A couple of weeks passed. Things seemed to be settled into one of those funks that although it stinks, you can almost convince yourself that there is actually not a rotten pile of dung right outside your window.
It was decided that there was too much drafting work to do, so we would hire a mechanical designer (or senior drafter) to assist Buffalo Bill. Of course everybody (but Bill) was thinking about it being his replacement. I was still hopeful that it wouldn't come to that, but I wasn't holding my breath.
The next incident that added fuel to the fire was a faux pas that I committed. Mr. Ineffectual got a couple of resumes from a body shop (temp agency), and Buffalo Bill was offended that the Sarcastic Brit and I were sent the resumes while he was not. I figured it couldn't hurt to pass them along and forwarded the email. It never occurred to me that the email also contained the hourly rates for both candidates. To make matters worse, the body shop was charging more for either of these two guys than we were paying Buffalo Bill. Needless to say, this made Buffalo Bill unhappy.
I tried to smooth over the situation by taking Bill out for lunch and telling him that it really doesn't matter what anybody else makes, and that all he should be worried about was his own work and compensation. I added that I used to worry about things like that, but there was no point, and life was too short. I thought that maybe I had gotten through to him, and his attitude would improve.
We interviewed two candidates. One had lots of experience using our CAD package, and came from the body shop. The other candidate was a friend of a friend of one of the other engineers, but didn't seem to have ever used our CAD software (which is probably the most common package available.) Anyway, Buffalo Bill took over the interviews. Far from being a guy on the verge of being sacked for producing nothing but flaming piles of doo, he acted as though he were the head of engineering or something.
Needless to say, he didn't like the guy from the body shop. Apparently he was smarmy. Of course, I am sure that his hourly rate (that was about 50% higher than Bill's) didn't have anything to do with it. The other guy - the one that seemingly had NO experience whatever with our CAD software was the obvious winner.
Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcast Brit and I sat down the next day to discuss the two candidates. We decided to go with the guy who would need the least amount of help. Mr. Ineffectual called the body shop to make the arrangements.
I was sitting in an open area of the office that day, eating lunch with Fly Boy when Bill came by and joined us. I was talking to Flyboy about the amount of work we to do, and commented that getting the new designer in would help immensely.
I saw Buffalo Bill grow tense as he asked which guy we picked. I told him. He started swearing about not being consulted and that his oppinion obviously didn't amount to sh!t. Unfortunately, that statement was pretty true. If his work had been adequate, or if he hadn't made an ass of himself in the interviews, or if I hadn't grown so tired of his griping for months, I might have cared more. He stormed off. I shrugged.
The next morning was a company wide meeting. Buffalo Bill decided that he was going to boycot. I heard him say this and left. At that point, he told the Dragon Lady that he knew how much money the new mechanical engineer was making, and he was very upset. When the Dragon Lady asked him where he got his information, he revealed that the informant was the account that does the SOX compliance. Since Bill and the accountant are not particularly chummy, I have to assume that the accountant was trying to make the worst of a bad situation. What did he have to gain? I have no clue. I should probably mention the fact that the new mechanical engineer has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering, and not an associate's degree in project management from DeVry. Of course those are more or less eqivalent qualifications for doing mechanical design work.
The Dragon Lady was livid about salary information being given out, and she was also sick and tired of Buffalo Bill. She spoke to Swiper. Then I spoke to Swiper, and had to explain why Bill was still hanging around like a plague over the company. I didn't have a good answer. It wasn't because of his awsome work.
I talked to Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcastic Brit, and human resources, and we decided to pull the plug the next day. We would do it nice and early, before too many people show up. (Starting time at the Mecca is typically the crack of noon.) Everything was in place. We arranged for Bill's replacement (Mr. Smarmy) to show up after noon so there would be no confrontation.
That afternoon, Buffalo Bill tried to re-enact the highlights from a Sabres game and hip-checked Mr. Ineffectual into the wall. Perhaps that is what made Mr. ineffectual turn red. Perhaps it was the comment "that was for being an idiot". In either case, it's not a wise thing to do to the boss. Buffalo bill was given his severence that afternoon.
Since the Sarcastic Brit was nominally Bill's manager, he got the enviable job of delivering the pink slip. Apparently, Bill didn't think that the Brit would do it, as his parting words were akin to "Et tu, Brute". Later, Bill sent the Sarcastic Brit an email, stating there were no hard feelings, as he was obviously the sacrificial lamb for the project being late.
Of course, the the good feelings didn't end there. He called up one of our most important vendors and told them that the Mecca was laying people off because they had no money to pay employees or suppliers. Needless to say, the vendor was very happy that Bill had been sacked for being an incompetent dork with a bad attitude.
Will Mr. Smarmy fare any better than Buffalo Bill? We don't know. After we took the wheel barrow to Buffalo Bill's cubicle, and found litterally several thousand sheets with markups, and no way of knowing which had been added to the system, we decided to sort the little pieces of paper (ten man hours later) and deliver them to Mr Smarmy for vetting. We haven't seen him since.
I have learned this: The Mecca is not a safe place for mechanical designers.
Showing posts with label the accountant that does the SOX compliance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the accountant that does the SOX compliance. Show all posts
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Screen Fairy Has Arrived
First off, for my regular readers, I must apologize yet again for taking a brief hiatus from writing. The impotent situation at the Mecca has forced me to seek an outlet. I have been conquering the world, playing a very old version of Sid Meyer's Civilization - possibly one of the best computer games ever conceived. Perhaps I should start referring to Swiper as "Oh most untrustworthy leader of the infidels." I guess that could be taken a less than a compliment.
Anyway, on to today's fun and games.
The conference room at the Mecca has the usual crap - the polycon conference phone that hisses madly (even when not in use) whenever it is in the presence of a cell phone. (Please turn your phones off before entering the meeting room.) A projector that isn't bright enough to be seen except at night, during a lunar eclipse that occurs during a complete failure of all street lights, and of course - the screen from hell.
When the contractors installed the screen two years ago, they made two mistakes. First, they did not mount it in centre of the wall (directly across from the middle of the conference table), and they mounted it upside down. The end result of this quality work was that the screen wouldn't stay down and the projector gave a very nice trapezoidal image when it was placed in the middle of the conference table.
At the time the thing was mounted, the Sarcastic Brit mentioned to the CFO that perhaps he should call the contractors back in to fix it. He did not, and we have lived with it for two years. Why fix the problem? Trapezoids are interesting and will add spice to any presentation. As for the screen not staying down - we are the Biotech Mecca. Anything is possible for us. Hey... that router plugged in directly below the screen - if we just tie this Ethernet cable in a knot, we can loop it around the router plug, and the screen will stay down. Except of course, when it unplugs the router. Ce n'est pas un problème!
Today, the Dragon Lady approached me and practically begged me to fix the screen. Apparently the quality installation caught the eye of several of the board members. They pointed out that our screen installation gave the suggestion that we were either incapable of fixing the problem, or didn't care about fixing the problem. Of course, they probably should have been more focused on the fact that the company is going down the crapper, but it would seem that the correct mounting of the screen is critical to the success of the company. Of course they probably wouldn't have noticed it, had the account who does our SOX compliance not rushed into the conference room and put the screen up (in front of half of the board members) in order to prevent them from seeing how badly the thing was mounted. Then again, they have all seen that screen many times, so I'm not sure why he was so worried about it this time.
Not wanting to upset the Dragon Lady, I headed into the conference room this afternoon to fix it. The accountant who does our SOX compliance was right there. You need help - I will tell Jar Jar to do this tomorrow. First of all, why would HE tell Jar Jar to do it, seeing as Jar Jar supposedly reports to me. (Of course I told my boss that I refused to manage such a collosal waste of space...) Second of all, I am sure that there are laws against people like Jar Jar hanging heavy objects above head height.
So, I went into the lab to find mounting hardware. We used to have a bunch of screws and stuff, but alas it was small enough to fit in somebody's pocket, so all of the useful hardware grew feet and walked away. I did find some quarter inch butterfly style wall anchors though, but the heads of the bolts were collosal and didn't fit. I took my treasures back to the conference room and set to work.
I managed to get the hangers over the bolt heads (barely) when the Sarcastic Brit came in and suggested that agressive pulling on the screen would likely result in sombody getting a projector on the head. Certainly that would be expected of Jar Jar, but I should probably do better myself. Then again, perhaps the thing would fall and take out two or three lying weasels. Maybe it would even take out Swiper. Too good to be true. I considered the use of Duct Tape, and decided that although my inner Candian approved, it wasn't the way things were done in Silicon Valley. Instead, I fastened the screen in place with cable ties. They are rated for 50 pounds. I figure that anybody who pulls on the screen with more than 100 pounds of force is BEGGING to have a screen split their skull. I wonder if there is a way to get Swiper to test it.
The long and short of the situation: My time is better spent fixing the projector screen than solving the issues with the company's technology. After all, how can you get any work done with those damn distracting Ethernet cables spoiling your presentations? And yes... I did mount the centre of the screen directly across from the centre of the table.
Anyway, on to today's fun and games.
The conference room at the Mecca has the usual crap - the polycon conference phone that hisses madly (even when not in use) whenever it is in the presence of a cell phone. (Please turn your phones off before entering the meeting room.) A projector that isn't bright enough to be seen except at night, during a lunar eclipse that occurs during a complete failure of all street lights, and of course - the screen from hell.
When the contractors installed the screen two years ago, they made two mistakes. First, they did not mount it in centre of the wall (directly across from the middle of the conference table), and they mounted it upside down. The end result of this quality work was that the screen wouldn't stay down and the projector gave a very nice trapezoidal image when it was placed in the middle of the conference table.
At the time the thing was mounted, the Sarcastic Brit mentioned to the CFO that perhaps he should call the contractors back in to fix it. He did not, and we have lived with it for two years. Why fix the problem? Trapezoids are interesting and will add spice to any presentation. As for the screen not staying down - we are the Biotech Mecca. Anything is possible for us. Hey... that router plugged in directly below the screen - if we just tie this Ethernet cable in a knot, we can loop it around the router plug, and the screen will stay down. Except of course, when it unplugs the router. Ce n'est pas un problème!
Today, the Dragon Lady approached me and practically begged me to fix the screen. Apparently the quality installation caught the eye of several of the board members. They pointed out that our screen installation gave the suggestion that we were either incapable of fixing the problem, or didn't care about fixing the problem. Of course, they probably should have been more focused on the fact that the company is going down the crapper, but it would seem that the correct mounting of the screen is critical to the success of the company. Of course they probably wouldn't have noticed it, had the account who does our SOX compliance not rushed into the conference room and put the screen up (in front of half of the board members) in order to prevent them from seeing how badly the thing was mounted. Then again, they have all seen that screen many times, so I'm not sure why he was so worried about it this time.
Not wanting to upset the Dragon Lady, I headed into the conference room this afternoon to fix it. The accountant who does our SOX compliance was right there. You need help - I will tell Jar Jar to do this tomorrow. First of all, why would HE tell Jar Jar to do it, seeing as Jar Jar supposedly reports to me. (Of course I told my boss that I refused to manage such a collosal waste of space...) Second of all, I am sure that there are laws against people like Jar Jar hanging heavy objects above head height.
So, I went into the lab to find mounting hardware. We used to have a bunch of screws and stuff, but alas it was small enough to fit in somebody's pocket, so all of the useful hardware grew feet and walked away. I did find some quarter inch butterfly style wall anchors though, but the heads of the bolts were collosal and didn't fit. I took my treasures back to the conference room and set to work.
I managed to get the hangers over the bolt heads (barely) when the Sarcastic Brit came in and suggested that agressive pulling on the screen would likely result in sombody getting a projector on the head. Certainly that would be expected of Jar Jar, but I should probably do better myself. Then again, perhaps the thing would fall and take out two or three lying weasels. Maybe it would even take out Swiper. Too good to be true. I considered the use of Duct Tape, and decided that although my inner Candian approved, it wasn't the way things were done in Silicon Valley. Instead, I fastened the screen in place with cable ties. They are rated for 50 pounds. I figure that anybody who pulls on the screen with more than 100 pounds of force is BEGGING to have a screen split their skull. I wonder if there is a way to get Swiper to test it.
The long and short of the situation: My time is better spent fixing the projector screen than solving the issues with the company's technology. After all, how can you get any work done with those damn distracting Ethernet cables spoiling your presentations? And yes... I did mount the centre of the screen directly across from the centre of the table.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A typical day at the Ranch
My original thought with this blog was to post the story in chronological order. I have decided to break the rules on the first day. The reason for this flagrant disregard of my own rules is simply due to my own inability to remember things in sufficient detail. The unfortunate thing about forgetting things is the stuff that I would make up would be less entertaining than what really happens.
The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.
From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]
I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.
Cheers,
[Harbinger of Doom]
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.
From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]
[Harbinger of Doom],
I received some reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]. There is a [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC] sticker with the samples. What is the purpose of these samples?
[Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
From: [Harbinger of Doom]
To: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss];[Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tue Aug 18 18:14:11 2009
Subject: FW: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
[Ineffectual Boss],
I have five questions:
- Why is [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] working on chip QC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]?
- Who gave [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] the samples?
- What are the samples?
- Why was I not told that this was happening?
- Who gets to tell [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that we are so disorganized that we gave him samples from a competing vendor, and that the engineering team had no idea that it was happening?
I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.
Cheers,
[Harbinger of Doom]
From: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 10:03 PM
To: [Habinger of Doom]; [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: Re: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
What is going on?
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 9:36 AM
To: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
I have no idea what [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] is giving to, nor communicating to, [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]. What are the goals of his trip?
I am not aware of any engineering discussions that he needs to be involved with.
-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 11:13 AM
To: [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
[the accountant that does the SOX compliance] ,
What is the source of these chips, and why are you having technical discussions with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]? From what I heard, you gave [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] labeled reject chips from [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC], our primary chip vendor. If that is the case, it is obviously bad business practice to expose the identity of the competing vendor, as well as give their samples to the second source. [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] is already well aware of the specifications and the quality improvements that they need to demonstrate.
Please do not free-lance on technical issues. In this case, [Harbinger of Doom] is the POC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] and will handle all technical communications.
-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
| Sent: | Wednesday, August 19, 2009 4:48 PM |
| To: | |
| Cc: | [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund] |
I never have any technical issue with the china chip, and never talk to him about china, I brought the [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] chip , so they can see what was wrong with the chip that was rejected by [the former head of Engineering that was sacked for being too honest and competent], that was all
One final note on this topic, the accountant that does the Sorbanes Oxley compliance doesn't actually do any of the work. The accounting is done by a consultant and the filings were done by the receptionist. Until she got sacked for being unable to answer the phone. What does the accountant who is supposed to be doing the SOX compliance do? Good question. He spends a lot of time lurking in dark rooms talking on his cell phone in spanish. It has become a common game to enter the room he's in, turn on the lights and count the number of seconds it takes him to scuttle away like a cockroach.
But... more on that later.
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