Zen and the Art of Fluorescence Filter Selection

Greetings loyal readers.

First, let me say that I know little of Zen, and My New, New Boss knows even less about the art of filter selection.

I have been having a hard time getting back into the groove of writing about the Biotech Mecca. Part of the reason is that I have lost the angst. I guess I just need to channel my inner lunatic in order to get on with the posting.

Why have I lost the angst, you may ask. If you are asking, then maybe you have been living under a rock. Free! Free, at last!

Yes, I no longer work at the mecca. What does that mean? It means that I don't come home from work a battered, enraged, vengeful lunatic. (Picture Khan from Star Trek II.)

Now, I was raised to value a hard days work, and I resolved to work hard right up until the end. My final task was to select a set of optimized fluorescence filters. Filter selection is half art, and half science, so I wanted leave things in a state where the project wouldn't tank because I had done a poor job. (I wanted the project to tank because the management is a bunch of lying, incompetent weasels.)

On my last day, I handed my spreadsheets over to MNNB (my new, new boss.) I pointed out that the instrument may have problems getting enough light to give good signals, and that they may want to investigate using a brighter light bulb. And with that final warning, I departed for Avalon.

The following story is retold from the account given by the Sarcastic Brit. He may be somewhat jaded, however. Actually, if I am Khan, I would say that the Sarcastic Brit ranks at least a Hamlet.

Everybody knows that Canadians are slow. (Just ask Captain Fantastic.) If the Harbinger of Doom can pick out filters, MNNB can do it way better. He told the Sarcastic Brit so. He proclaimed that all he had to do was move the blocking bands around and there was plenty of light. He couldn't understand why I had done it the way I did.

So, this is where the science comes in.

Fluorescence works like this: Shine blue light onto the sample. The sample turns the blue light into green light. You need to collect as much of the green light as you can. The problem is: where does blue end and green begin? That is the art. You want the blue light be be as close to green as possible. You want the green light to be as close to blue as possible. If you get too close though, you end up staring into the sun without your sunglasses.

Unfortunately for MNNB, he did not ken the art of filter selection. The end result: $25,000 worth of $h!t on a stick.

I am forced to ask what would cause a supposedly experienced engineer to spend that much money buying something that was designed by a rank amateur? I guess that the only explanation is arrogance. Like my new house? I built it myself. (But, the roof is caving in.) Nonsense, you are just jealous of my architectural prowess.

I'm Back

Greetings patient and not so patient readers.

I realize that it has been a LONG time since my last post. I can only say that I have been very busy plotting the demise of the Biotech Mecca.

Anyway, I have a little bit of email regarding an article in a trade rag. It made me laugh, so I've been meaning to share. The email that is - not the trade rag. It would be quite a feat to make that funny.

The Sarcastic Brit:
validation of the Blockhead's method.
Fucking brilliant. I should make a paper aeroplane of it and throw it to the consultants in the next meeting.

The Blockhead:
You flatter me too much…

I wasn’t the one that come up with it in the first place. Papers about it had been published before I even knew what PCR was. My main contribution was realizing its value and choosing it over other approaches.

The Consultant has been involved in some other curve fitting approaches. He is pretty knowledgeable about all of this; his name is even on a patent.

The Other Consultant, on the other hand, seemed to be stubbornly stuck in the 90’s. At least until the ‘shootout’ a few months ago, when his method performed miserably. I must admit to a profound sense of satisfaction at the time. After all, he had gone out of his way to badmouth my approach before, without any evidence to back it up.

The Sarcastic Brit:
Oh yes, he of the fantastic optical design skills.
ah, a perfect fit for the Mecca. He is a consultant so he must be good!

The Blockhead:
Apparently, the most important aspect of being a successful consultant is a vastly inflated sense of self-worth.

Everything else falls into place…

The Sarcastic Brit:
So how come you are a consultant then?
:-)

The Blockhead:
Well, I have been agonizing over this very question for a long time…