First off, for my regular readers, I must apologize yet again for taking a brief hiatus from writing. The impotent situation at the Mecca has forced me to seek an outlet. I have been conquering the world, playing a very old version of Sid Meyer's Civilization - possibly one of the best computer games ever conceived. Perhaps I should start referring to Swiper as "Oh most untrustworthy leader of the infidels." I guess that could be taken a less than a compliment.
Anyway, on to today's fun and games.
The conference room at the Mecca has the usual crap - the polycon conference phone that hisses madly (even when not in use) whenever it is in the presence of a cell phone. (Please turn your phones off before entering the meeting room.) A projector that isn't bright enough to be seen except at night, during a lunar eclipse that occurs during a complete failure of all street lights, and of course - the screen from hell.
When the contractors installed the screen two years ago, they made two mistakes. First, they did not mount it in centre of the wall (directly across from the middle of the conference table), and they mounted it upside down. The end result of this quality work was that the screen wouldn't stay down and the projector gave a very nice trapezoidal image when it was placed in the middle of the conference table.
At the time the thing was mounted, the Sarcastic Brit mentioned to the CFO that perhaps he should call the contractors back in to fix it. He did not, and we have lived with it for two years. Why fix the problem? Trapezoids are interesting and will add spice to any presentation. As for the screen not staying down - we are the Biotech Mecca. Anything is possible for us. Hey... that router plugged in directly below the screen - if we just tie this Ethernet cable in a knot, we can loop it around the router plug, and the screen will stay down. Except of course, when it unplugs the router. Ce n'est pas un problème!
Today, the Dragon Lady approached me and practically begged me to fix the screen. Apparently the quality installation caught the eye of several of the board members. They pointed out that our screen installation gave the suggestion that we were either incapable of fixing the problem, or didn't care about fixing the problem. Of course, they probably should have been more focused on the fact that the company is going down the crapper, but it would seem that the correct mounting of the screen is critical to the success of the company. Of course they probably wouldn't have noticed it, had the account who does our SOX compliance not rushed into the conference room and put the screen up (in front of half of the board members) in order to prevent them from seeing how badly the thing was mounted. Then again, they have all seen that screen many times, so I'm not sure why he was so worried about it this time.
Not wanting to upset the Dragon Lady, I headed into the conference room this afternoon to fix it. The accountant who does our SOX compliance was right there. You need help - I will tell Jar Jar to do this tomorrow. First of all, why would HE tell Jar Jar to do it, seeing as Jar Jar supposedly reports to me. (Of course I told my boss that I refused to manage such a collosal waste of space...) Second of all, I am sure that there are laws against people like Jar Jar hanging heavy objects above head height.
So, I went into the lab to find mounting hardware. We used to have a bunch of screws and stuff, but alas it was small enough to fit in somebody's pocket, so all of the useful hardware grew feet and walked away. I did find some quarter inch butterfly style wall anchors though, but the heads of the bolts were collosal and didn't fit. I took my treasures back to the conference room and set to work.
I managed to get the hangers over the bolt heads (barely) when the Sarcastic Brit came in and suggested that agressive pulling on the screen would likely result in sombody getting a projector on the head. Certainly that would be expected of Jar Jar, but I should probably do better myself. Then again, perhaps the thing would fall and take out two or three lying weasels. Maybe it would even take out Swiper. Too good to be true. I considered the use of Duct Tape, and decided that although my inner Candian approved, it wasn't the way things were done in Silicon Valley. Instead, I fastened the screen in place with cable ties. They are rated for 50 pounds. I figure that anybody who pulls on the screen with more than 100 pounds of force is BEGGING to have a screen split their skull. I wonder if there is a way to get Swiper to test it.
The long and short of the situation: My time is better spent fixing the projector screen than solving the issues with the company's technology. After all, how can you get any work done with those damn distracting Ethernet cables spoiling your presentations? And yes... I did mount the centre of the screen directly across from the centre of the table.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts?
I had an interesting conversation last week with the Mecca's single largest investor. The Evil Wall Street Analyst (EWA). My first encounter with EWA was about six months ago. He had been working for an investment firm in New York as their biotech analyst, and had somehow gotten in touch with one of the Mecca's other investors (who is an anti-biotech analyst) and was convinced that the Mecca's product was the next best thing since sliced bread.
Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.
Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.
He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:
EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.
At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.
After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.
Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.
Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.
He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:
EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.
At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.
After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Team Building Exercises
I have many things that I could write about tonight. I want to tell the story of the Mad Man from Down South, but I'm not sure where to begin. Perhaps I will save that story for later and tell you about the inspirational company meeting we had today.
First, I want to tell you about the core values of the Biotech Mecca. These values were discussed in a company wide waste of time - er... I mean meeting. In addition, each of us were given a laminated wallet card, and posters were hung up around the Mecca.
Core Values
Strong mutual trust in each other
Open communications
Be very goal/results oriented
Value and respect people
Work hard and have fun
To summarize: Be excellent to each other. And, party on... DUDE!
Of course, Swiper missed the critical sixth core value: Just ship it.
Notice also, that honesty and integrity are not among the core values. Perhaps this is because we are expected to be sheep. It is certainly not because Swiper would never dream of being dishonest himself.
This morning we had a "mandatory company wide meeting". Swiper started to drone on about how this was his fifth company that he has built up, and at all of his other companies, there had been a sense of excitement. The employees at his previous companies were good little workers and worked lots of extra hours. They were really excited about their work, and there was a pervasive sense of ownership. The "inspirational talk" didn't threaten us with certain doom should we fail, nor did it promise us riches beyond our wildest dreams should we succeed. Like our flagship product, it did nothing particularly useful. He told us that we should be excited to be among the first employees of what was most certainly going to be a company with several hundred people. To what end? After such a weak pep talk, could things have gotten worse? You bet! Let's open up the floor to questions. Imagine the worst type of political town hall meeting, where you know that all of the questions are staged.
The Slimy Indian Barbapapa told us how we were on the cusp of being bought out (and presumably all being made rich). I have some swampland in Florida too.
Jaba told us that we had such great collaborators that all we had to do was give them a product. Which we can't get to work...
The scared COO told us how well placed we are in the marketplace... that people were seeking us out to use our technology. Which we can't get to work...
Too bad nearly every employee in the company fits one of three categories
- Pissed off beyond redemption
- Lazy, lying, trouble making backstabbers
- Simply clueless.
It's no wonder there is no sense of excitement and ownership. Group A spends their time avoiding group B for fear of being stabbed in the back, and group C because they are unpredictable, hence probably even more dangerous.
If one were to poll the engineering team at the Mecca, one would find that well over half of the group would answer the question "Why do you work here?" with "I haven't found a better (ANY other) job yet.
Swiper could have used the opportunity to single out people who had just worked very hard to deliver on a recent project for which the schedule was very tight. He could not do that, however, as I was leading that project, and my enemies are too powerful.
How was I thanked for delivering an alpha prototype of something that I was told meant the life or death of the company? I got promoted the position of glorified assembly technician. Am I surprised? No. My boss didn't want my management duties to take away from my concentration on turning three screws and passing the set.
All in all, it was an inspiration day at the Mecca.
Tomorrow should be even better. Myself, the Sarcastic Brit, the fearful COO, and Human Resources are getting together to discuss the degeneration of Buffalo Bill's attitude. He left a paper on the Sarcastic Brit's desk entitled "How I am getting screwed by the Biotech Mecca". Enough said? Buffalo Bill is perhaps the only person at the Mecca that openly makes my attitude look good.
I'll keep you posted.
First, I want to tell you about the core values of the Biotech Mecca. These values were discussed in a company wide waste of time - er... I mean meeting. In addition, each of us were given a laminated wallet card, and posters were hung up around the Mecca.
Core Values
Strong mutual trust in each other
Open communications
Be very goal/results oriented
Value and respect people
Work hard and have fun
To summarize: Be excellent to each other. And, party on... DUDE!
Of course, Swiper missed the critical sixth core value: Just ship it.
Notice also, that honesty and integrity are not among the core values. Perhaps this is because we are expected to be sheep. It is certainly not because Swiper would never dream of being dishonest himself.
This morning we had a "mandatory company wide meeting". Swiper started to drone on about how this was his fifth company that he has built up, and at all of his other companies, there had been a sense of excitement. The employees at his previous companies were good little workers and worked lots of extra hours. They were really excited about their work, and there was a pervasive sense of ownership. The "inspirational talk" didn't threaten us with certain doom should we fail, nor did it promise us riches beyond our wildest dreams should we succeed. Like our flagship product, it did nothing particularly useful. He told us that we should be excited to be among the first employees of what was most certainly going to be a company with several hundred people. To what end? After such a weak pep talk, could things have gotten worse? You bet! Let's open up the floor to questions. Imagine the worst type of political town hall meeting, where you know that all of the questions are staged.
The Slimy Indian Barbapapa told us how we were on the cusp of being bought out (and presumably all being made rich). I have some swampland in Florida too.
Jaba told us that we had such great collaborators that all we had to do was give them a product. Which we can't get to work...
The scared COO told us how well placed we are in the marketplace... that people were seeking us out to use our technology. Which we can't get to work...
Too bad nearly every employee in the company fits one of three categories
- Pissed off beyond redemption
- Lazy, lying, trouble making backstabbers
- Simply clueless.
It's no wonder there is no sense of excitement and ownership. Group A spends their time avoiding group B for fear of being stabbed in the back, and group C because they are unpredictable, hence probably even more dangerous.
If one were to poll the engineering team at the Mecca, one would find that well over half of the group would answer the question "Why do you work here?" with "I haven't found a better (ANY other) job yet.
Swiper could have used the opportunity to single out people who had just worked very hard to deliver on a recent project for which the schedule was very tight. He could not do that, however, as I was leading that project, and my enemies are too powerful.
How was I thanked for delivering an alpha prototype of something that I was told meant the life or death of the company? I got promoted the position of glorified assembly technician. Am I surprised? No. My boss didn't want my management duties to take away from my concentration on turning three screws and passing the set.
All in all, it was an inspiration day at the Mecca.
Tomorrow should be even better. Myself, the Sarcastic Brit, the fearful COO, and Human Resources are getting together to discuss the degeneration of Buffalo Bill's attitude. He left a paper on the Sarcastic Brit's desk entitled "How I am getting screwed by the Biotech Mecca". Enough said? Buffalo Bill is perhaps the only person at the Mecca that openly makes my attitude look good.
I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Captain Fantastic and the Amazing Dew Point Controller
I don't have any extra special new material tonight, except for my unofficial promotion to instrument assembly tech - watch out Jar Jar! I thought that I would go back to my tales of Captain Fantastic. Tonight, I will explore the tale of the dew point control system.
Early in my time at the Biotech Mecca, the Captain had chosen a dispenser to put the samples into the sample holders. Given the fact that the sample is a very small amount of liquid, and the holder has a whole lot of tiny holes, this is not a trivial feat. The Captain knew what he wanted and bought two of them with confidence. That's a quarter of a million dollars spent without any real qualification to see if it would work. In fact, after two or three man years of effort, we determined that the technology was not suitable, and it was a dumb idea that should have never gotten off of the ground. The crappy design of the dispenser itself isn't what I want to talk about though.
The Captain was charged with finding a way to deal with the fact that it took so long to dispense the whopping 1/2ml of liquid (in 5 million individual drops) that the first wells were completely dried out before the last wells were even dispensed. There is a technique for dealing with this that is well known. If you balance the sample temperature and humidity, you can keep the water from evaporating. Most companies include a dew point controller. The people who made this device thought that keeping the sample hydrated was a dumb idea and did neither. We would have to add that capability to the dispenser. Captain Fantastic, however didn't want to void the warranty by adding water. Apparently, adding a thermoelectric cooler and control electronics, a PLC, some wiring, and a new sample stage would have no effect on the warranty.
The first step was to find a PLC. The only requirements were that it had to be able to interpret the data from the humidity sensor and, if possible, fit in the already full dispenser chassis. Never one to miss the critical requirements, Captain Fantastic found a PLC that fit into the chassis. Apparently, the fact that the sensor response was logarithmic, and the PLC had no log function did not matter.
The Captain contracted his favorite consultant to write the code. Unfortunately, Smee had no idea how to program the PLC. So, she hired a consultant to do the programming for her. Unfortunately, the consultant couldn't figure out how to get the communications to the thermoelectric controller to work, so he hired another consultant to do that work for him. So... the Captain hired a consultant, who hired a consultant, who hired a consultant. This seemed a bit odd to me, but he assured me that it was "the Silicon Valley Way."
And then, there was the hardware. For several weeks the Captain had the mechanical designer (Buffalo Bill's predecessor - and successor) design parts and have them made overnight, only to find that they still didn't fit the next day, and repeat the cycle. Our best machine shops will occasionally do us a favor and turn parts around in a couple of days. I wouldn't dream of asking a shop to turn multiple pieces around over night. I would be even less inclined to go back to them the next day and admit that I screwed up and asked for something that was just wrong. And, can you please forsake your family again tonight to make even more parts that will just be scrapped tomorrow morning anyway. Not so for the Captain. The customer is always right, even when he is a stupid jackass.
Eventually, the modified dispenser was due to ship. This was after I suggested to the electrical engineer that the reason why he kept blowing up thermoelectric coolers was because he was running a 12V part at 24V. Apparently, the Captain didn't read the package before handing the specs to the electrical engineer. Who would have figured.
We shipped out the dispenser (to a test sight on the other side of the continent), and the Mad Man from Down South was sent to install it. I guess he drew the short straw. He took some very lovely pictures of the device with things sticking up at funny angles. He commented on how the thing was put together and was stunned that it had worked at all. The Captain was very quick to site "tampering". Really? The VP of engineering went to our first alpha site and screwed with the device? What had he to gain? I don't know, but Captain Fantastic stuck to his guns.
When the Mad Man from Down South came back armed with pictures and props, the story changed. Then, it was blamed on "high frequency vibrations during shipping that vibrated all of the pieces apart". Really? I don't think that I will ever fly again. What keeps all of the bolts from falling out of the plane? Apparently, it's very common. I must admit that I have never hear of such a thing, and I coordinated service for what was possibly the world's most (strike that... second most) ill conceived device. Those things failed in may ways, but they never once failed because the bolts fell out during air travel. I have heard however, that the change in pressure during the flight can screw up pressure sensors. I find that one only slightly more plausible.
After several weeks of the Captain ordering more parts overnight and visiting the customer site himself (on a one-way ticket), the dew point control system kind of worked. Not that it mattered, the dispenser was unable to successfully put the liquid in the holes anyway.
The Mad Man called Captain fantastic a liar. This hurt the Captain's feelings. Nothing hurts like the truth... so they say.
Early in my time at the Biotech Mecca, the Captain had chosen a dispenser to put the samples into the sample holders. Given the fact that the sample is a very small amount of liquid, and the holder has a whole lot of tiny holes, this is not a trivial feat. The Captain knew what he wanted and bought two of them with confidence. That's a quarter of a million dollars spent without any real qualification to see if it would work. In fact, after two or three man years of effort, we determined that the technology was not suitable, and it was a dumb idea that should have never gotten off of the ground. The crappy design of the dispenser itself isn't what I want to talk about though.
The Captain was charged with finding a way to deal with the fact that it took so long to dispense the whopping 1/2ml of liquid (in 5 million individual drops) that the first wells were completely dried out before the last wells were even dispensed. There is a technique for dealing with this that is well known. If you balance the sample temperature and humidity, you can keep the water from evaporating. Most companies include a dew point controller. The people who made this device thought that keeping the sample hydrated was a dumb idea and did neither. We would have to add that capability to the dispenser. Captain Fantastic, however didn't want to void the warranty by adding water. Apparently, adding a thermoelectric cooler and control electronics, a PLC, some wiring, and a new sample stage would have no effect on the warranty.
The first step was to find a PLC. The only requirements were that it had to be able to interpret the data from the humidity sensor and, if possible, fit in the already full dispenser chassis. Never one to miss the critical requirements, Captain Fantastic found a PLC that fit into the chassis. Apparently, the fact that the sensor response was logarithmic, and the PLC had no log function did not matter.
The Captain contracted his favorite consultant to write the code. Unfortunately, Smee had no idea how to program the PLC. So, she hired a consultant to do the programming for her. Unfortunately, the consultant couldn't figure out how to get the communications to the thermoelectric controller to work, so he hired another consultant to do that work for him. So... the Captain hired a consultant, who hired a consultant, who hired a consultant. This seemed a bit odd to me, but he assured me that it was "the Silicon Valley Way."
And then, there was the hardware. For several weeks the Captain had the mechanical designer (Buffalo Bill's predecessor - and successor) design parts and have them made overnight, only to find that they still didn't fit the next day, and repeat the cycle. Our best machine shops will occasionally do us a favor and turn parts around in a couple of days. I wouldn't dream of asking a shop to turn multiple pieces around over night. I would be even less inclined to go back to them the next day and admit that I screwed up and asked for something that was just wrong. And, can you please forsake your family again tonight to make even more parts that will just be scrapped tomorrow morning anyway. Not so for the Captain. The customer is always right, even when he is a stupid jackass.
Eventually, the modified dispenser was due to ship. This was after I suggested to the electrical engineer that the reason why he kept blowing up thermoelectric coolers was because he was running a 12V part at 24V. Apparently, the Captain didn't read the package before handing the specs to the electrical engineer. Who would have figured.
We shipped out the dispenser (to a test sight on the other side of the continent), and the Mad Man from Down South was sent to install it. I guess he drew the short straw. He took some very lovely pictures of the device with things sticking up at funny angles. He commented on how the thing was put together and was stunned that it had worked at all. The Captain was very quick to site "tampering". Really? The VP of engineering went to our first alpha site and screwed with the device? What had he to gain? I don't know, but Captain Fantastic stuck to his guns.
When the Mad Man from Down South came back armed with pictures and props, the story changed. Then, it was blamed on "high frequency vibrations during shipping that vibrated all of the pieces apart". Really? I don't think that I will ever fly again. What keeps all of the bolts from falling out of the plane? Apparently, it's very common. I must admit that I have never hear of such a thing, and I coordinated service for what was possibly the world's most (strike that... second most) ill conceived device. Those things failed in may ways, but they never once failed because the bolts fell out during air travel. I have heard however, that the change in pressure during the flight can screw up pressure sensors. I find that one only slightly more plausible.
After several weeks of the Captain ordering more parts overnight and visiting the customer site himself (on a one-way ticket), the dew point control system kind of worked. Not that it mattered, the dispenser was unable to successfully put the liquid in the holes anyway.
The Mad Man called Captain fantastic a liar. This hurt the Captain's feelings. Nothing hurts like the truth... so they say.
Monday, September 28, 2009
The EPA loves you
I think that I have mentioned that Jar Jar originally worked for me. He is however about as useful as ice skates in Arizona, and about as bright as a grub, so I basically told my boss that I wasn't going to bother with him. He was hired a new boss - the sample holder processing consultant. Much like Princess Amidala, she is constantly sticking up for Jar Jar.
Princess Amidala came to me today, and the following exchange took place:
PA: When you were doing the chip processing, how did you get rid of stuff.
Me: Don't tell the EPA, or we will probably all go to jail. The former head of biology told me to set the hexane in a beaker and let it evaporate. The phosphoric acid went down the drain with copious amounts of water, and I saved the chromate, as I don't want to go to jail for dumping it.
PA: You dumped the acid down the drain?
Me: Yep. It was only a few ounces, and phosphoric acid neutralizes to phosphate. It makes the plants grow. As for the chromate, the bottle disappeared. I guess that somebody thought it was OK to dump it.
PA: NO... so you didn't call the waste disposal guys?
Me: No, I was saving it up until we had enough to bother.
PA: Oh. Well it seems that Jar Jar has dumped about two gallons of hexane with about two gallons of concentrated acid.
Me: [loudly groans]
PA: It hasn't exploded yet.
Me: [More groans.] Yet?
Sarcastic Brit: I hear Harbinger making bad sounds. What's up?
Me: Seems that Jar Jar has been mixing the hexane and the acid.
Sarcastic Brit: OK then. That about sums it up. I guess that he didn't figure out that I bought two containers: One for acid and one for solvents.
Me: Apparently not.
PA: It seems that he has been wiping the tables down with hexane as well.
Me: Really? Hasn't anybody told him that hexane fumes are bad.
PA: He's an engineer. Engineers don't know anything about chemicals.
Me: Really? What do chemical engineers do? Besides, he's not an engineer. [Thinking - He's a dust bunny.]
PA: I guess that we will have to call the waste disposal guys to get the acid.
Me: Are you going to tell them about the hexane? You could forget to mention it, but that might make them a bit angry.
PA: I guess that I had better tell them about the hexane.
Princess Amidala came to me today, and the following exchange took place:
PA: When you were doing the chip processing, how did you get rid of stuff.
Me: Don't tell the EPA, or we will probably all go to jail. The former head of biology told me to set the hexane in a beaker and let it evaporate. The phosphoric acid went down the drain with copious amounts of water, and I saved the chromate, as I don't want to go to jail for dumping it.
PA: You dumped the acid down the drain?
Me: Yep. It was only a few ounces, and phosphoric acid neutralizes to phosphate. It makes the plants grow. As for the chromate, the bottle disappeared. I guess that somebody thought it was OK to dump it.
PA: NO... so you didn't call the waste disposal guys?
Me: No, I was saving it up until we had enough to bother.
PA: Oh. Well it seems that Jar Jar has dumped about two gallons of hexane with about two gallons of concentrated acid.
Me: [loudly groans]
PA: It hasn't exploded yet.
Me: [More groans.] Yet?
Sarcastic Brit: I hear Harbinger making bad sounds. What's up?
Me: Seems that Jar Jar has been mixing the hexane and the acid.
Sarcastic Brit: OK then. That about sums it up. I guess that he didn't figure out that I bought two containers: One for acid and one for solvents.
Me: Apparently not.
PA: It seems that he has been wiping the tables down with hexane as well.
Me: Really? Hasn't anybody told him that hexane fumes are bad.
PA: He's an engineer. Engineers don't know anything about chemicals.
Me: Really? What do chemical engineers do? Besides, he's not an engineer. [Thinking - He's a dust bunny.]
PA: I guess that we will have to call the waste disposal guys to get the acid.
Me: Are you going to tell them about the hexane? You could forget to mention it, but that might make them a bit angry.
PA: I guess that I had better tell them about the hexane.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Looking for a few good men
First, I must admit to having a we bit of a narcissistic moment, when I noticed that my hit counter had broken the 200 mark. I don't know who is reading this thing. It may be my wife, trying to boost my ego. Perhaps there are actually that many people who find flaming train wrecks amusing. Perhaps I should get a more sophisticated counter so that I can see who is actually reading. There are not many comments, so it seems that my readers are not overly talkative. Of course, it could be that Swiper has found this blog and all of the hits are the lawyers getting ready to sue me. Don't laugh... If I had something worth taking the jackals would be right there. But enough of that - it has been far too long since I posted anything.
As I have previously lamented, the Biotech Mecca is somewhat heavy with electrical engineers, and bereft of mechanical people. We have had several employees who have either fancied themselves mechanical designers (but have not been), or have been capable but ornery.
At the Mecca, we have been chronically searching for a good mechanical engineer. Mr. Mom pompously said that it needed to be a requirement that we hire somebody who had worked on a successful instrumentation project. This was said when I was sitting in the senior management meeting on account of my boss being absent. My response to that lunacy was "no - the only requirements are that the person be able to design mechanical stuff and that they can get along with the rest of the engineers." I was told that it would be good for the culture. What the hell does that mean? So, I asked that question. "You know, having somebody who knows how to design a product." I will admit that I rose to the bait. "I have worked with many people who were on successful product teams, and you couldn't pay me enough to work with any of them." Thankfully, I didn't have to relate the stories of the amazing Costco and Dr. Fubar from a previous company. I have some material from there too... but that's another story. (Cue the Xylophone and the rodents.)
We all know that a pedigree does not make somebody good, and lack of a pedigree does not make them stink. On the other hand, I would like to think that my 6+ years of university education are worth something. I have also come to recognize that years of experience are also somewhat meaningless. If one is observant and able to learn from their mistakes, experience is a fabulous teacher. Other people... Needless to say, we start with the resumes.
We got five candidates from the head hunter. They seemed alright. We interviewed the first guy - perhaps too much manager and not enough design engineer. Since the last thing the engineering group needs is another manager, we decided to put that guy on the back burner.
The next four candidates had solid resumes - degrees in mechanical engineering, work experience (one had ten years of experience), and a couple even had graduate degrees.
Candidate #2: He asked to be excused from the interview before even talking to me. Probably, he didn't really want the job.
Candidate #3: Somebody Lee. Bruce Lee's long lost Cousin? Perhaps the hand written thank-you card with the Taco Bell coupon was supposed to make up for the fact that he couldn't answer any of our questions. We didn't bother running him through the CAD test. He couldn't answer what we thought were easy questions about mechanical engineering. That's pretty sad, considering the interview was conducted by an electrical engineer, and physicist and a mechanical designer. (Actually, Buffalo Bill is really only competent as a draftsman, but suggesting that to his face would probably make him cry.)
Candidate #4: Cindy Lou Who. She got a couple of our kindergarten questions. We let her do the CAD test. After two hours, she gave us a blank screen.
Candidate #5: Another Lee. Bruce seems to have been busy. This guy was young, but he had a graduate degree, so he's probably smart... right? Why did a series of easy mechanical engineering questions feel like I was giving a first year engineering lecture? Perhaps he was nervous... On to the CAD test. We actually got something from him. It was perhaps the most improbable way one could have done it given the bits that he had to work with. Image giving somebody four wheels, some gears and a car body, and telling them to build a mode of transportation. Then, imagine returning to find that they tried to build a Piano.
OK, so we may not be the most desirable company ever. So maybe we didn't get the headhunter's best candidates. However, I had hoped that we wouldn't get the who's who of Silicon Valley engineering rejects. Wait... We didn't interview Captain Fantastic. I guess that we didn't get ALL of the rejects. I couldn't find the clip that I wanted to describe this set of interviews, but this one is still pretty much dead on..
By the way... the first guy we interviewed - got a job before we offered him one. Apparently, he wasn't holding out to work for the Mecca either.
The Sarcastic Brit did run into a guy in the parking lot that does mechanical engineering on a contract basis. Of course the last guy we pulled in from the parking lot was Jar Jar. This guy can't be worse. When my boss interviewed him, he told the following metaphor: In the engineering world, there are Hyenas and there are Cheetahs. Cheetahs are very specialized. While they are excellent hunters, they often go hungry between meals. Hyenas will eat anything. They never go hungry. The metaphor finished with "I am a Hyena." I hope the Hyena is good, he starts on Monday. He did an excellent interview. He doesn't mind working contract because he intends to quit when it looks like we are running out of work for him. Hmmm... it seems like a match made in heaven. He's willing to eat carrion (of course he may have to fight off the vultures we routinely see circling the Mecca's office), and he realizes that there is no point in sticking around once the work (and/or money) are gone.
Of course, if this guy is good, and doesn't call anybody a Punkass M*otherF^c&er it will be a new experience.
As I have previously lamented, the Biotech Mecca is somewhat heavy with electrical engineers, and bereft of mechanical people. We have had several employees who have either fancied themselves mechanical designers (but have not been), or have been capable but ornery.
At the Mecca, we have been chronically searching for a good mechanical engineer. Mr. Mom pompously said that it needed to be a requirement that we hire somebody who had worked on a successful instrumentation project. This was said when I was sitting in the senior management meeting on account of my boss being absent. My response to that lunacy was "no - the only requirements are that the person be able to design mechanical stuff and that they can get along with the rest of the engineers." I was told that it would be good for the culture. What the hell does that mean? So, I asked that question. "You know, having somebody who knows how to design a product." I will admit that I rose to the bait. "I have worked with many people who were on successful product teams, and you couldn't pay me enough to work with any of them." Thankfully, I didn't have to relate the stories of the amazing Costco and Dr. Fubar from a previous company. I have some material from there too... but that's another story. (Cue the Xylophone and the rodents.)
We all know that a pedigree does not make somebody good, and lack of a pedigree does not make them stink. On the other hand, I would like to think that my 6+ years of university education are worth something. I have also come to recognize that years of experience are also somewhat meaningless. If one is observant and able to learn from their mistakes, experience is a fabulous teacher. Other people... Needless to say, we start with the resumes.
We got five candidates from the head hunter. They seemed alright. We interviewed the first guy - perhaps too much manager and not enough design engineer. Since the last thing the engineering group needs is another manager, we decided to put that guy on the back burner.
The next four candidates had solid resumes - degrees in mechanical engineering, work experience (one had ten years of experience), and a couple even had graduate degrees.
Candidate #2: He asked to be excused from the interview before even talking to me. Probably, he didn't really want the job.
Candidate #3: Somebody Lee. Bruce Lee's long lost Cousin? Perhaps the hand written thank-you card with the Taco Bell coupon was supposed to make up for the fact that he couldn't answer any of our questions. We didn't bother running him through the CAD test. He couldn't answer what we thought were easy questions about mechanical engineering. That's pretty sad, considering the interview was conducted by an electrical engineer, and physicist and a mechanical designer. (Actually, Buffalo Bill is really only competent as a draftsman, but suggesting that to his face would probably make him cry.)
Candidate #4: Cindy Lou Who. She got a couple of our kindergarten questions. We let her do the CAD test. After two hours, she gave us a blank screen.
Candidate #5: Another Lee. Bruce seems to have been busy. This guy was young, but he had a graduate degree, so he's probably smart... right? Why did a series of easy mechanical engineering questions feel like I was giving a first year engineering lecture? Perhaps he was nervous... On to the CAD test. We actually got something from him. It was perhaps the most improbable way one could have done it given the bits that he had to work with. Image giving somebody four wheels, some gears and a car body, and telling them to build a mode of transportation. Then, imagine returning to find that they tried to build a Piano.
OK, so we may not be the most desirable company ever. So maybe we didn't get the headhunter's best candidates. However, I had hoped that we wouldn't get the who's who of Silicon Valley engineering rejects. Wait... We didn't interview Captain Fantastic. I guess that we didn't get ALL of the rejects. I couldn't find the clip that I wanted to describe this set of interviews, but this one is still pretty much dead on..
By the way... the first guy we interviewed - got a job before we offered him one. Apparently, he wasn't holding out to work for the Mecca either.
The Sarcastic Brit did run into a guy in the parking lot that does mechanical engineering on a contract basis. Of course the last guy we pulled in from the parking lot was Jar Jar. This guy can't be worse. When my boss interviewed him, he told the following metaphor: In the engineering world, there are Hyenas and there are Cheetahs. Cheetahs are very specialized. While they are excellent hunters, they often go hungry between meals. Hyenas will eat anything. They never go hungry. The metaphor finished with "I am a Hyena." I hope the Hyena is good, he starts on Monday. He did an excellent interview. He doesn't mind working contract because he intends to quit when it looks like we are running out of work for him. Hmmm... it seems like a match made in heaven. He's willing to eat carrion (of course he may have to fight off the vultures we routinely see circling the Mecca's office), and he realizes that there is no point in sticking around once the work (and/or money) are gone.
Of course, if this guy is good, and doesn't call anybody a Punkass M*otherF^c&er it will be a new experience.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Mr. Mom
The Biotech Mecca is lousy with consultants. Some of these consultants are actually good, but almost universally they are given next to no direction and are allowed to run off in any direction they wish. In even more extreme cases, the consultants tell the senior management how to run the company. Unfortunately, running a company this way tends to provide the worst in seagull management.
One of the most feared (for being annoying) consultants at the Biotech Mecca is Mr Mom. Mr. Mom is a friend of the fearful COO, but is such a sociopath, he immediately became the most trusted confidant of the CEO (Swiper the fox).
The strange thing about Mr. Mom is that he was supposedly super successful, and then decided to stay at home to raise the kids while his wife works. Is he married to Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? Something doesn't add up, but in any case, Mr. Mom is on the senior management team, and like those big, ugly cockroaches, he's here to stay.
The Sarcastic Brit received the following email from a friend of his that works for the competition. This message was in response to the announcement on the Mecca's web site that Mr. Mom had been named to the senior management team.
Hi there,
he's a psychopath. I absolutely cannot stand him. Hopefully he's not
going to manage anyone directly-he's an arrogant bully.
He'll undoubtedly tell everyone how many times he saved his former employer's
arse (most of which I have found out are not true) and he'll claim he
invented the industry standard (which he didn't).
That said, he's really smart, and definitely knows his stuff on the
chemistry front (for instrument/product specifications/opportunities). In
an advisory role, I could see how he might be useful. Maybe.
Perhaps. If you're desperate.
My advice would be to tread very carefully, and avoid him as much as
you can. I'll keep my ears open about jobs in the area-there are
definitely some opptys out there, they're just a bit more scarce
than they have been...
Hope you are well otherwise,
Cheers,
The Sarcastic Brit's Friend
In another email, the Sarcastic Brit's friend offered this analysis:
just saw the news that The Biotech Mecca has recruited Mr. Mom to help advise them... You really are screwed now...
(to be fair, in his rare moments of sanity/sobriety-he does have the occasional lucid thought about how to get products to market)
You may think that the Sarcastic Brit's friend has a personal vendetta against this guy. That may be, but I do not think without reason. I will elaborate in a later post.
Where's that man-eating vacuum when you need it?
One of the most feared (for being annoying) consultants at the Biotech Mecca is Mr Mom. Mr. Mom is a friend of the fearful COO, but is such a sociopath, he immediately became the most trusted confidant of the CEO (Swiper the fox).
The strange thing about Mr. Mom is that he was supposedly super successful, and then decided to stay at home to raise the kids while his wife works. Is he married to Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? Something doesn't add up, but in any case, Mr. Mom is on the senior management team, and like those big, ugly cockroaches, he's here to stay.
The Sarcastic Brit received the following email from a friend of his that works for the competition. This message was in response to the announcement on the Mecca's web site that Mr. Mom had been named to the senior management team.
Hi there,
he's a psychopath. I absolutely cannot stand him. Hopefully he's not
going to manage anyone directly-he's an arrogant bully.
He'll undoubtedly tell everyone how many times he saved his former employer's
arse (most of which I have found out are not true) and he'll claim he
invented the industry standard (which he didn't).
That said, he's really smart, and definitely knows his stuff on the
chemistry front (for instrument/product specifications/opportunities). In
an advisory role, I could see how he might be useful. Maybe.
Perhaps. If you're desperate.
My advice would be to tread very carefully, and avoid him as much as
you can. I'll keep my ears open about jobs in the area-there are
definitely some opptys out there, they're just a bit more scarce
than they have been...
Hope you are well otherwise,
Cheers,
The Sarcastic Brit's Friend
In another email, the Sarcastic Brit's friend offered this analysis:
just saw the news that The Biotech Mecca has recruited Mr. Mom to help advise them... You really are screwed now...
(to be fair, in his rare moments of sanity/sobriety-he does have the occasional lucid thought about how to get products to market)
You may think that the Sarcastic Brit's friend has a personal vendetta against this guy. That may be, but I do not think without reason. I will elaborate in a later post.
Where's that man-eating vacuum when you need it?
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