Valley Veteran had conceived kept blowing the FET. It seems that even a small junction resistance turns into a lot of power when you have a high current. The Sarcastic Brit mentioned that this may be what was causing the FETs to burn up. There's nothing like the smell of burned plastic in the morning. The consultant insisted that the FETs didn't dissipate any power. I'm reminded of the Simpsons "In this house, young lady, we OBEY the laws of thermodynamics."
Captain Fantastic stepped in at this point. His addition to the discussion was that nobody at the Mecca was an electrical engineer, so we should all just trust his man, who had been doing things right in Silicon Valley for over 25 years.
That's right, Captain Fantastic's consultant had managed to defy the laws of physics and produce Miracle FETs.
A couple of days later, the Sarcastic Brit got a voice mail from the consultant. It went something like this:
I was... um... looking at the data sheet for that FET... and... um... It looks like it does have a pretty high junction resistance... um... It looks like... um... it would probably... um... dissipate quite a bit of power at 20A. I don't think... um... that it will handle that much current.
For weeks after that, the Sarcastic Brit would play that message on his speaker phone and just grin. He would also occasionally forward a copy of it to Captain Fantastic. I think that it was the saddest day of his life when he learned that the phone system deletes old messages after two months.
Shortly after the phone message we had an engineering team meeting to discuss what everybody was working on. It turns out that of the six members of the engineering team at that time, exactly half of the team was composed of electrical engineers. In addition we discovered that the Sarcastic Brit was just waiting until the appropriate time to inform Captain Fantastic that he was one of those three electrical engineers.
Inconceivable.
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