New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part III

A couple of weeks passed. Things seemed to be settled into one of those funks that although it stinks, you can almost convince yourself that there is actually not a rotten pile of dung right outside your window.

It was decided that there was too much drafting work to do, so we would hire a mechanical designer (or senior drafter) to assist Buffalo Bill. Of course everybody (but Bill) was thinking about it being his replacement. I was still hopeful that it wouldn't come to that, but I wasn't holding my breath.

The next incident that added fuel to the fire was a faux pas that I committed. Mr. Ineffectual got a couple of resumes from a body shop (temp agency), and Buffalo Bill was offended that the Sarcastic Brit and I were sent the resumes while he was not. I figured it couldn't hurt to pass them along and forwarded the email. It never occurred to me that the email also contained the hourly rates for both candidates. To make matters worse, the body shop was charging more for either of these two guys than we were paying Buffalo Bill. Needless to say, this made Buffalo Bill unhappy.

I tried to smooth over the situation by taking Bill out for lunch and telling him that it really doesn't matter what anybody else makes, and that all he should be worried about was his own work and compensation. I added that I used to worry about things like that, but there was no point, and life was too short. I thought that maybe I had gotten through to him, and his attitude would improve.

We interviewed two candidates. One had lots of experience using our CAD package, and came from the body shop. The other candidate was a friend of a friend of one of the other engineers, but didn't seem to have ever used our CAD software (which is probably the most common package available.) Anyway, Buffalo Bill took over the interviews. Far from being a guy on the verge of being sacked for producing nothing but flaming piles of doo, he acted as though he were the head of engineering or something.

Needless to say, he didn't like the guy from the body shop. Apparently he was smarmy. Of course, I am sure that his hourly rate (that was about 50% higher than Bill's) didn't have anything to do with it. The other guy - the one that seemingly had NO experience whatever with our CAD software was the obvious winner.

Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcast Brit and I sat down the next day to discuss the two candidates. We decided to go with the guy who would need the least amount of help. Mr. Ineffectual called the body shop to make the arrangements.

I was sitting in an open area of the office that day, eating lunch with Fly Boy when Bill came by and joined us. I was talking to Flyboy about the amount of work we to do, and commented that getting the new designer in would help immensely.

I saw Buffalo Bill grow tense as he asked which guy we picked. I told him. He started swearing about not being consulted and that his oppinion obviously didn't amount to sh!t. Unfortunately, that statement was pretty true. If his work had been adequate, or if he hadn't made an ass of himself in the interviews, or if I hadn't grown so tired of his griping for months, I might have cared more. He stormed off. I shrugged.

The next morning was a company wide meeting. Buffalo Bill decided that he was going to boycot. I heard him say this and left. At that point, he told the Dragon Lady that he knew how much money the new mechanical engineer was making, and he was very upset. When the Dragon Lady asked him where he got his information, he revealed that the informant was the account that does the SOX compliance. Since Bill and the accountant are not particularly chummy, I have to assume that the accountant was trying to make the worst of a bad situation. What did he have to gain? I have no clue. I should probably mention the fact that the new mechanical engineer has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering, and not an associate's degree in project management from DeVry. Of course those are more or less eqivalent qualifications for doing mechanical design work.

The Dragon Lady was livid about salary information being given out, and she was also sick and tired of Buffalo Bill. She spoke to Swiper. Then I spoke to Swiper, and had to explain why Bill was still hanging around like a plague over the company. I didn't have a good answer. It wasn't because of his awsome work.

I talked to Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcastic Brit, and human resources, and we decided to pull the plug the next day. We would do it nice and early, before too many people show up. (Starting time at the Mecca is typically the crack of noon.) Everything was in place. We arranged for Bill's replacement (Mr. Smarmy) to show up after noon so there would be no confrontation.

That afternoon, Buffalo Bill tried to re-enact the highlights from a Sabres game and hip-checked Mr. Ineffectual into the wall. Perhaps that is what made Mr. ineffectual turn red. Perhaps it was the comment "that was for being an idiot". In either case, it's not a wise thing to do to the boss. Buffalo bill was given his severence that afternoon.

Since the Sarcastic Brit was nominally Bill's manager, he got the enviable job of delivering the pink slip. Apparently, Bill didn't think that the Brit would do it, as his parting words were akin to "Et tu, Brute". Later, Bill sent the Sarcastic Brit an email, stating there were no hard feelings, as he was obviously the sacrificial lamb for the project being late.

Of course, the the good feelings didn't end there. He called up one of our most important vendors and told them that the Mecca was laying people off because they had no money to pay employees or suppliers. Needless to say, the vendor was very happy that Bill had been sacked for being an incompetent dork with a bad attitude.

Will Mr. Smarmy fare any better than Buffalo Bill? We don't know. After we took the wheel barrow to Buffalo Bill's cubicle, and found litterally several thousand sheets with markups, and no way of knowing which had been added to the system, we decided to sort the little pieces of paper (ten man hours later) and deliver them to Mr Smarmy for vetting. We haven't seen him since.

I have learned this: The Mecca is not a safe place for mechanical designers.

New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part II

For several several weeks Buffalo Bill kept asking me if the Sarcastic Brit was still angry with him. Of course, he repeated the same (bus throwing) comments at every opportunity, which probably didn't help with the Brit's anger levels.

In order to speed up the project, the Sarcastic Brit and I decided to take over all actual design tasks. I am roughly as good as a six year old with one of those big, fat pencils, which puts me light years ahead of Buffalo Bill with his crayon. This prompted a post-it note on Bill's monitor. It said "You are a nobody. Just shut up and do the drawings."

Unfortunately, Bill had been ordering the parts he was drafting as well. It was chaos. We had five times too many of some parts, and were missing other parts entirely. Fly Boy was hired to sort out the bill of materials and do the purchasing. This further upset Bill, as he considered documentation and purchasing to be two things that he could do very well. His record spoke for itself. We hired a replacement.

After several months of worsening attitude and performance, the Sarcastic Brit found a letter on his desk. I have only changed the names. My comments are in blue.

How I have been ripped off by the Mecca
6 months of not paying the appropriate taxes. apparently he lacked the discipline to withold his own taxes
Loss of 3 holidays and a weeks vacation pay isn't that the 5% you refused to take in pay cut?
When I was claimed overtime pay I was paid straighty time not time and a half. no tears from me. I am salaried and routinely work unpaid overtime

When I go direct (permanent) how I will be ripped off. News flash: your work and attitude have been so crappy that it won't happen now
Time of service will start when ever the management get around to it. or when hell freezes over
At some point there will be a proclamation that will benefit those people who were direct employees as a date prior to my official start date but after I was here date. It appears that you have been drinking Swiper's Cool-Aid.
FYI I started March 10, 2009
When everyone else is brought back to their previous levels, I will not be recognized in that group because I came in afterwards. I will be told that I should have negotiated for a higher wage when I was hired. What can I say? You're delusional.
Stock price on March 10, 2009 was around $1.20 a share.... it has gone up Talk to EWA
Either the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger will be fired and I will be left to complete the project; Or I will be fired as the sacrifical lamb. Either way, I will be screwed. OK...

Why do I stay? Because you are a loser.
The short Commute and flexibility. and incredible levels of insanity
Working with the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger Don't forget Jar Jar!
The opportunity to work in a company that has potential if management allows it too. Management is definitely anti-potential.

The Sarcastic Brit had heard enough. He passed the paper on to Human Resources, and we had a meeting in which we decided that Buffalo Bill had to go.

What did you say this thing had to do?

The drawer assembly in the prototype instrument was designed by Captain Fantastic. Needless to say, it was - you guessed it - fantastic. Among its problems, it required alignment of the drawer position with respect to the stuff that was under the drawer. This should not have been a problem, as the alignment was in the direction of the drawer movement. The alignment can be done by moving the position of the switch that tells the machine when the drawer is closed. There was only one problem - you couldn't get to the limit switch while the thing was assembled, so alignment required testing the position, ripping the thing apart, adjusting the switch, putting it back together and doing it all over again (and again... and again...)

We asked Buffalo Bill to take a look at it. He spent several days, and complained mightily about how hard of a problem it was. Of course I was busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project and didn't figure that I would have much to offer the "mechanical designer" in the way of assistance. The Sarcastic Brit didn't figure that the problem was worthy of his attention either, as he was also very busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project. The result was that we told Buffalo Bill to "just sort it out and make it work". Bill was very proud of the resulting design. It had cute little brackets, and he had moved everything around. But, it was completely adjustable.

We got the parts in last week to test them out. The switches were in the wrong place. No matter, it was only a couple of milimeters and we could worry about it later. The next thing I noticed was that I couldn't get to the switches when the thing was assembled. Of course I only had one of the two switches in place. It's too late to mess with it though... so we will have to live with it. I decided to just install the other switch. So... I took the thing apart and installed the other switch. I quickly noticed however, that it was impossible to assemble the thing when both of the switches were in place. At this point, the "Fantastic" solution was looking pretty good.

Thankfully, we have a big scrap metal bin with all of the old parts in it. Flyboy keeps offering to take it to the scap metal dealer for us, and I keep resisting. I was reminded of the old Hercules cartoons where the Centaur is rooting through the dead tree to find Herc's bow and arrows or other crap. There were pieces of metal all over the lab floor, but at last, I found the pieces!

I started looking at the design... I knew how to do it... all I had to do was cut a hole through the top of the drawer for the limit switches. Feeling very proud of myself, I went to find Buffalo Bill to tell him about the problem, and the solution.

Buffalo Bill took the news pretty well. He had kind of figured (so he said anyway) that it would require three wrists to adjust the swtich position. He assured me again that it was very difficult to figure out how to do it, and that his design was the only way to fit everything in. I suggested that we would have to move the switches to the other side. He responded that there was no room there. But... that's where they were before he moved them.

Finally, I was forced to walk away. It was Friday afternoon, and I wasn't going to worry about the fact that our mechanical designer (with about 25 years of experience) couldn't figure out how to design the pieces, even after I told him how to do so. It looks like Monday will be mechanical design day for me.

Team Building Exercises

I have many things that I could write about tonight. I want to tell the story of the Mad Man from Down South, but I'm not sure where to begin. Perhaps I will save that story for later and tell you about the inspirational company meeting we had today.

First, I want to tell you about the core values of the Biotech Mecca. These values were discussed in a company wide waste of time - er... I mean meeting. In addition, each of us were given a laminated wallet card, and posters were hung up around the Mecca.

Core Values
Strong mutual trust in each other
Open communications
Be very goal/results oriented
Value and respect people
Work hard and have fun

To summarize: Be excellent to each other. And, party on... DUDE!

Of course, Swiper missed the critical sixth core value: Just ship it.

Notice also, that honesty and integrity are not among the core values. Perhaps this is because we are expected to be sheep. It is certainly not because Swiper would never dream of being dishonest himself.

This morning we had a "mandatory company wide meeting". Swiper started to drone on about how this was his fifth company that he has built up, and at all of his other companies, there had been a sense of excitement. The employees at his previous companies were good little workers and worked lots of extra hours. They were really excited about their work, and there was a pervasive sense of ownership. The "inspirational talk" didn't threaten us with certain doom should we fail, nor did it promise us riches beyond our wildest dreams should we succeed. Like our flagship product, it did nothing particularly useful. He told us that we should be excited to be among the first employees of what was most certainly going to be a company with several hundred people. To what end? After such a weak pep talk, could things have gotten worse? You bet! Let's open up the floor to questions. Imagine the worst type of political town hall meeting, where you know that all of the questions are staged.

The Slimy Indian Barbapapa told us how we were on the cusp of being bought out (and presumably all being made rich). I have some swampland in Florida too.

Jaba told us that we had such great collaborators that all we had to do was give them a product. Which we can't get to work...

The scared COO told us how well placed we are in the marketplace... that people were seeking us out to use our technology. Which we can't get to work...

Too bad nearly every employee in the company fits one of three categories
- Pissed off beyond redemption
- Lazy, lying, trouble making backstabbers
- Simply clueless.

It's no wonder there is no sense of excitement and ownership. Group A spends their time avoiding group B for fear of being stabbed in the back, and group C because they are unpredictable, hence probably even more dangerous.

If one were to poll the engineering team at the Mecca, one would find that well over half of the group would answer the question "Why do you work here?" with "I haven't found a better (ANY other) job yet.

Swiper could have used the opportunity to single out people who had just worked very hard to deliver on a recent project for which the schedule was very tight. He could not do that, however, as I was leading that project, and my enemies are too powerful.

How was I thanked for delivering an alpha prototype of something that I was told meant the life or death of the company? I got promoted the position of glorified assembly technician. Am I surprised? No. My boss didn't want my management duties to take away from my concentration on turning three screws and passing the set.

All in all, it was an inspiration day at the Mecca.

Tomorrow should be even better. Myself, the Sarcastic Brit, the fearful COO, and Human Resources are getting together to discuss the degeneration of Buffalo Bill's attitude. He left a paper on the Sarcastic Brit's desk entitled "How I am getting screwed by the Biotech Mecca". Enough said? Buffalo Bill is perhaps the only person at the Mecca that openly makes my attitude look good.

I'll keep you posted.

Regarding suitable candidates

Regarding suitable candidates for the VP of engineering. Buffalo Bill provided the insight that the Sarcastic Brit should be the VP of Engineering. Why not? He's got the right pedigree, he's got that "sexy English accent", he's got enough gray hair, and can be cleaned up to look presentable. (He would have to ditch the "Guns don't kill people - men with mustaches kill people" T-shirt.) More importantly, he is one of the few people who works at the Biotech Mecca that knows how to behave in public. He hasn't even punched anybody in the mouth yet. Although those days may be numbered.

Unfortunately the overriding stench of competence immediately precludes him from the job.

Of course, we have also discussed hiring back the mad man as CTO. He doesn't know how to behave in public, but that skill is highly overrated in a position that requires technical genius anyway. This discussion has made it as far as to my boss, who agrees whole heartedly that the Mad Man would be perfect - provided he were in a room with the locks on the outside. Of course, I know that it will never get anywhere based on the fact that my boss supports it. (Remembering the whole ineffectual part.) Again, the overwhelming stench of competence is probably too large a barrier to overcome.

Then again, more engineers would probably do the company more good than hiring a fist full of new managers. If I actually cared anymore, I would find the situation highly frustrating. Given my current state of mind, being understaffed means that they can pay me for more months before running out of dough.

Jar Jar

We have this technician who claims to be an engineer. He has been given many tasks over his last year of employment, and has pretty much managed to screw up every one of them.

He showed up at our doorstep begging for a job. My boss at the time - the former VP of engineering who was sacked for being honest and competent (also known as the Mad Man from down South) was sucked in and decided that the guy was so eager that we couldn't go wrong. After all, he said that he was willing to do anything. Really? People are not always so eager once they are in the door.

We originally gave him a task doing some chemical etching. I was very happy to have somebody else do this because our lovely facility is not really equipped to deal with acid vapor, and it's better to have anybody do it but me. Unfortunately, he seems unable to follow a protocol. Of course, it didn't help that he lost the protocol and rather than asking for somebody to find it for him on the server, he just wrote a new one. After all... he's an engineer.

Then, we needed a vacuum pump rebuilt. He claimed to know how to do this, and had done it many times. Of course, when we gave him the kit and the simple task of matching the parts to the kit content list he couldn't figure out which part was which.

So, we decided to make things easier and asked him to arrange the bolts and nuts. Once he was finished, they were in no discernible order. He claimed to have a system, but the Sarcastic Brit - with the Oxford PhD- was too dumb to figure it out. The Sarcastic Brit asked Jar Jar to find an M3 by 10mm socket head cap screw. This required looking in every bin. Needless to say, Jar Jar was asked to come up with a slightly less random scheme. After attempt number three, the engineers just decided to cope with the fact that the M3 washers and M3 nuts live in the same bin, which is conveniently located between the M6 by 10 mm bolts and the M6 by 14 mm bolts, and nowhere near the M3 bolts that supposedly mate with the M3 washers and nuts.

Next, we asked him to clean up the lab and put things away. His first solution was to go to my boss. (supposedly Jar Jar reports to me, although I will deny it when asked... after all, I'm not allowed to fire him!) He managed to get engineering work to do. After all, he is an engineer. Of course, the task that he was given was so useless and pointless that I will only discuss it once I have run out of more interesting material. (Wait for the post in which I discuss the dark box).

The next attempt to have Jar Jar clean up the lab resulted in him opening the drawers and randomly pitching items into them. We still haven't found all of the bits. Of course, he still hasn't mastered basic matching, so like things were not even stuffed into the same drawers. Yikes!

Next, our lovely accounts payable / buyer (a cross between Tony Soprano and Rambo), the Dragon lady, asked Jar Jar to break down some boxes. He declined. Apparently, it's not his job. It seems that "I will do anything" does not include things that could be construed to be useful. Funny, but when she asks me to take the boxes out, I ask if there is anything else I can do in addition to that.

Next, we handed him to Buffalo Bill, who is our mechanical designer. Buffalo Bill does not play as fast an loose with instruction as the Sarcastic Brit or I do, so we figured that maybe he could get something useful out of him. The task was simple: Here is a stack of drawings - all you have to do is make sure that all of the parts in the drawings show up in the spreadsheet. If all goes well, Buffalo Bill figured that he could get Jar Jar to look at the parts we had in back and count them. After wasting two weeks on this little endeavor, Buffalo Bill was forced to admit that it was a waste of time, and that Jar Jar just wasn't up to the task. Of course, I took a lot of heat for the two week project slip from that one. Apparently, it is sometimes better to have no help than bad help.

Finally the Sarcastic Brit and I decided that we could only use Jar Jar as an errand boy. He owns a van and may have a valid drivers license. (I haven't asked and don't really want to know.) So today I hear the Dragon Lady call back to the cubicle area that Jar Jar is on the phone and needs to talk to the Sarcastic Brit. I was immediately interested when I heard the Sarcastic Brit exclaim "And why, Jar Jar, are you at the Home Depot?"

Unable to contain my curiosity, I had to ask. Apparently, he sent Jar Jar out to pick up an item from a place a couple of miles down the street. Jar Jar was armed with a company name and street address, as well as the helpful tip that the company was close to the Home Depot. His response was that he knew the area very well. So well in fact, that he forgot about the address and went directly to the Home Depot. Imagine his surprise when the poor clerk at the hardware store didn't know anything about an open purchase order, the Sarcastic Brit who had placed the order, the Biotech Mecca, or even what an ionizing dust-off gun was.

Well, at least he made it back in one piece. Of course, then the Sarcastic Brit was faced with the task of explaining its purpose and operation to Jar Jar, who will be it's primary user. Ok, you plug this in to the wall. This end goes to the air line. Here is where the air comes out. Yes, you may need some extra fittings. No... this is where you connect it to the air line. No, it's ok, you can do it tomorrow - when I am on a plane bound for Hong Kong.

Needless to say, I too will be out tomorrow. Coincidence - I think not.

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