Zen and the Art of Fluorescence Filter Selection

Greetings loyal readers.

First, let me say that I know little of Zen, and My New, New Boss knows even less about the art of filter selection.

I have been having a hard time getting back into the groove of writing about the Biotech Mecca. Part of the reason is that I have lost the angst. I guess I just need to channel my inner lunatic in order to get on with the posting.

Why have I lost the angst, you may ask. If you are asking, then maybe you have been living under a rock. Free! Free, at last!

Yes, I no longer work at the mecca. What does that mean? It means that I don't come home from work a battered, enraged, vengeful lunatic. (Picture Khan from Star Trek II.)

Now, I was raised to value a hard days work, and I resolved to work hard right up until the end. My final task was to select a set of optimized fluorescence filters. Filter selection is half art, and half science, so I wanted leave things in a state where the project wouldn't tank because I had done a poor job. (I wanted the project to tank because the management is a bunch of lying, incompetent weasels.)

On my last day, I handed my spreadsheets over to MNNB (my new, new boss.) I pointed out that the instrument may have problems getting enough light to give good signals, and that they may want to investigate using a brighter light bulb. And with that final warning, I departed for Avalon.

The following story is retold from the account given by the Sarcastic Brit. He may be somewhat jaded, however. Actually, if I am Khan, I would say that the Sarcastic Brit ranks at least a Hamlet.

Everybody knows that Canadians are slow. (Just ask Captain Fantastic.) If the Harbinger of Doom can pick out filters, MNNB can do it way better. He told the Sarcastic Brit so. He proclaimed that all he had to do was move the blocking bands around and there was plenty of light. He couldn't understand why I had done it the way I did.

So, this is where the science comes in.

Fluorescence works like this: Shine blue light onto the sample. The sample turns the blue light into green light. You need to collect as much of the green light as you can. The problem is: where does blue end and green begin? That is the art. You want the blue light be be as close to green as possible. You want the green light to be as close to blue as possible. If you get too close though, you end up staring into the sun without your sunglasses.

Unfortunately for MNNB, he did not ken the art of filter selection. The end result: $25,000 worth of $h!t on a stick.

I am forced to ask what would cause a supposedly experienced engineer to spend that much money buying something that was designed by a rank amateur? I guess that the only explanation is arrogance. Like my new house? I built it myself. (But, the roof is caving in.) Nonsense, you are just jealous of my architectural prowess.

Garfield

Greetings patient readers.

Since this is Friday, I will keep the post short. It seems that Jaba has been trying to hire himself some competent people. So... he hired an intern. That seems to be a term they use here in Silicon Valley for somebody with a degree (who may even be competent), but no work experience, and hence should expect to be treated like crap. Anyway, they hired this intern and immediately placed her under the tender loving care of the Chihuahua. Please check previous posts if you forget. (I only wish that I could.)

The intern seems kind of cat-like to me. She has the same all knowing, self assured attitude of a cat that is quizzically watching you as you do something stupid. Looking at you as if to say "What are you thinking? You know that I could do better, if I could be bothered". Needless to say, Garfield immediately gravitated toward the Sarcastic Brit, and uses his office to hide from her "boss".

This is a typical discussion:

Harbinger: Why do your co-workers ask me to fix things that are not broken?
Garfield: Because they have no clue. They are biologists, after all.
Harbinger: Biologist is not synonymous with incompetent.
Garfield: Really?
Harbinger: One of my friends is a "biologist". His hobby is building torsion catapults that hurl ten pound pumpkins the better part of a mile.
Garfield: That's nice. He obviously doesn't work at the Mecca.

Of course, I'm not so sure about this one. Garfield has another job offer. When she went to Jaba to see what he would do to try to match it, he offered her a chance to work more closely with the Sarcastic Brit and I. Apparently, we are being used as bait. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I told Garfield not to fall for it... run while you can. She was at work today.

P.T. Barnum wins another round.

Only the best at the Mecca

I went in to work on Saturday morning. I know this sounds odd, seeing as how highly appreciated I feel most of the time. In fact, I didn't go in to do work. I went in to pick up some crap that I had forgotten in my office on Friday night, and to spend some time peacefully working on a presentation. (It just happens that the presentation was part of a job interview to go work for the competition. But that, as they say, is another story.)

So... armed with my shiny new RFID card, I approached the front door and swiped the card. The little light went green, and the door went click. In I went.

I had no more than entered the building when I was confronted by the alarm panel, sitting there, beeping at me to remind me that I had to feed it a code to disable the alarm.

Too bad they had given out the key cards and not bothered to give out the codes. Apparently, the used car salesman that passes for the head of finance had a spreadsheet of codes, and couldn't figure out how to send everybody their code without revealing it to the rest of the company. The solution is obviously to not send ANYBODY their code.

That's ok, I thought, I will just call the security company and tell them who I am before they call the cops. Oh right, nobody sent the info out for the alarm company either.

So... I looked at the card, ignored the alarm, and walked to my desk to look them up on the web. The alarm company's name was on the card after all.

I called the alarm company and gave them my name. Of course, I noticed that it was PRINTED ON THE CARD as well. I was surprised that they didn't put the the Mecca's address on the card for added convenience.

So, they asked me who I worked for. The Mecca didn't ring any bells. They asked me for the address. I gave it to them. Apparently, they didn't have any clients at that address. I tried the company name again. Oh... there it is. And you are? I read them my name as printed on my oh so secure security card. They gave me my code.

Fantastic. And then I laughed at them, told them that I found the card in the parking lot and would leave a nice note behind after I took all of the Mecca's stuff. Har!

I'm Back... for now

Good Evening. So much to say...

The top items for the week are:

Our security company doesn't know where our office is.
The US Postal Service doesn't know where our address is, but the mail man does, so he's looking out for us. You've gotta love the US postal service.
The fire department knows where we are. Apparently the new security system asked them to bring out the hook and ladder.
MNB: See, I didn't even threaten to fire you today.
MNB: I can't believe that he's [Swiper] run two companies. His expectations are totally unreasonable. You can't run a company on wishes.
MNB: You need to remember the rule of three. For each day vacation you want, you need to give me three business days notice. I need to be able to plan. I only have one Harbinger and one Sarcastic Brit. [I should have responded: And I bet even that's too many.]
You may have also heard that the COO needs her beauty rest.

Now... on with the show.

MNB had to have more consultants come in to tell us that we didn't know what we are doing. He actually hired some good consultants this time, and apparently the worst things they could find were that I was too defensive, and that the Sarcastic Brit was too arrogant.

Needless to say, MNB decided that he needed to take the Sarcastic Brit and I to task for it. I believe his exact words were "If you don't clean up your attitude, I will have to ask you to leave the organization." My response was to ask him why he keeps threatening to fire me, and noting the correlation between his threats and my defensiveness. He was confused. Apparently, asking me to leave the organization is not the same as firing me.

The next day, MNB asked me to come into Swiper's office, and handed me a bunch of shares as a reward for good work in helping to make the first commercial shipments happen. Of course, they have a one year vesting period. Maybe the Mecca will still be around in a year. Maybe MNB won't have made good on his threats. Oh well, I can always use free toilet paper. I do not know if the Sarcastic Brit got the same thing. If he didn't it would have been a crime. (He too appreciates a good -that would be free - roll of TP every now and then.) If he's reading now... I was told not to tell anybody... even my best friend. I don't remember any mention of Sarcastic Brits in there though. Nothing like a reward that's not made public. Makes me feel ashamed for doing a good job.

"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

This week, when the Sarcastic Brit had his one on one meeting with MNB, what I like to call "the weekly whipping", MNB told him that he could be "the most evil manager ever." What would possess somebody to say that type of thing to an employee? Can you say harassment? Of course, I was ready for my weekly whipping, which occurs one day later. I was going to point out that the only power he had over me was firing me. I didn't get my chance.

Unfortunately, MNB worked really hard at being civil during my whipping. He asked me if I was having a problem with anybody. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean. Perhaps I have made some new enemies that I don't know about. If so, it's news to me. He finished the meeting by noting that he didn't even threaten to fire me, and then accused me of giving him a complex. Funny, he keeps threatening to fire me. And HE's the one developing the complex?

Scary how easy it was to find this blog when searching for the "Sleep well Wesley" quote. It came up number 4. Perhaps I should make it unsearchable by Google. I hope that Swiper and MNB are not Princess Bride fans!

Where do they find these guys?

First of all, I want to apologize for not writing much lately. Things have been very busy at the mecca, what with all of the time that MNB has spent telling the Sarcastic Brit and I that we are useless.

Truths about the new world order
1) Engineering work that has been done previously does not count.
MNB: I am redesigning the sample holder to add reference holes
Harbinger: We did a holder like that a while ago, so that we could make a large holder that was injection molded together. We aren't using it, but we learned some things.
MNB: I don't care.
Harbinger: Isn't it foolish to discount the work that the engineering team has done to date.
MNB: I have been designing these things for eight years, and I know what I'm doing.
Harbinger: Here is the one that I designed a year ago.
MNB: But this is way too expensive. Why would you do it like this?
Harbinger: To solve a bunch of problems that no longer exist. But there is information to be learned from it. The machine tolerances won't change, since it was made by the same vendor.
MNB: I don't care. I have dimensioned the drawing differently. That will change the machine tolerances.
Harbinger: No, actually you haven't. This one is referenced to the holes, just like yours. Besides, you can write whatever you want, it doesn't change the way the machine works.
MNB: I know what I am doing. What you did before does not matter.
Harbinger: If you say so. Have a nice day.
MNB: Can I keep this sample?
Harbinger: Be my guest. (Of course you just told me that it is irrelevant, so why do you want it?)

2) You can only be good at one thing.
MNB: Sarcastic Brit, you need to step up to the plate and be a better electrical engineer.
Sarcastic Brit: I'm not an electrical engineer.
MNB: But you have a bachelor's in electrical engineering.
Sarcastic Brit: And a PhD in Biomedical Engineering. I haven't done electrical engineering since I finished my undergrad.
MNB: But you know how to lay out a board.
Sarcastic Brit: In theory yes, but I have never even worked as an electrical engineer.
MNB: So you are a jack of all trades. You don't want to be a jack of all trades.
Sarcastic Brit: Actually, I do.

3) Loyalty is not earned
Hyena: I always tell new bosses this: I am a contractor and I am here until you don't need me any more.
MNB: That's right. Your loyalty is to me, and NOT the Sarcastic Brit. You need to understand that.
Hyena: My contract expires in two weeks. Are you going to renew it or not?
MNB: I don't know yet. Maybe I will know next week. By the way... the Toad told me that you used the wrong kind of bolt on the prototype. You worked at BMW - surely they taught you better than that.

4) The best way to get rid of an engineering team is to hire a toady who spies on your other employees, and then tattles on them for everything you can think of.

I have not quit yet. I must admit that after everything that has gone on thus far, I probably should just do it. Just when I was starting to think that things couldn't get worse.

If it's too good to be true...

Ahh... back to Captain Fantastic. This one is by request. I'm sure that there are better Captain Fantastic stories, but this one is easy to tell, although I am sad to admit does not involve him threatening to punch anybody in the mouth for calling him a liar.

Imagine that you want to create a dish composed of several thousand smaller dishes. This is what we were trying to do at the mecca. The idea is to put one sample into each of these holes do a bunch of chemical reactions in each of the holes and then see which samples glow when you shine light on them. It sounds easy, right? However, when you have many thousands of holes, and each one is less than 1/2mm in diameter, it becomes somewhat trickier.

Captain Fantastic had the perfect solution. There is this process by which you fill a pan with goo that polymerizes when you shine light on it. If you put a very thin layer of goo into the pan, and then shine the light through a mask, you can make a very nice pattern of holes in a thin sheet of plastic. If you cover the top of that piece of plastic with a thin layer of goo and do it again, you get a thicker sheet of plastic with holes in it. If you do it thousands of times, and then glue a bottom on it, you get the sample holder. No problem. Right?

Captain Fantastic had EVERYBODY at the Mecca sold on this great technology. Of course, he hadn't actually tested it. Like many great ideas, it looked better on paper than it did in reality. Somehow, the Sarcastic Brit, the Mad Man from Down South, and I didn't believe that it would be that easy. In fact, we were so sure that it wouldn't be that we set up a horse race outside of the Brit's cubicle. On his wall we pinned up pictures of horses where each one represented one of the techniques for making the sample holder. We scribbled the names of each technique at the bottom of the picture and started them all out together. Every time we got promising results from a technique, that horse was moved to the front. Every time we reached a setback, that horse was moved back in the race.

Captain Fantastic put his horse out front. It would work. It was perfect. The first thing we noticed was that the material glowed more brightly than the sample. This isn't surprising... the material polymerizes when you shine light on it. Of course it's photo-reactive. Captain Fantastic had ways of dealing with it (although he never disclosed them to the rest of us, or even demonstrated that these ideas were more viable than "paying off the Pixies to prevent them from making the crap glow")

We moved his horse back a bit. He moved it back out front. After all, it was only a minor setback.

Next, imagine cutting a hole in a bunch of sheets of plastic, layering them up and then pouring water down the hole. You will quickly have a puddle on the table, as the water runs between the sheets. If the sheets are really thin... it gives you more places for them to leak.

Back with the horse. Of course, Captain Fantastic moved it forward again. This was also only a minor setback. We would coat the plastic with a thin layer of metal. That would seal the layers together and keep the material dark, so it wouldn't react to the light or the sample.

One problem: Most metals will also react with the sample.

No problem, we will just cover the metal with another layer of plastic. Really? This is starting to become pretty complicated. Did I mention that the material needs to be thermally conductive as well? Seems like we can't cover that problem up (either literally or figuratively).

Despite these setbacks, Captain Fantastic kept insisting that this stuff would work. Even after months of samples, and not a single successful experiment, he would not relent. We went so far as to turn his horse upside down and write R.I.P. on it. Undeterred, he would flip the horse over and put it at the finish line. It was finished alright... I believe that the correct expression is "beating a dead horse".

The strangest thing is that even six months after it was generally accepted that Captain Fantastic was delusional, and had been sacked for as much, Swiper was asking the Sarcastic Brit when we would be ready to start producing these wonderful photo-polymerized sample holders.

Perhaps he never got the memo.

I wish that Scott Adams would stop spying on me!

I had my weekly one on one with MNB yesterday. It was revealing. I will admit that I haven't been discreet regarding my disgruntlement. The conversation went something like this:

MNB: You seem to be very high strung.
Harbinger: No, I'm just crazy after working in a mad house for two years.
MNB: How many jobs have you held?
Harbinger: It depends on how you count the mergers and acquisitions. Let's call it four or so companies.
MNB: So, you've been around. Have you ever been fired?
Harbinger: No. I have always left by my choice.
MNB: You know it's not so bad. The first time I was fired from a job, I had six months to stay home. I built a deck and had a great time with my kids.
Harbinger: I'm happy for you. (Thinking: PLEASE FIRE ME. JUST GIVE ME A PACKAGE!)
MNB: Any other complaints?
Harbinger: I make less money than I did when I started two years ago, and nobody has any appreciation for anything the engineering team has accomplished despite the horrible management.
MNB: Less money? Haven't you gotten a raise or bonus?
Harbinger: No.
MNB: What about yearly performance reviews?
Harbinger: What's a performance review?
MNB: Oh.

Of course, I sent the following email to EWA today. I'm not sure if he will appreciate it or not, but I figured that at least it be enjoyable to imagine his reaction.


EWA,

I didn't get a chance to say hello last time you were in. It seems like they are keeping you away from the engineers. That's probably a good thing...

Jaba asked me how I felt about Slimy Indian Barbapapa's leaving today. My response was "cheated". Looks like I won't be getting his dog tags... which is sad, as I also hear that he has been trying to get rid of me. Of course, I should probably be more worried about my new boss asking me if I have ever been fired before, and extolling the virtues of getting the axe.

That having been said... do you know anybody who's looking for somebody with my skill set? A quick census of the engineering team reveals that at least six members of the engineering team are talking about seeking new employment, if not actually doing it. So... if you know anybody who needs an entire engineering team, that could probably be accommodated too.

In any case, The Sarcastic Brit mentioned that you would probably stop by once we are in the new facility. I would love it if you dropped by to say hello, unless I'm reveling in the freedom of unemployment. The strange thing is that I am not upset about being fired (I think that I would count it as a favor). It's more the fact that I am outraged that they believe that The Sarcastic Brit and I can be replaced by a manufacturing technician.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Cheers,

The Harbinger of Doom

Perhaps it was a bit over the top... but what can they do? Fire me?

In other news... Slimy Indian Barbapapa finished his last day at the Mecca today. His supporters went out for lunch with him. They had cake in the afternoon. I was conveniently absent. I showed up after the cake to check on a package that I was supposed to receive today. It hadn't arrived. I ran into the Sarcastic Brit. The conversation went like this:

Sarcastic Brit: What are you doing here? I thought you left on account of your wife's birthday.
Harbinger: Yeah, but I came back to say goodbye to Slimy Indian Barbapapa.
Sarcastic Brit: (raises eyebrow) Really?
Harbinger: Yeah, and to tell him of my hope that there is a special place in hell for lying, backstabbing ba$ta%@s like him.
Sarcastic Brit: I see. Have fun.

In all, it was pretty much a normal day at the Mecca.

EWA: 0 - PT Barnum: 2

I will get back to the Marvelous CTO. Tonight, I want to tell you about the latest addition to the Mecca's illustrious management team.

I remember a conversation with EWA (Evil Wall Street Analyst) quite some time ago, in which he told me that the Mecca was going to hire a new VP of Engineering for the Mecca that was so good "he was going to make me cream". MNB (My New Boss aka the new VP of Engineering) started last week, and let me tell you, my dreams have been anything but wet, unless you count perspiration.

First, MNB told me that we should not be buying our sample holder from a vendor in the far east. It took the Mad Man from Down South (the former VP of engineering) nearly six months to find one vendor that could actually make the things and sell them to us for an acceptable price. Of course MNB knows better and claimed that he had a shop in Silicon Valley that could do it better - and for as cheap. Having already talked to some of my own local vendors about it, I figured that if we were willing to pay about 40 times as much money, we could get them made locally. MNB told me that he knew better. Funny, he refused to show me the samples from his guy. I heard one of the other engineers refer to them as "scrap". No wet dreams yet.

Next, he told us that he would put a stop to the foolishness that is the Mecca's product build projections. No more changing requirements. Of course, we are now ordering parts for two variants of the system, in a yet to be determined quantity somewhere between 2 and 10. No problems. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he told us that we had to comb a 300 part bill of materials and make sure that all of the parts were correct. We had a day. Of course we couldn't let anything else we were doing slip. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he brought in his sidekick for two interviews. I was forced to show him the guts of our stuff. I suspect that he didn't have a non-disclosure agreement. It's ok though, because the guy works for MNB's old company, which is one of our competitors. And, there are no open positions at the Mecca, so even the HR person doesn't know why this guy is being interviewed. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he sent his CSA/UL/CE compliance consultant in to talk to us about getting safety certifications on the instrument. The consultant was actually good. I was impressed. Not creaming, but impressed. The consulant came back for a second look a week later. I was surprised by his speedy return since nothing had changed, and mentioned this to the consultant. The consultant confessed that MNB had asked him to come back to make sure that I understood simple things like the table of vent hole sizes, and to make sure that all of the wires are UL listed. Apparently, MNB thinks that I am either a sabateur, or really stupid. I asked him which it was. He told me that it was all a misunderstanding. Apparently, I misunderstood that he is a billigerent bully who is afraid of half of his engineering team. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he took the Sarcastic Brit out back and beat him for a paying too much for a part that our former boss (Mr. Ineffectual) had approved because we were told that getting the part quickly was more important than getting it cheaply. Apparently he wants to punish people for things that happened before he showed up. No wet dreams yet.

I guess that it doesn't help that I had the guy pegged as a biligerent bully from the moment I met him. Unfortunately my intuition seems to be too correct for comfort. No wet dreams yet.

The Fearful COO told us that he has experience "cleaning up" engineering teams with problems. Apparently, they have told MNB that the engineering team is problematic. I asked her if he cleaned up these teams by firing everybody. She informed me that she had looked into this, and he had not fired anybody. I am beginning to understand now. He didn't have to fire them. At the rate he's going, at least half of the engineering team will be gone before the end of January. I think that EWA has been suckered again. Point for PT.

EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 2

New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part III

A couple of weeks passed. Things seemed to be settled into one of those funks that although it stinks, you can almost convince yourself that there is actually not a rotten pile of dung right outside your window.

It was decided that there was too much drafting work to do, so we would hire a mechanical designer (or senior drafter) to assist Buffalo Bill. Of course everybody (but Bill) was thinking about it being his replacement. I was still hopeful that it wouldn't come to that, but I wasn't holding my breath.

The next incident that added fuel to the fire was a faux pas that I committed. Mr. Ineffectual got a couple of resumes from a body shop (temp agency), and Buffalo Bill was offended that the Sarcastic Brit and I were sent the resumes while he was not. I figured it couldn't hurt to pass them along and forwarded the email. It never occurred to me that the email also contained the hourly rates for both candidates. To make matters worse, the body shop was charging more for either of these two guys than we were paying Buffalo Bill. Needless to say, this made Buffalo Bill unhappy.

I tried to smooth over the situation by taking Bill out for lunch and telling him that it really doesn't matter what anybody else makes, and that all he should be worried about was his own work and compensation. I added that I used to worry about things like that, but there was no point, and life was too short. I thought that maybe I had gotten through to him, and his attitude would improve.

We interviewed two candidates. One had lots of experience using our CAD package, and came from the body shop. The other candidate was a friend of a friend of one of the other engineers, but didn't seem to have ever used our CAD software (which is probably the most common package available.) Anyway, Buffalo Bill took over the interviews. Far from being a guy on the verge of being sacked for producing nothing but flaming piles of doo, he acted as though he were the head of engineering or something.

Needless to say, he didn't like the guy from the body shop. Apparently he was smarmy. Of course, I am sure that his hourly rate (that was about 50% higher than Bill's) didn't have anything to do with it. The other guy - the one that seemingly had NO experience whatever with our CAD software was the obvious winner.

Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcast Brit and I sat down the next day to discuss the two candidates. We decided to go with the guy who would need the least amount of help. Mr. Ineffectual called the body shop to make the arrangements.

I was sitting in an open area of the office that day, eating lunch with Fly Boy when Bill came by and joined us. I was talking to Flyboy about the amount of work we to do, and commented that getting the new designer in would help immensely.

I saw Buffalo Bill grow tense as he asked which guy we picked. I told him. He started swearing about not being consulted and that his oppinion obviously didn't amount to sh!t. Unfortunately, that statement was pretty true. If his work had been adequate, or if he hadn't made an ass of himself in the interviews, or if I hadn't grown so tired of his griping for months, I might have cared more. He stormed off. I shrugged.

The next morning was a company wide meeting. Buffalo Bill decided that he was going to boycot. I heard him say this and left. At that point, he told the Dragon Lady that he knew how much money the new mechanical engineer was making, and he was very upset. When the Dragon Lady asked him where he got his information, he revealed that the informant was the account that does the SOX compliance. Since Bill and the accountant are not particularly chummy, I have to assume that the accountant was trying to make the worst of a bad situation. What did he have to gain? I have no clue. I should probably mention the fact that the new mechanical engineer has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering, and not an associate's degree in project management from DeVry. Of course those are more or less eqivalent qualifications for doing mechanical design work.

The Dragon Lady was livid about salary information being given out, and she was also sick and tired of Buffalo Bill. She spoke to Swiper. Then I spoke to Swiper, and had to explain why Bill was still hanging around like a plague over the company. I didn't have a good answer. It wasn't because of his awsome work.

I talked to Mr. Ineffectual, the Sarcastic Brit, and human resources, and we decided to pull the plug the next day. We would do it nice and early, before too many people show up. (Starting time at the Mecca is typically the crack of noon.) Everything was in place. We arranged for Bill's replacement (Mr. Smarmy) to show up after noon so there would be no confrontation.

That afternoon, Buffalo Bill tried to re-enact the highlights from a Sabres game and hip-checked Mr. Ineffectual into the wall. Perhaps that is what made Mr. ineffectual turn red. Perhaps it was the comment "that was for being an idiot". In either case, it's not a wise thing to do to the boss. Buffalo bill was given his severence that afternoon.

Since the Sarcastic Brit was nominally Bill's manager, he got the enviable job of delivering the pink slip. Apparently, Bill didn't think that the Brit would do it, as his parting words were akin to "Et tu, Brute". Later, Bill sent the Sarcastic Brit an email, stating there were no hard feelings, as he was obviously the sacrificial lamb for the project being late.

Of course, the the good feelings didn't end there. He called up one of our most important vendors and told them that the Mecca was laying people off because they had no money to pay employees or suppliers. Needless to say, the vendor was very happy that Bill had been sacked for being an incompetent dork with a bad attitude.

Will Mr. Smarmy fare any better than Buffalo Bill? We don't know. After we took the wheel barrow to Buffalo Bill's cubicle, and found litterally several thousand sheets with markups, and no way of knowing which had been added to the system, we decided to sort the little pieces of paper (ten man hours later) and deliver them to Mr Smarmy for vetting. We haven't seen him since.

I have learned this: The Mecca is not a safe place for mechanical designers.

New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part II

For several several weeks Buffalo Bill kept asking me if the Sarcastic Brit was still angry with him. Of course, he repeated the same (bus throwing) comments at every opportunity, which probably didn't help with the Brit's anger levels.

In order to speed up the project, the Sarcastic Brit and I decided to take over all actual design tasks. I am roughly as good as a six year old with one of those big, fat pencils, which puts me light years ahead of Buffalo Bill with his crayon. This prompted a post-it note on Bill's monitor. It said "You are a nobody. Just shut up and do the drawings."

Unfortunately, Bill had been ordering the parts he was drafting as well. It was chaos. We had five times too many of some parts, and were missing other parts entirely. Fly Boy was hired to sort out the bill of materials and do the purchasing. This further upset Bill, as he considered documentation and purchasing to be two things that he could do very well. His record spoke for itself. We hired a replacement.

After several months of worsening attitude and performance, the Sarcastic Brit found a letter on his desk. I have only changed the names. My comments are in blue.

How I have been ripped off by the Mecca
6 months of not paying the appropriate taxes. apparently he lacked the discipline to withold his own taxes
Loss of 3 holidays and a weeks vacation pay isn't that the 5% you refused to take in pay cut?
When I was claimed overtime pay I was paid straighty time not time and a half. no tears from me. I am salaried and routinely work unpaid overtime

When I go direct (permanent) how I will be ripped off. News flash: your work and attitude have been so crappy that it won't happen now
Time of service will start when ever the management get around to it. or when hell freezes over
At some point there will be a proclamation that will benefit those people who were direct employees as a date prior to my official start date but after I was here date. It appears that you have been drinking Swiper's Cool-Aid.
FYI I started March 10, 2009
When everyone else is brought back to their previous levels, I will not be recognized in that group because I came in afterwards. I will be told that I should have negotiated for a higher wage when I was hired. What can I say? You're delusional.
Stock price on March 10, 2009 was around $1.20 a share.... it has gone up Talk to EWA
Either the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger will be fired and I will be left to complete the project; Or I will be fired as the sacrifical lamb. Either way, I will be screwed. OK...

Why do I stay? Because you are a loser.
The short Commute and flexibility. and incredible levels of insanity
Working with the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger Don't forget Jar Jar!
The opportunity to work in a company that has potential if management allows it too. Management is definitely anti-potential.

The Sarcastic Brit had heard enough. He passed the paper on to Human Resources, and we had a meeting in which we decided that Buffalo Bill had to go.

What did you say this thing had to do?

The drawer assembly in the prototype instrument was designed by Captain Fantastic. Needless to say, it was - you guessed it - fantastic. Among its problems, it required alignment of the drawer position with respect to the stuff that was under the drawer. This should not have been a problem, as the alignment was in the direction of the drawer movement. The alignment can be done by moving the position of the switch that tells the machine when the drawer is closed. There was only one problem - you couldn't get to the limit switch while the thing was assembled, so alignment required testing the position, ripping the thing apart, adjusting the switch, putting it back together and doing it all over again (and again... and again...)

We asked Buffalo Bill to take a look at it. He spent several days, and complained mightily about how hard of a problem it was. Of course I was busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project and didn't figure that I would have much to offer the "mechanical designer" in the way of assistance. The Sarcastic Brit didn't figure that the problem was worthy of his attention either, as he was also very busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project. The result was that we told Buffalo Bill to "just sort it out and make it work". Bill was very proud of the resulting design. It had cute little brackets, and he had moved everything around. But, it was completely adjustable.

We got the parts in last week to test them out. The switches were in the wrong place. No matter, it was only a couple of milimeters and we could worry about it later. The next thing I noticed was that I couldn't get to the switches when the thing was assembled. Of course I only had one of the two switches in place. It's too late to mess with it though... so we will have to live with it. I decided to just install the other switch. So... I took the thing apart and installed the other switch. I quickly noticed however, that it was impossible to assemble the thing when both of the switches were in place. At this point, the "Fantastic" solution was looking pretty good.

Thankfully, we have a big scrap metal bin with all of the old parts in it. Flyboy keeps offering to take it to the scap metal dealer for us, and I keep resisting. I was reminded of the old Hercules cartoons where the Centaur is rooting through the dead tree to find Herc's bow and arrows or other crap. There were pieces of metal all over the lab floor, but at last, I found the pieces!

I started looking at the design... I knew how to do it... all I had to do was cut a hole through the top of the drawer for the limit switches. Feeling very proud of myself, I went to find Buffalo Bill to tell him about the problem, and the solution.

Buffalo Bill took the news pretty well. He had kind of figured (so he said anyway) that it would require three wrists to adjust the swtich position. He assured me again that it was very difficult to figure out how to do it, and that his design was the only way to fit everything in. I suggested that we would have to move the switches to the other side. He responded that there was no room there. But... that's where they were before he moved them.

Finally, I was forced to walk away. It was Friday afternoon, and I wasn't going to worry about the fact that our mechanical designer (with about 25 years of experience) couldn't figure out how to design the pieces, even after I told him how to do so. It looks like Monday will be mechanical design day for me.

Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts? (Part 2)

So... the Evil Wall Street Analyst has come and kicked some butt. After much butt kicking, the following events happened:

1) Slimy Indian Barbapapa has been removed as head of Biology. He hasn't been fired though... he's too slimy for that.
2) The CTO (who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag) with a chainsaw has been sacked. Perhaps it was because he was useless. Or perhaps he was a crazy a**hole who was fond of screaming "chicken sh*t" during meetings.
3) The petty thief CFO (who couldn't balance a check book) was fired.
4) Jaba was hired.

I was invited out for beer with EWA, Jaba, my Boss, and the scared COO.

It always amazes me how deep the bullsh!t gets piled when people consume even a couple of beers. Apparently, the acts listed above were all that were needed to solve the company's problems. It didn't matter that the CEO was still a liar, that the COO was scared of the CEO, or that the senior management is still unable to make a decision and stick to it. (Even ordering lunch appears to be a problem.) Perhaps, if the specifications stopped changing, we could build an instrument... but I digress.

It seems also that the CTO and CFO were fired on my say so. WOW, I wield a lot of power. Why do I constantly feel that I am speaking to the wall? Why did I have to lobby for a month to fire a consultant who feels that it's fine to come in to work between the hours of three and six in the morning, and also vehemently believes that pneumatic actuators provide more force when held upright than they do if you flip them upside down? Of course, this guy also believes that a proper vacuum seal should use a nice soft, rubber gasket. Really? Apparently, the perveyors of O-rings are conducting the largest engineering scam in the history of mankind. And to think that they almost took me in. Yet more digression.

Of course, I told EWA that I wanted to see Indian Barbapapa's head on a pike. (So that I can wave at him... like this.) Instead, it seems that Indian Barbapapa gets to keep his salary... his office... his influence... in fact, all he loses is his workload and responsibility. Some pike! It's not like he lied chronically to the CEO and board regarding the state the biology. It's not like he didn't bother to check the IP on anything. It's not like he didn't try to have everybody who was competent and question his lies unceremoniously sacked. It's not like he's key to the fact that every member of the biology team (people he hired personally) is an incompetent liar, trained by him personally. It's not like he is still trying to subvert his replacement (Jaba). Again, I digress. Needless to say, the pike has yet to be forthcoming. But, I am a patient man. EWA promised, after all. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.

The Screen Fairy Has Arrived

First off, for my regular readers, I must apologize yet again for taking a brief hiatus from writing. The impotent situation at the Mecca has forced me to seek an outlet. I have been conquering the world, playing a very old version of Sid Meyer's Civilization - possibly one of the best computer games ever conceived. Perhaps I should start referring to Swiper as "Oh most untrustworthy leader of the infidels." I guess that could be taken a less than a compliment.

Anyway, on to today's fun and games.

The conference room at the Mecca has the usual crap - the polycon conference phone that hisses madly (even when not in use) whenever it is in the presence of a cell phone. (Please turn your phones off before entering the meeting room.) A projector that isn't bright enough to be seen except at night, during a lunar eclipse that occurs during a complete failure of all street lights, and of course - the screen from hell.

When the contractors installed the screen two years ago, they made two mistakes. First, they did not mount it in centre of the wall (directly across from the middle of the conference table), and they mounted it upside down. The end result of this quality work was that the screen wouldn't stay down and the projector gave a very nice trapezoidal image when it was placed in the middle of the conference table.

At the time the thing was mounted, the Sarcastic Brit mentioned to the CFO that perhaps he should call the contractors back in to fix it. He did not, and we have lived with it for two years. Why fix the problem? Trapezoids are interesting and will add spice to any presentation. As for the screen not staying down - we are the Biotech Mecca. Anything is possible for us. Hey... that router plugged in directly below the screen - if we just tie this Ethernet cable in a knot, we can loop it around the router plug, and the screen will stay down. Except of course, when it unplugs the router. Ce n'est pas un problème!

Today, the Dragon Lady approached me and practically begged me to fix the screen. Apparently the quality installation caught the eye of several of the board members. They pointed out that our screen installation gave the suggestion that we were either incapable of fixing the problem, or didn't care about fixing the problem. Of course, they probably should have been more focused on the fact that the company is going down the crapper, but it would seem that the correct mounting of the screen is critical to the success of the company. Of course they probably wouldn't have noticed it, had the account who does our SOX compliance not rushed into the conference room and put the screen up (in front of half of the board members) in order to prevent them from seeing how badly the thing was mounted. Then again, they have all seen that screen many times, so I'm not sure why he was so worried about it this time.

Not wanting to upset the Dragon Lady, I headed into the conference room this afternoon to fix it. The accountant who does our SOX compliance was right there. You need help - I will tell Jar Jar to do this tomorrow. First of all, why would HE tell Jar Jar to do it, seeing as Jar Jar supposedly reports to me. (Of course I told my boss that I refused to manage such a collosal waste of space...) Second of all, I am sure that there are laws against people like Jar Jar hanging heavy objects above head height.

So, I went into the lab to find mounting hardware. We used to have a bunch of screws and stuff, but alas it was small enough to fit in somebody's pocket, so all of the useful hardware grew feet and walked away. I did find some quarter inch butterfly style wall anchors though, but the heads of the bolts were collosal and didn't fit. I took my treasures back to the conference room and set to work.

I managed to get the hangers over the bolt heads (barely) when the Sarcastic Brit came in and suggested that agressive pulling on the screen would likely result in sombody getting a projector on the head. Certainly that would be expected of Jar Jar, but I should probably do better myself. Then again, perhaps the thing would fall and take out two or three lying weasels. Maybe it would even take out Swiper. Too good to be true. I considered the use of Duct Tape, and decided that although my inner Candian approved, it wasn't the way things were done in Silicon Valley. Instead, I fastened the screen in place with cable ties. They are rated for 50 pounds. I figure that anybody who pulls on the screen with more than 100 pounds of force is BEGGING to have a screen split their skull. I wonder if there is a way to get Swiper to test it.

The long and short of the situation: My time is better spent fixing the projector screen than solving the issues with the company's technology. After all, how can you get any work done with those damn distracting Ethernet cables spoiling your presentations? And yes... I did mount the centre of the screen directly across from the centre of the table.

Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts?

I had an interesting conversation last week with the Mecca's single largest investor. The Evil Wall Street Analyst (EWA). My first encounter with EWA was about six months ago. He had been working for an investment firm in New York as their biotech analyst, and had somehow gotten in touch with one of the Mecca's other investors (who is an anti-biotech analyst) and was convinced that the Mecca's product was the next best thing since sliced bread.

Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.

Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.

He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:

EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.

At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.

After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.

The EPA loves you

I think that I have mentioned that Jar Jar originally worked for me. He is however about as useful as ice skates in Arizona, and about as bright as a grub, so I basically told my boss that I wasn't going to bother with him. He was hired a new boss - the sample holder processing consultant. Much like Princess Amidala, she is constantly sticking up for Jar Jar.

Princess Amidala came to me today, and the following exchange took place:

PA: When you were doing the chip processing, how did you get rid of stuff.
Me: Don't tell the EPA, or we will probably all go to jail. The former head of biology told me to set the hexane in a beaker and let it evaporate. The phosphoric acid went down the drain with copious amounts of water, and I saved the chromate, as I don't want to go to jail for dumping it.
PA: You dumped the acid down the drain?
Me: Yep. It was only a few ounces, and phosphoric acid neutralizes to phosphate. It makes the plants grow. As for the chromate, the bottle disappeared. I guess that somebody thought it was OK to dump it.
PA: NO... so you didn't call the waste disposal guys?
Me: No, I was saving it up until we had enough to bother.
PA: Oh. Well it seems that Jar Jar has dumped about two gallons of hexane with about two gallons of concentrated acid.
Me: [loudly groans]
PA: It hasn't exploded yet.
Me: [More groans.] Yet?
Sarcastic Brit: I hear Harbinger making bad sounds. What's up?
Me: Seems that Jar Jar has been mixing the hexane and the acid.
Sarcastic Brit: OK then. That about sums it up. I guess that he didn't figure out that I bought two containers: One for acid and one for solvents.
Me: Apparently not.
PA: It seems that he has been wiping the tables down with hexane as well.
Me: Really? Hasn't anybody told him that hexane fumes are bad.
PA: He's an engineer. Engineers don't know anything about chemicals.
Me: Really? What do chemical engineers do? Besides, he's not an engineer. [Thinking - He's a dust bunny.]
PA: I guess that we will have to call the waste disposal guys to get the acid.
Me: Are you going to tell them about the hexane? You could forget to mention it, but that might make them a bit angry.
PA: I guess that I had better tell them about the hexane.

It's impossible to find that part

Despite my protestations, people tend to come to me when they have a problem. Apparently, the Sarcastic Brit has reduced too many people to tears over being stupid. The other day, Jar Jar came to me with his world of trouble.

1) The stage controller on the microscope wasn't working right. Apparently, he noticed it two weeks earlier, but couldn't be bothered to do anything about it.
2) The seal on the vacuum oven was worn out.

It seems that even with two weeks to think about it, Jar Jar couldn't come up with the idea to call the manufacturer, give them the information about the unit and ask them for an RMA. Instead, he sat on it for two weeks and then asked me to do something about it. I guess that it took him two weeks to get up the ambition to decide to be lazy. Perhaps he doesn't know how to use the telephone. Maybe he's scared of the telephone, and had some sort of horrible experience with telephones in his youth. I don't know. What I do know is that I was the person who ended up getting the RMA and telling Jar Jar how to pack the unit up for shipment back to the manufacturer. I didn't inspect the packing job or verify the address. I wonder if we will ever see our microscope again. At least I know that we got an RMA from the right company, and if they ever get it, they will know why we sent it to them.

The vacuum oven was more difficult. It came out of a catalog, which means that they must have made tens of thousands of them. How hard could it be to find a seal? I told Jar Jar to check with the catalog company and see if they had them. I also suggested that he copy down the model and serial number information off of the oven in order to have it for reference when talking to the catalog company.

Several days later Jar Jar came back to interrupt the cluttered peacefulness of my cubicle with his thick Indian accent. "You know the vacuum oven seal? It's very hard to find, you know. I checked on the catalog company's web page, you know, and they didn't have them, you know. I also found the manufacturer and they didn't have them either, you know."

Really? I guess that this was going to be difficult. I told Jar Jar that I would take care of it, and proceeded back to the lab to get the info off of the equipment myself. On the side of the oven, I found a plate that had the model, serial number, catalog company name, manufacturer's name, and a number to call for warranty or service. Strange, I must be imagining things. I copied down the info and started back to my desk. On the way, I ran into Jar Jar. It couldn't hurt to ask, so I asked him if he had talked to anybody on the phone. "You know, I just checked the web page, you know. I didn't know who to call, you know."

I asked him, "Did you call the number printed on the side of the oven, beneath the model and serial number?" He had not, but at least he had the grace to offer to. I told him not to bother.

Within five minutes, I had called the manufacturer, gotten the part number, and had been informed that we would save 10% if we ordered off of their web page. Cool. But I thought that the manufacturer's web page didn't have anything. This was an impossible part to find.

It just goes to show that you can screw up even the most simple tasks if you try hard enough: At least if you are Jar Jar.

The New VP of Engineering

Apparently, the board of directors is somewhat concerned about the fact that two of the critical roles in the company (CTO and VP of Engineering) are vacant. The Chief Technical Officer was a crazy bastard who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag with a chain saw, and the VP of Engineering was a mad man - technically brilliant but such a loose canon that even those who worked for him routinely had to seek cover.

Anyway, we have been told that we need a new VP of Engineering. However, we have also been told that this person doesn't need to be at all technical, despite the fact that the proposed structure of the engineering team is as follows.

Executive VP of Product Development (WTF?) - TBD
VP of Product Development (WTF?) - Harbinger's ineffectual boss
VP (or director) of Manufacturing - TBD
VP of Engineering - TBD
Engineers (X5)
Mechanical Designer
Field Service Engineer
Lab Tech (X2 - but one of them is Jar Jar who doesn't really count for much but attracting flies)

According to this count, we have 4 VP level people managing nine "individual contributors". That seems to be a bit top heavy to me, but despite that, the Fearful COO assures me that none of the VP level people need to be technical leaders. That role is fine in the hands of myself and the Sarcastic Brit.

Four administrators for nine people? That must qualify for a record or something.

Moving on, we were asked to interview this VP candidate. For some reason, the only members of the engineering team asked to interview the candidate were myself and the Sarcastic Brit. There were four other members of the engineering team at that time (not counting Jar Jar), of which two would report directly to this new VP.

So, the Sarcastic Brit and I sat down with her. We tried to be nice. We showed her the prototype. We asked her if she had punched anybody in the mouth recently, as this is a useful skill at the Biotech Mecca. Then, I asked her if she had any useful skills. She claimed to have none. The only thing she could think of to help reduce our work load was writing documents. Too bad about the spelling errors in her resume.

The following day, we had a round table meeting to discuss this candidate. All of the following (important?) players were in attendance:

The COO (the fearful one)
The VP of Biology (Jaba the Hut, without the scantily clad women). His team would be more useful if they were encased in carbonite.
The former VP of Biology (Indian Barbapapa) who was given an indefinite, in office vacation for being an incompetent, lying weasel. They didn't fire him though, as liars are highly valued at the Biotech Mecca. It would seem they are very useful for dealing with the SEC and investors.
The Enlightened one (who is a consultant)
The Chief Scientific Officer (who works approximately one day per week. But he's a brilliant scientist so we pay him lots of money to sully his good name.)
The VP of Product Development (my boss... speaking of purely administrative people)
The four engineers and the mechanical designer (added at my insistence)

Nearly half of the company was there and we were unanimous: She had no useful skills. Despite that, the COO believed her suitable. Although the COO was a little bit worried about the pair of tire tracks left in the parking lot by the candidate's car upon leaving. This prompted the COO to ask us what we did to make her so scared. I remember hearing that this candidate is currently unemployed. Apparently, the bread line is more appealing than working at the Biotech Mecca. I was (needless to say) quick to share that observation. They didn't fire me. Damn, I'll have to try harder next time.

Jar Jar

We have this technician who claims to be an engineer. He has been given many tasks over his last year of employment, and has pretty much managed to screw up every one of them.

He showed up at our doorstep begging for a job. My boss at the time - the former VP of engineering who was sacked for being honest and competent (also known as the Mad Man from down South) was sucked in and decided that the guy was so eager that we couldn't go wrong. After all, he said that he was willing to do anything. Really? People are not always so eager once they are in the door.

We originally gave him a task doing some chemical etching. I was very happy to have somebody else do this because our lovely facility is not really equipped to deal with acid vapor, and it's better to have anybody do it but me. Unfortunately, he seems unable to follow a protocol. Of course, it didn't help that he lost the protocol and rather than asking for somebody to find it for him on the server, he just wrote a new one. After all... he's an engineer.

Then, we needed a vacuum pump rebuilt. He claimed to know how to do this, and had done it many times. Of course, when we gave him the kit and the simple task of matching the parts to the kit content list he couldn't figure out which part was which.

So, we decided to make things easier and asked him to arrange the bolts and nuts. Once he was finished, they were in no discernible order. He claimed to have a system, but the Sarcastic Brit - with the Oxford PhD- was too dumb to figure it out. The Sarcastic Brit asked Jar Jar to find an M3 by 10mm socket head cap screw. This required looking in every bin. Needless to say, Jar Jar was asked to come up with a slightly less random scheme. After attempt number three, the engineers just decided to cope with the fact that the M3 washers and M3 nuts live in the same bin, which is conveniently located between the M6 by 10 mm bolts and the M6 by 14 mm bolts, and nowhere near the M3 bolts that supposedly mate with the M3 washers and nuts.

Next, we asked him to clean up the lab and put things away. His first solution was to go to my boss. (supposedly Jar Jar reports to me, although I will deny it when asked... after all, I'm not allowed to fire him!) He managed to get engineering work to do. After all, he is an engineer. Of course, the task that he was given was so useless and pointless that I will only discuss it once I have run out of more interesting material. (Wait for the post in which I discuss the dark box).

The next attempt to have Jar Jar clean up the lab resulted in him opening the drawers and randomly pitching items into them. We still haven't found all of the bits. Of course, he still hasn't mastered basic matching, so like things were not even stuffed into the same drawers. Yikes!

Next, our lovely accounts payable / buyer (a cross between Tony Soprano and Rambo), the Dragon lady, asked Jar Jar to break down some boxes. He declined. Apparently, it's not his job. It seems that "I will do anything" does not include things that could be construed to be useful. Funny, but when she asks me to take the boxes out, I ask if there is anything else I can do in addition to that.

Next, we handed him to Buffalo Bill, who is our mechanical designer. Buffalo Bill does not play as fast an loose with instruction as the Sarcastic Brit or I do, so we figured that maybe he could get something useful out of him. The task was simple: Here is a stack of drawings - all you have to do is make sure that all of the parts in the drawings show up in the spreadsheet. If all goes well, Buffalo Bill figured that he could get Jar Jar to look at the parts we had in back and count them. After wasting two weeks on this little endeavor, Buffalo Bill was forced to admit that it was a waste of time, and that Jar Jar just wasn't up to the task. Of course, I took a lot of heat for the two week project slip from that one. Apparently, it is sometimes better to have no help than bad help.

Finally the Sarcastic Brit and I decided that we could only use Jar Jar as an errand boy. He owns a van and may have a valid drivers license. (I haven't asked and don't really want to know.) So today I hear the Dragon Lady call back to the cubicle area that Jar Jar is on the phone and needs to talk to the Sarcastic Brit. I was immediately interested when I heard the Sarcastic Brit exclaim "And why, Jar Jar, are you at the Home Depot?"

Unable to contain my curiosity, I had to ask. Apparently, he sent Jar Jar out to pick up an item from a place a couple of miles down the street. Jar Jar was armed with a company name and street address, as well as the helpful tip that the company was close to the Home Depot. His response was that he knew the area very well. So well in fact, that he forgot about the address and went directly to the Home Depot. Imagine his surprise when the poor clerk at the hardware store didn't know anything about an open purchase order, the Sarcastic Brit who had placed the order, the Biotech Mecca, or even what an ionizing dust-off gun was.

Well, at least he made it back in one piece. Of course, then the Sarcastic Brit was faced with the task of explaining its purpose and operation to Jar Jar, who will be it's primary user. Ok, you plug this in to the wall. This end goes to the air line. Here is where the air comes out. Yes, you may need some extra fittings. No... this is where you connect it to the air line. No, it's ok, you can do it tomorrow - when I am on a plane bound for Hong Kong.

Needless to say, I too will be out tomorrow. Coincidence - I think not.

Video says it all Pardon the ads.

A typical day at the Ranch

My original thought with this blog was to post the story in chronological order. I have decided to break the rules on the first day. The reason for this flagrant disregard of my own rules is simply due to my own inability to remember things in sufficient detail. The unfortunate thing about forgetting things is the stuff that I would make up would be less entertaining than what really happens.

The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.



From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]

[Harbinger of Doom],

I received some reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]. There is a [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC] sticker with the samples. What is the purpose of these samples?

[Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]

From: [Harbinger of Doom]
To: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss];[Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tue Aug 18 18:14:11 2009
Subject: FW: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]

[Ineffectual Boss],

I have five questions:

1. Why is [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] working on chip QC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]?
2. Who gave [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] the samples?
3. What are the samples?
4. Why was I not told that this was happening?
5. Who gets to tell [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that we are so disorganized that we gave him samples from a competing vendor, and that the engineering team had no idea that it was happening?

I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.

Cheers,

[Harbinger of Doom]

From: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 10:03 PM
To: [Habinger of Doom]; [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]

Subject: Re: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]

What is going on?
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]

From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 9:36 AM
To: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]

I have no idea what [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] is giving to, nor communicating to, [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]. What are the goals of his trip?

I am not aware of any engineering discussions that he needs to be involved with.

-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]

From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 11:13 AM
To: [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]

[the accountant that does the SOX compliance] ,

What is the source of these chips, and why are you having technical discussions with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]? From what I heard, you gave [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] labeled reject chips from [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC], our primary chip vendor. If that is the case, it is obviously bad business practice to expose the identity of the competing vendor, as well as give their samples to the second source. [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] is already well aware of the specifications and the quality improvements that they need to demonstrate.

Please do not free-lance on technical issues. In this case, [Harbinger of Doom] is the POC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] and will handle all technical communications.

-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]

From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]

Sent:	Wednesday, August 19, 2009 4:48 PM
To:	[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc:	[Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund]

I never have any technical issue with the china chip, and never talk to him about china, I brought the [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] chip , so they can see what was wrong with the chip that was rejected by [the former head of Engineering that was sacked for being too honest and competent], that was all

One final note on this topic, the accountant that does the Sorbanes Oxley compliance doesn't actually do any of the work. The accounting is done by a consultant and the filings were done by the receptionist. Until she got sacked for being unable to answer the phone. What does the accountant who is supposed to be doing the SOX compliance do? Good question. He spends a lot of time lurking in dark rooms talking on his cell phone in spanish. It has become a common game to enter the room he's in, turn on the lights and count the number of seconds it takes him to scuttle away like a cockroach.

But... more on that later.