Regarding suitable candidates for the VP of engineering. Buffalo Bill provided the insight that the Sarcastic Brit should be the VP of Engineering. Why not? He's got the right pedigree, he's got that "sexy English accent", he's got enough gray hair, and can be cleaned up to look presentable. (He would have to ditch the "Guns don't kill people - men with mustaches kill people" T-shirt.) More importantly, he is one of the few people who works at the Biotech Mecca that knows how to behave in public. He hasn't even punched anybody in the mouth yet. Although those days may be numbered.
Unfortunately the overriding stench of competence immediately precludes him from the job.
Of course, we have also discussed hiring back the mad man as CTO. He doesn't know how to behave in public, but that skill is highly overrated in a position that requires technical genius anyway. This discussion has made it as far as to my boss, who agrees whole heartedly that the Mad Man would be perfect - provided he were in a room with the locks on the outside. Of course, I know that it will never get anywhere based on the fact that my boss supports it. (Remembering the whole ineffectual part.) Again, the overwhelming stench of competence is probably too large a barrier to overcome.
Then again, more engineers would probably do the company more good than hiring a fist full of new managers. If I actually cared anymore, I would find the situation highly frustrating. Given my current state of mind, being understaffed means that they can pay me for more months before running out of dough.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The New VP of Engineering
Apparently, the board of directors is somewhat concerned about the fact that two of the critical roles in the company (CTO and VP of Engineering) are vacant. The Chief Technical Officer was a crazy bastard who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag with a chain saw, and the VP of Engineering was a mad man - technically brilliant but such a loose canon that even those who worked for him routinely had to seek cover.
Anyway, we have been told that we need a new VP of Engineering. However, we have also been told that this person doesn't need to be at all technical, despite the fact that the proposed structure of the engineering team is as follows.
Executive VP of Product Development (WTF?) - TBD
VP of Product Development (WTF?) - Harbinger's ineffectual boss
VP (or director) of Manufacturing - TBD
VP of Engineering - TBD
Engineers (X5)
Mechanical Designer
Field Service Engineer
Lab Tech (X2 - but one of them is Jar Jar who doesn't really count for much but attracting flies)
According to this count, we have 4 VP level people managing nine "individual contributors". That seems to be a bit top heavy to me, but despite that, the Fearful COO assures me that none of the VP level people need to be technical leaders. That role is fine in the hands of myself and the Sarcastic Brit.
Four administrators for nine people? That must qualify for a record or something.
Moving on, we were asked to interview this VP candidate. For some reason, the only members of the engineering team asked to interview the candidate were myself and the Sarcastic Brit. There were four other members of the engineering team at that time (not counting Jar Jar), of which two would report directly to this new VP.
So, the Sarcastic Brit and I sat down with her. We tried to be nice. We showed her the prototype. We asked her if she had punched anybody in the mouth recently, as this is a useful skill at the Biotech Mecca. Then, I asked her if she had any useful skills. She claimed to have none. The only thing she could think of to help reduce our work load was writing documents. Too bad about the spelling errors in her resume.
The following day, we had a round table meeting to discuss this candidate. All of the following (important?) players were in attendance:
The COO (the fearful one)
The VP of Biology (Jaba the Hut, without the scantily clad women). His team would be more useful if they were encased in carbonite.
The former VP of Biology (Indian Barbapapa) who was given an indefinite, in office vacation for being an incompetent, lying weasel. They didn't fire him though, as liars are highly valued at the Biotech Mecca. It would seem they are very useful for dealing with the SEC and investors.
The Enlightened one (who is a consultant)
The Chief Scientific Officer (who works approximately one day per week. But he's a brilliant scientist so we pay him lots of money to sully his good name.)
The VP of Product Development (my boss... speaking of purely administrative people)
The four engineers and the mechanical designer (added at my insistence)
Nearly half of the company was there and we were unanimous: She had no useful skills. Despite that, the COO believed her suitable. Although the COO was a little bit worried about the pair of tire tracks left in the parking lot by the candidate's car upon leaving. This prompted the COO to ask us what we did to make her so scared. I remember hearing that this candidate is currently unemployed. Apparently, the bread line is more appealing than working at the Biotech Mecca. I was (needless to say) quick to share that observation. They didn't fire me. Damn, I'll have to try harder next time.
Anyway, we have been told that we need a new VP of Engineering. However, we have also been told that this person doesn't need to be at all technical, despite the fact that the proposed structure of the engineering team is as follows.
Executive VP of Product Development (WTF?) - TBD
VP of Product Development (WTF?) - Harbinger's ineffectual boss
VP (or director) of Manufacturing - TBD
VP of Engineering - TBD
Engineers (X5)
Mechanical Designer
Field Service Engineer
Lab Tech (X2 - but one of them is Jar Jar who doesn't really count for much but attracting flies)
According to this count, we have 4 VP level people managing nine "individual contributors". That seems to be a bit top heavy to me, but despite that, the Fearful COO assures me that none of the VP level people need to be technical leaders. That role is fine in the hands of myself and the Sarcastic Brit.
Four administrators for nine people? That must qualify for a record or something.
Moving on, we were asked to interview this VP candidate. For some reason, the only members of the engineering team asked to interview the candidate were myself and the Sarcastic Brit. There were four other members of the engineering team at that time (not counting Jar Jar), of which two would report directly to this new VP.
So, the Sarcastic Brit and I sat down with her. We tried to be nice. We showed her the prototype. We asked her if she had punched anybody in the mouth recently, as this is a useful skill at the Biotech Mecca. Then, I asked her if she had any useful skills. She claimed to have none. The only thing she could think of to help reduce our work load was writing documents. Too bad about the spelling errors in her resume.
The following day, we had a round table meeting to discuss this candidate. All of the following (important?) players were in attendance:
The COO (the fearful one)
The VP of Biology (Jaba the Hut, without the scantily clad women). His team would be more useful if they were encased in carbonite.
The former VP of Biology (Indian Barbapapa) who was given an indefinite, in office vacation for being an incompetent, lying weasel. They didn't fire him though, as liars are highly valued at the Biotech Mecca. It would seem they are very useful for dealing with the SEC and investors.
The Enlightened one (who is a consultant)
The Chief Scientific Officer (who works approximately one day per week. But he's a brilliant scientist so we pay him lots of money to sully his good name.)
The VP of Product Development (my boss... speaking of purely administrative people)
The four engineers and the mechanical designer (added at my insistence)
Nearly half of the company was there and we were unanimous: She had no useful skills. Despite that, the COO believed her suitable. Although the COO was a little bit worried about the pair of tire tracks left in the parking lot by the candidate's car upon leaving. This prompted the COO to ask us what we did to make her so scared. I remember hearing that this candidate is currently unemployed. Apparently, the bread line is more appealing than working at the Biotech Mecca. I was (needless to say) quick to share that observation. They didn't fire me. Damn, I'll have to try harder next time.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
It's hard to get good people when even Dilbert is scared of you
The Biotech Mecca has been trying to hire people to fill several positions recently. One of those positions is a new VP of engineering to replace the brilliant but blunt Mad Man from Down South that was sacked for being a bit too honest. That is a story for a later post though.
My present topic is our search for a mechanical design engineer. After much discussion, we decided that three electrical engineers, one physicist and a project manager masquerading as a mechanical designer is probably not the optimal design team for a device that is fundamentally mechanical.
We posted an ad on Craig's list. We got nothing. We called a headhunter. He asked us to fill out forms. My boss (VP of product development - WTF is that?) asked the Sarcastic Brit to fill out the form for the recruiter. Judging from the responses, I would say that he was having a bad day. (Personally, I was out that day having a job interview with the competition. They didn't call me back. Apparently I have been tainted by working at the Biotech Mecca.)
The template from the recruiter is in blue. The Sarcastic Brit's answers are in black.
The template I have attached was provided for the management level openings but may also assist in providing more detail to us on the Mech. Design and Bioinformatics positions.
In essence, what I'd like to discuss with you are things outside the job description:
• Salary range/bonus and benefits
woefully inadequate for the required level of skill
• What a typical day in the life may be for this person
bailing shit and dealing with stupid fuckers
• How many other people are in a similar function
most other engineers, 2
• Overall group/department size
farcically small for what we are being asked to do
• Environments you would like to see someone come out of
hell
• Career progression
none, lots of Title improvements, no fiscal benefit
• Specific or similar product knowledge
• What they need to accomplish in first 3-6 months
make gold from turds
My present topic is our search for a mechanical design engineer. After much discussion, we decided that three electrical engineers, one physicist and a project manager masquerading as a mechanical designer is probably not the optimal design team for a device that is fundamentally mechanical.
We posted an ad on Craig's list. We got nothing. We called a headhunter. He asked us to fill out forms. My boss (VP of product development - WTF is that?) asked the Sarcastic Brit to fill out the form for the recruiter. Judging from the responses, I would say that he was having a bad day. (Personally, I was out that day having a job interview with the competition. They didn't call me back. Apparently I have been tainted by working at the Biotech Mecca.)
The template from the recruiter is in blue. The Sarcastic Brit's answers are in black.
The template I have attached was provided for the management level openings but may also assist in providing more detail to us on the Mech. Design and Bioinformatics positions.
In essence, what I'd like to discuss with you are things outside the job description:
• Salary range/bonus and benefits
woefully inadequate for the required level of skill
• What a typical day in the life may be for this person
bailing shit and dealing with stupid fuckers
• How many other people are in a similar function
most other engineers, 2
• Overall group/department size
farcically small for what we are being asked to do
• Environments you would like to see someone come out of
hell
• Career progression
none, lots of Title improvements, no fiscal benefit
• Specific or similar product knowledge
• What they need to accomplish in first 3-6 months
make gold from turds
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Jar Jar
We have this technician who claims to be an engineer. He has been given many tasks over his last year of employment, and has pretty much managed to screw up every one of them.
He showed up at our doorstep begging for a job. My boss at the time - the former VP of engineering who was sacked for being honest and competent (also known as the Mad Man from down South) was sucked in and decided that the guy was so eager that we couldn't go wrong. After all, he said that he was willing to do anything. Really? People are not always so eager once they are in the door.
We originally gave him a task doing some chemical etching. I was very happy to have somebody else do this because our lovely facility is not really equipped to deal with acid vapor, and it's better to have anybody do it but me. Unfortunately, he seems unable to follow a protocol. Of course, it didn't help that he lost the protocol and rather than asking for somebody to find it for him on the server, he just wrote a new one. After all... he's an engineer.
Then, we needed a vacuum pump rebuilt. He claimed to know how to do this, and had done it many times. Of course, when we gave him the kit and the simple task of matching the parts to the kit content list he couldn't figure out which part was which.
So, we decided to make things easier and asked him to arrange the bolts and nuts. Once he was finished, they were in no discernible order. He claimed to have a system, but the Sarcastic Brit - with the Oxford PhD- was too dumb to figure it out. The Sarcastic Brit asked Jar Jar to find an M3 by 10mm socket head cap screw. This required looking in every bin. Needless to say, Jar Jar was asked to come up with a slightly less random scheme. After attempt number three, the engineers just decided to cope with the fact that the M3 washers and M3 nuts live in the same bin, which is conveniently located between the M6 by 10 mm bolts and the M6 by 14 mm bolts, and nowhere near the M3 bolts that supposedly mate with the M3 washers and nuts.
Next, we asked him to clean up the lab and put things away. His first solution was to go to my boss. (supposedly Jar Jar reports to me, although I will deny it when asked... after all, I'm not allowed to fire him!) He managed to get engineering work to do. After all, he is an engineer. Of course, the task that he was given was so useless and pointless that I will only discuss it once I have run out of more interesting material. (Wait for the post in which I discuss the dark box).
The next attempt to have Jar Jar clean up the lab resulted in him opening the drawers and randomly pitching items into them. We still haven't found all of the bits. Of course, he still hasn't mastered basic matching, so like things were not even stuffed into the same drawers. Yikes!
Next, our lovely accounts payable / buyer (a cross between Tony Soprano and Rambo), the Dragon lady, asked Jar Jar to break down some boxes. He declined. Apparently, it's not his job. It seems that "I will do anything" does not include things that could be construed to be useful. Funny, but when she asks me to take the boxes out, I ask if there is anything else I can do in addition to that.
Next, we handed him to Buffalo Bill, who is our mechanical designer. Buffalo Bill does not play as fast an loose with instruction as the Sarcastic Brit or I do, so we figured that maybe he could get something useful out of him. The task was simple: Here is a stack of drawings - all you have to do is make sure that all of the parts in the drawings show up in the spreadsheet. If all goes well, Buffalo Bill figured that he could get Jar Jar to look at the parts we had in back and count them. After wasting two weeks on this little endeavor, Buffalo Bill was forced to admit that it was a waste of time, and that Jar Jar just wasn't up to the task. Of course, I took a lot of heat for the two week project slip from that one. Apparently, it is sometimes better to have no help than bad help.
Finally the Sarcastic Brit and I decided that we could only use Jar Jar as an errand boy. He owns a van and may have a valid drivers license. (I haven't asked and don't really want to know.) So today I hear the Dragon Lady call back to the cubicle area that Jar Jar is on the phone and needs to talk to the Sarcastic Brit. I was immediately interested when I heard the Sarcastic Brit exclaim "And why, Jar Jar, are you at the Home Depot?"
Unable to contain my curiosity, I had to ask. Apparently, he sent Jar Jar out to pick up an item from a place a couple of miles down the street. Jar Jar was armed with a company name and street address, as well as the helpful tip that the company was close to the Home Depot. His response was that he knew the area very well. So well in fact, that he forgot about the address and went directly to the Home Depot. Imagine his surprise when the poor clerk at the hardware store didn't know anything about an open purchase order, the Sarcastic Brit who had placed the order, the Biotech Mecca, or even what an ionizing dust-off gun was.
Well, at least he made it back in one piece. Of course, then the Sarcastic Brit was faced with the task of explaining its purpose and operation to Jar Jar, who will be it's primary user. Ok, you plug this in to the wall. This end goes to the air line. Here is where the air comes out. Yes, you may need some extra fittings. No... this is where you connect it to the air line. No, it's ok, you can do it tomorrow - when I am on a plane bound for Hong Kong.
Needless to say, I too will be out tomorrow. Coincidence - I think not.
Video says it all Pardon the ads.
He showed up at our doorstep begging for a job. My boss at the time - the former VP of engineering who was sacked for being honest and competent (also known as the Mad Man from down South) was sucked in and decided that the guy was so eager that we couldn't go wrong. After all, he said that he was willing to do anything. Really? People are not always so eager once they are in the door.
We originally gave him a task doing some chemical etching. I was very happy to have somebody else do this because our lovely facility is not really equipped to deal with acid vapor, and it's better to have anybody do it but me. Unfortunately, he seems unable to follow a protocol. Of course, it didn't help that he lost the protocol and rather than asking for somebody to find it for him on the server, he just wrote a new one. After all... he's an engineer.
Then, we needed a vacuum pump rebuilt. He claimed to know how to do this, and had done it many times. Of course, when we gave him the kit and the simple task of matching the parts to the kit content list he couldn't figure out which part was which.
So, we decided to make things easier and asked him to arrange the bolts and nuts. Once he was finished, they were in no discernible order. He claimed to have a system, but the Sarcastic Brit - with the Oxford PhD- was too dumb to figure it out. The Sarcastic Brit asked Jar Jar to find an M3 by 10mm socket head cap screw. This required looking in every bin. Needless to say, Jar Jar was asked to come up with a slightly less random scheme. After attempt number three, the engineers just decided to cope with the fact that the M3 washers and M3 nuts live in the same bin, which is conveniently located between the M6 by 10 mm bolts and the M6 by 14 mm bolts, and nowhere near the M3 bolts that supposedly mate with the M3 washers and nuts.
Next, we asked him to clean up the lab and put things away. His first solution was to go to my boss. (supposedly Jar Jar reports to me, although I will deny it when asked... after all, I'm not allowed to fire him!) He managed to get engineering work to do. After all, he is an engineer. Of course, the task that he was given was so useless and pointless that I will only discuss it once I have run out of more interesting material. (Wait for the post in which I discuss the dark box).
The next attempt to have Jar Jar clean up the lab resulted in him opening the drawers and randomly pitching items into them. We still haven't found all of the bits. Of course, he still hasn't mastered basic matching, so like things were not even stuffed into the same drawers. Yikes!
Next, our lovely accounts payable / buyer (a cross between Tony Soprano and Rambo), the Dragon lady, asked Jar Jar to break down some boxes. He declined. Apparently, it's not his job. It seems that "I will do anything" does not include things that could be construed to be useful. Funny, but when she asks me to take the boxes out, I ask if there is anything else I can do in addition to that.
Next, we handed him to Buffalo Bill, who is our mechanical designer. Buffalo Bill does not play as fast an loose with instruction as the Sarcastic Brit or I do, so we figured that maybe he could get something useful out of him. The task was simple: Here is a stack of drawings - all you have to do is make sure that all of the parts in the drawings show up in the spreadsheet. If all goes well, Buffalo Bill figured that he could get Jar Jar to look at the parts we had in back and count them. After wasting two weeks on this little endeavor, Buffalo Bill was forced to admit that it was a waste of time, and that Jar Jar just wasn't up to the task. Of course, I took a lot of heat for the two week project slip from that one. Apparently, it is sometimes better to have no help than bad help.
Finally the Sarcastic Brit and I decided that we could only use Jar Jar as an errand boy. He owns a van and may have a valid drivers license. (I haven't asked and don't really want to know.) So today I hear the Dragon Lady call back to the cubicle area that Jar Jar is on the phone and needs to talk to the Sarcastic Brit. I was immediately interested when I heard the Sarcastic Brit exclaim "And why, Jar Jar, are you at the Home Depot?"
Unable to contain my curiosity, I had to ask. Apparently, he sent Jar Jar out to pick up an item from a place a couple of miles down the street. Jar Jar was armed with a company name and street address, as well as the helpful tip that the company was close to the Home Depot. His response was that he knew the area very well. So well in fact, that he forgot about the address and went directly to the Home Depot. Imagine his surprise when the poor clerk at the hardware store didn't know anything about an open purchase order, the Sarcastic Brit who had placed the order, the Biotech Mecca, or even what an ionizing dust-off gun was.
Well, at least he made it back in one piece. Of course, then the Sarcastic Brit was faced with the task of explaining its purpose and operation to Jar Jar, who will be it's primary user. Ok, you plug this in to the wall. This end goes to the air line. Here is where the air comes out. Yes, you may need some extra fittings. No... this is where you connect it to the air line. No, it's ok, you can do it tomorrow - when I am on a plane bound for Hong Kong.
Needless to say, I too will be out tomorrow. Coincidence - I think not.
Video says it all Pardon the ads.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
More Fun and Games
We have a consultant who works four days per week. Nominally, he is retired, but he apparently has nothing better to do than to come to the Biotech Mecca and help out. Perhaps this because he is incredibly enlightened. It is certainly not because he is well paid. In fact, he went for several months where he wasn't paid at all. He grumbled a lot, but continued to show up.
Although this particular consultant knows his business very well (which is unusual at the Biotech Mecca), he is also very opinionated, which tends to encourage attack, especially from the Sarcastic Brit. The following exchange happened in the lunch room today. Unlike the yelling, cursing and threats of bodily harm that have often happened during meetings, this particular incident was "friendly". My memory of these events may not be perfect, as I didn't video tape the discourse. I will need to start carrying my camera.
Sarcastic Brit: I see that the enlightened one is wearing his nice white pants today.
Enlightened one: Do you have a problem with my pants?
Sarcastic Brit: No. Do you only wear them between Memorial day and Labor Day?
Enlightened one: No, I wear them at other times during the year too.
Sarcastic Brit: That's very unfashionable.
Enlightened one: You are very funny.
Sarcastic Brit: Of course I'm funny. I'm British. British people don't dream of becoming football players, or poets or great scientists. We just want to be funny. That's what we do.
Enlightened one: This is funny. - Dumps half a glass of water over Sarcastic Brit's head.
Sarcastic Brit: Where is the HR Person when you need her?
Bystander: You mean the one that has known the Enlightened one for twenty years?
Sarcastic Brit: Never mind.
Although this particular consultant knows his business very well (which is unusual at the Biotech Mecca), he is also very opinionated, which tends to encourage attack, especially from the Sarcastic Brit. The following exchange happened in the lunch room today. Unlike the yelling, cursing and threats of bodily harm that have often happened during meetings, this particular incident was "friendly". My memory of these events may not be perfect, as I didn't video tape the discourse. I will need to start carrying my camera.
Sarcastic Brit: I see that the enlightened one is wearing his nice white pants today.
Enlightened one: Do you have a problem with my pants?
Sarcastic Brit: No. Do you only wear them between Memorial day and Labor Day?
Enlightened one: No, I wear them at other times during the year too.
Sarcastic Brit: That's very unfashionable.
Enlightened one: You are very funny.
Sarcastic Brit: Of course I'm funny. I'm British. British people don't dream of becoming football players, or poets or great scientists. We just want to be funny. That's what we do.
Enlightened one: This is funny. - Dumps half a glass of water over Sarcastic Brit's head.
Sarcastic Brit: Where is the HR Person when you need her?
Bystander: You mean the one that has known the Enlightened one for twenty years?
Sarcastic Brit: Never mind.
A typical day at the Ranch
My original thought with this blog was to post the story in chronological order. I have decided to break the rules on the first day. The reason for this flagrant disregard of my own rules is simply due to my own inability to remember things in sufficient detail. The unfortunate thing about forgetting things is the stuff that I would make up would be less entertaining than what really happens.
The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.
From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]
I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.
Cheers,
[Harbinger of Doom]
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.
From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]
[Harbinger of Doom],
I received some reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]. There is a [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC] sticker with the samples. What is the purpose of these samples?
[Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
From: [Harbinger of Doom]
To: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss];[Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tue Aug 18 18:14:11 2009
Subject: FW: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
[Ineffectual Boss],
I have five questions:
- Why is [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] working on chip QC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]?
- Who gave [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] the samples?
- What are the samples?
- Why was I not told that this was happening?
- Who gets to tell [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that we are so disorganized that we gave him samples from a competing vendor, and that the engineering team had no idea that it was happening?
I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.
Cheers,
[Harbinger of Doom]
From: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 10:03 PM
To: [Habinger of Doom]; [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: Re: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
What is going on?
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 9:36 AM
To: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
I have no idea what [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] is giving to, nor communicating to, [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]. What are the goals of his trip?
I am not aware of any engineering discussions that he needs to be involved with.
-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 11:13 AM
To: [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
[the accountant that does the SOX compliance] ,
What is the source of these chips, and why are you having technical discussions with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]? From what I heard, you gave [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] labeled reject chips from [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC], our primary chip vendor. If that is the case, it is obviously bad business practice to expose the identity of the competing vendor, as well as give their samples to the second source. [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] is already well aware of the specifications and the quality improvements that they need to demonstrate.
Please do not free-lance on technical issues. In this case, [Harbinger of Doom] is the POC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] and will handle all technical communications.
-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
| Sent: | Wednesday, August 19, 2009 4:48 PM |
| To: | |
| Cc: | [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund] |
I never have any technical issue with the china chip, and never talk to him about china, I brought the [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] chip , so they can see what was wrong with the chip that was rejected by [the former head of Engineering that was sacked for being too honest and competent], that was all
One final note on this topic, the accountant that does the Sorbanes Oxley compliance doesn't actually do any of the work. The accounting is done by a consultant and the filings were done by the receptionist. Until she got sacked for being unable to answer the phone. What does the accountant who is supposed to be doing the SOX compliance do? Good question. He spends a lot of time lurking in dark rooms talking on his cell phone in spanish. It has become a common game to enter the room he's in, turn on the lights and count the number of seconds it takes him to scuttle away like a cockroach.
But... more on that later.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Where to Begin
Beginning is always the hardest part. This story begins simply enough, but soon, things just got way out of hand. It's really amazing just how out of hand things really can get.
When I graduated from University, many of my friends were moving to Ottawa, Ontario to work for rapidly growing companies such as Nortel and JDS Uniphase. I had just completed a concurrent education program, and thought that I would like to teach high school. Unfortunately, the province of Ontario was laying off teachers left, right and centre. I decided that I would enter graduate school, and hopefully by the time I graduated, the province would be replacing all of those positions that they had just slashed, and I would have more to offer my future students.
Two years later I had a shiny new Masters degree in physical chemistry. You still couldn't buy a teaching job, and worst of all, the dot com bust had just started. All of my former class mates that had those great paying jobs working for telecom companies... they were hitting the unemployment lines. Too much competition for too few jobs ... so I did the only sensible thing: I got a full time job working for my graduate supervisor. The money was crap, but the work was enjoyable, and there was only as much of it as I wanted to do. I used to joke that I pretended to work, and my boss pretended to pay me. It was a good arrangement for a newly wed.
My easy life ended a little over a year later, however. I got a job in the town of St. Catharines, Ontario, which is not far from Niagara Falls, and is largely an automotive town. The major employers are the likes of General Motors and TRW. Needless to say, even in 2002 it was not the most prosperous town. A friend of mine who hales from St. Catharines nearly choked when I told him that I was moving there. He would only reply, "Dude, people LEAVE St. Catharines for work."
The work was good while it lasted, but alas, our company was bought by the behemoth known as the General Electric company, and I was offered a one way ticket to New Jersey. The Garden State. I have not mentioned previously, but St. Catharines is known as the Garden City. Mental note: Avoid places that claim to be gardens. I can sum up that experience with one statement. All of the bridges that I have ever seen connecting the state of New Jersey with New York or Pennsylvania require that you pay to LEAVE New Jersey. Apparently, the sign on I80 as you enter Pennsylvania used to read "Pennsylvania - America starts here." The folks in New Jersey purported took offense to the point that the sign had to be removed. But I digress.
Moving forward to the Spring of 2006. I am happily living in St. Catharines (once again or still depending on which tax agency you work for), but driving to the far north end of Toronto. It's a 160 mile (that's right... miles not kilometers) round trip through some of the most congested and suicidal highways in North America. By that point I had been pounding the pavement for a little over 18 months and I was reaching the end of my rope. I was using business trips as a way to recuperate from commuting. At about the time my manager said that he was going to start cutting back on travel, I got a frantic email from my first boss (the guy who hired me back in St. Catharines.) He had just offered a job by a biotech start-up in California, and wanted me to come out and work for him. What could I say? It sounded like a great idea. So did below grade land in Florida or Louisiana.
The first frantic call came in February 2007. That was about the time that I had ripped the bathroom apart and then headed off for a week long business trip, leaving my wife and four year old son with only a working toilet. (I worked very hard to make sure that they had at least that amenity.) I enjoyed my week at the Crowne Plaza so much, that packing up and moving across the continent seemed like a good idea. I had until the following September before everything came to pass.
In retrospect six months should have been lots of time to come to my senses, but alas, some men are born fools. I believe that among them, I must be king. At the time however, it seemed like a good idea.
So... we sold our house (at about the top of the housing market), had the movers come and get the majority of our stuff, and loaded the rest into a Uhaul trailer.
We left St. Catharines at about 10:00 pm on September 26, 2007. I remember it well. The trailer was packed full, the car topper was loaded, and we had crap tied on top of it. It looked like the truck from the Beverly Hillbillies. Unfortunately, our poor 2001 Nissan Sentra was not designed to handle such burdens, and the rear bumper nearly dragged the ground. In fact, I think that we bottomed out leaving the driveway.
We crossed Southwestern Ontario without incident. When we hit the border at Port Huron Michigan, things started going to hell. The crossing went easily enough. Unfortunately it started a paperwork nightmare that would not be cleared up for another nine months. When I told the border officer that we were moving to California, I would have thought that it would have been a clue to check for I94s in all of our passports, and perhaps ask us if we wished to import our car. Neither of those things were done. It was 2:00am by that point, however and we were too focused on making it to our hotel room in Lansing to care.
We spent the next four days dragging an overloaded trailer across the continent, facing road construction and 60mph head winds all the way through Nebraska and Wyoming. My wife almost sent us off the side of a cliff coming into Salt Lake City when the constant barrage of traffic cones in the dark finally did its job and disoriented her to the point of not knowing where the road was. Of course our severely autistic son had never been on a road trip like this and spent many hours screaming at the top of his lungs.
I can sum the trip up like this. One of our son's therapists got him this lady bug toy that sings "Sort, sort, sort your shapes. Circles hearts and squares." I still have nightmares about that song.
We did make it to California without major incident, and got set up in our hotel. All we had to do was find a place to live before the truck came with our stuff. Oh yeah... and import the car, and get drivers licenses. Remember the lack of paperwork on the part of my wife? It's really hard to get a license when you can't prove that you are not an illegal alien. (Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along? I won't do anything wrong.)
After one day of rest, I started work. There are four people on the engineering team for the new product. The team consisted of myself, my boss, a sarcastic British guy (like I have ever met any other type of British guy), and "a Silicon Valley Veteran" who would later come to be known as Captain Fantastic.
Let the games begin.
When I graduated from University, many of my friends were moving to Ottawa, Ontario to work for rapidly growing companies such as Nortel and JDS Uniphase. I had just completed a concurrent education program, and thought that I would like to teach high school. Unfortunately, the province of Ontario was laying off teachers left, right and centre. I decided that I would enter graduate school, and hopefully by the time I graduated, the province would be replacing all of those positions that they had just slashed, and I would have more to offer my future students.
Two years later I had a shiny new Masters degree in physical chemistry. You still couldn't buy a teaching job, and worst of all, the dot com bust had just started. All of my former class mates that had those great paying jobs working for telecom companies... they were hitting the unemployment lines. Too much competition for too few jobs ... so I did the only sensible thing: I got a full time job working for my graduate supervisor. The money was crap, but the work was enjoyable, and there was only as much of it as I wanted to do. I used to joke that I pretended to work, and my boss pretended to pay me. It was a good arrangement for a newly wed.
My easy life ended a little over a year later, however. I got a job in the town of St. Catharines, Ontario, which is not far from Niagara Falls, and is largely an automotive town. The major employers are the likes of General Motors and TRW. Needless to say, even in 2002 it was not the most prosperous town. A friend of mine who hales from St. Catharines nearly choked when I told him that I was moving there. He would only reply, "Dude, people LEAVE St. Catharines for work."
The work was good while it lasted, but alas, our company was bought by the behemoth known as the General Electric company, and I was offered a one way ticket to New Jersey. The Garden State. I have not mentioned previously, but St. Catharines is known as the Garden City. Mental note: Avoid places that claim to be gardens. I can sum up that experience with one statement. All of the bridges that I have ever seen connecting the state of New Jersey with New York or Pennsylvania require that you pay to LEAVE New Jersey. Apparently, the sign on I80 as you enter Pennsylvania used to read "Pennsylvania - America starts here." The folks in New Jersey purported took offense to the point that the sign had to be removed. But I digress.
Moving forward to the Spring of 2006. I am happily living in St. Catharines (once again or still depending on which tax agency you work for), but driving to the far north end of Toronto. It's a 160 mile (that's right... miles not kilometers) round trip through some of the most congested and suicidal highways in North America. By that point I had been pounding the pavement for a little over 18 months and I was reaching the end of my rope. I was using business trips as a way to recuperate from commuting. At about the time my manager said that he was going to start cutting back on travel, I got a frantic email from my first boss (the guy who hired me back in St. Catharines.) He had just offered a job by a biotech start-up in California, and wanted me to come out and work for him. What could I say? It sounded like a great idea. So did below grade land in Florida or Louisiana.
The first frantic call came in February 2007. That was about the time that I had ripped the bathroom apart and then headed off for a week long business trip, leaving my wife and four year old son with only a working toilet. (I worked very hard to make sure that they had at least that amenity.) I enjoyed my week at the Crowne Plaza so much, that packing up and moving across the continent seemed like a good idea. I had until the following September before everything came to pass.
In retrospect six months should have been lots of time to come to my senses, but alas, some men are born fools. I believe that among them, I must be king. At the time however, it seemed like a good idea.
So... we sold our house (at about the top of the housing market), had the movers come and get the majority of our stuff, and loaded the rest into a Uhaul trailer.
We left St. Catharines at about 10:00 pm on September 26, 2007. I remember it well. The trailer was packed full, the car topper was loaded, and we had crap tied on top of it. It looked like the truck from the Beverly Hillbillies. Unfortunately, our poor 2001 Nissan Sentra was not designed to handle such burdens, and the rear bumper nearly dragged the ground. In fact, I think that we bottomed out leaving the driveway.
We crossed Southwestern Ontario without incident. When we hit the border at Port Huron Michigan, things started going to hell. The crossing went easily enough. Unfortunately it started a paperwork nightmare that would not be cleared up for another nine months. When I told the border officer that we were moving to California, I would have thought that it would have been a clue to check for I94s in all of our passports, and perhaps ask us if we wished to import our car. Neither of those things were done. It was 2:00am by that point, however and we were too focused on making it to our hotel room in Lansing to care.
We spent the next four days dragging an overloaded trailer across the continent, facing road construction and 60mph head winds all the way through Nebraska and Wyoming. My wife almost sent us off the side of a cliff coming into Salt Lake City when the constant barrage of traffic cones in the dark finally did its job and disoriented her to the point of not knowing where the road was. Of course our severely autistic son had never been on a road trip like this and spent many hours screaming at the top of his lungs.
I can sum the trip up like this. One of our son's therapists got him this lady bug toy that sings "Sort, sort, sort your shapes. Circles hearts and squares." I still have nightmares about that song.
We did make it to California without major incident, and got set up in our hotel. All we had to do was find a place to live before the truck came with our stuff. Oh yeah... and import the car, and get drivers licenses. Remember the lack of paperwork on the part of my wife? It's really hard to get a license when you can't prove that you are not an illegal alien. (Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along? I won't do anything wrong.)
After one day of rest, I started work. There are four people on the engineering team for the new product. The team consisted of myself, my boss, a sarcastic British guy (like I have ever met any other type of British guy), and "a Silicon Valley Veteran" who would later come to be known as Captain Fantastic.
Let the games begin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
