For several several weeks Buffalo Bill kept asking me if the Sarcastic Brit was still angry with him. Of course, he repeated the same (bus throwing) comments at every opportunity, which probably didn't help with the Brit's anger levels.
In order to speed up the project, the Sarcastic Brit and I decided to take over all actual design tasks. I am roughly as good as a six year old with one of those big, fat pencils, which puts me light years ahead of Buffalo Bill with his crayon. This prompted a post-it note on Bill's monitor. It said "You are a nobody. Just shut up and do the drawings."
Unfortunately, Bill had been ordering the parts he was drafting as well. It was chaos. We had five times too many of some parts, and were missing other parts entirely. Fly Boy was hired to sort out the bill of materials and do the purchasing. This further upset Bill, as he considered documentation and purchasing to be two things that he could do very well. His record spoke for itself. We hired a replacement.
After several months of worsening attitude and performance, the Sarcastic Brit found a letter on his desk. I have only changed the names. My comments are in blue.
How I have been ripped off by the Mecca
6 months of not paying the appropriate taxes. apparently he lacked the discipline to withold his own taxes
Loss of 3 holidays and a weeks vacation pay isn't that the 5% you refused to take in pay cut?
When I was claimed overtime pay I was paid straighty time not time and a half. no tears from me. I am salaried and routinely work unpaid overtime
When I go direct (permanent) how I will be ripped off. News flash: your work and attitude have been so crappy that it won't happen now
Time of service will start when ever the management get around to it. or when hell freezes over
At some point there will be a proclamation that will benefit those people who were direct employees as a date prior to my official start date but after I was here date. It appears that you have been drinking Swiper's Cool-Aid.
FYI I started March 10, 2009
When everyone else is brought back to their previous levels, I will not be recognized in that group because I came in afterwards. I will be told that I should have negotiated for a higher wage when I was hired. What can I say? You're delusional.
Stock price on March 10, 2009 was around $1.20 a share.... it has gone up Talk to EWA
Either the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger will be fired and I will be left to complete the project; Or I will be fired as the sacrifical lamb. Either way, I will be screwed. OK...
Why do I stay? Because you are a loser.
The short Commute and flexibility. and incredible levels of insanity
Working with the Sarcastic Brit and Harbinger Don't forget Jar Jar!
The opportunity to work in a company that has potential if management allows it too. Management is definitely anti-potential.
The Sarcastic Brit had heard enough. He passed the paper on to Human Resources, and we had a meeting in which we decided that Buffalo Bill had to go.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
New warning on CAD software: Contains chemicals known to cause psychopathic behavior in the state of California Part I
I am starting to think that all mechanical designers have a tendency to become delusional, crazy @ssholes. Buffalo Bill has been on a steady decline since starting at the Mecca last March.
When Buffalo Bill contacted the Sarcastic Brit, looking for a job, it looked like a fortuitous turn of events. Bill had worked for the Mecca for a couple of months as a temp, before landing a full time job elsewhere. Bill had not really caused any troubles and seemed like a quiet, hard working guy. We all liked him well enough and he wasn't a trouble maker.
When Bill left, we hired the CAD Jockey. He admitted to being a wee bit paranoid and delusional, and claimed to be much worse when his allergies were acting up and he was on his antihistamines. When his term ended (with my ineffectual boss firing him, and earning himself the moniker "punk @ss m*therf#cker") we were in need of mechanical design support. Since we deemed Bill unlikely to use such colourful phrases, we figured that he would be a perfect fit. He was hired on a contract basis (due to the fact that the Mecca was basically out of money and couldn't afford the extra burden of an additional salaried employee), but was promised a full time position once the funding came in.
Since Bill nominally reported to the Sarcastic Brit, the Sarcastic Brit was responsible for the negotiations that would make Bill full time. At that point, the Sarcastic Brit had reservations. Buffalo Bill had turned what he had originally scoped out to be a four week project into a six month project (and counting). His time lines had been wildly wrong, and a three year old with a crayon could have come up with more elegant designs. He kept telling us that he was "much more than a draftsman". We should have been worried! Indeed, he has a BSc in project managment (what the hell kind of major is that?), yet was unable to differentiate between a four week project and one that would last for eight months.
The fact that his designs were bad wasn't so awful. After all, we had only used him as a drafter before, and not as a mechanical designer. The larger problem was his chronic underestimation of when he would be finished. I was starting to look like a dork every time I had to report them to Swiper.
The Sarcastic Brit entered negotiations with a salary figure budgeted. It would require a pay cut of a few bucks an hour to cover the medical insurance, vacation pay, and other overhead that comes with being full time. Buffalo Bill didn't like it, but he agreed to it. However, he never signed it.
The next day, he went to my ineffectual boss to try his hand at negotiation once again. Apparently, he felt that the Sarcastic Brit was being cheap because he wasn't authorized to offer more. Perhaps he just thought that the Sarcastic Brit knew his work too well. Mr. Ineffectual offered him a five percent pay cut from his contract pay. When you figure the 4% in vacation time and stat holidays, this seemed pretty generous to me. Buffalo Bill however, decided that he could do better if he just held out.
Unfortunately for Buffalo Bill, his ability to assess advantage is about as good as his ability to figure out how long it will take him to complete a project. He was still working at the Mecca, so why bother pushing through a contract that would cost the company more money? Mr. Ineffectual's refusal to cave on the salary issue didn't help Buffalo Bill's attitude. Of course, his running around behind the Sarcastic Brit's back didn't help that relationship any either.
Next came the questions regarding why the project was so far behind schedule. There were many excuses. Some of them were real, such as scope creep in the project. Some of them were politically unwise, like claiming that things were not finished because the Brit was slow to review the drawings. Needless to say, you should not throw the guy who is (at least in title) your boss under the bus.
When Buffalo Bill contacted the Sarcastic Brit, looking for a job, it looked like a fortuitous turn of events. Bill had worked for the Mecca for a couple of months as a temp, before landing a full time job elsewhere. Bill had not really caused any troubles and seemed like a quiet, hard working guy. We all liked him well enough and he wasn't a trouble maker.
When Bill left, we hired the CAD Jockey. He admitted to being a wee bit paranoid and delusional, and claimed to be much worse when his allergies were acting up and he was on his antihistamines. When his term ended (with my ineffectual boss firing him, and earning himself the moniker "punk @ss m*therf#cker") we were in need of mechanical design support. Since we deemed Bill unlikely to use such colourful phrases, we figured that he would be a perfect fit. He was hired on a contract basis (due to the fact that the Mecca was basically out of money and couldn't afford the extra burden of an additional salaried employee), but was promised a full time position once the funding came in.
Since Bill nominally reported to the Sarcastic Brit, the Sarcastic Brit was responsible for the negotiations that would make Bill full time. At that point, the Sarcastic Brit had reservations. Buffalo Bill had turned what he had originally scoped out to be a four week project into a six month project (and counting). His time lines had been wildly wrong, and a three year old with a crayon could have come up with more elegant designs. He kept telling us that he was "much more than a draftsman". We should have been worried! Indeed, he has a BSc in project managment (what the hell kind of major is that?), yet was unable to differentiate between a four week project and one that would last for eight months.
The fact that his designs were bad wasn't so awful. After all, we had only used him as a drafter before, and not as a mechanical designer. The larger problem was his chronic underestimation of when he would be finished. I was starting to look like a dork every time I had to report them to Swiper.
The Sarcastic Brit entered negotiations with a salary figure budgeted. It would require a pay cut of a few bucks an hour to cover the medical insurance, vacation pay, and other overhead that comes with being full time. Buffalo Bill didn't like it, but he agreed to it. However, he never signed it.
The next day, he went to my ineffectual boss to try his hand at negotiation once again. Apparently, he felt that the Sarcastic Brit was being cheap because he wasn't authorized to offer more. Perhaps he just thought that the Sarcastic Brit knew his work too well. Mr. Ineffectual offered him a five percent pay cut from his contract pay. When you figure the 4% in vacation time and stat holidays, this seemed pretty generous to me. Buffalo Bill however, decided that he could do better if he just held out.
Unfortunately for Buffalo Bill, his ability to assess advantage is about as good as his ability to figure out how long it will take him to complete a project. He was still working at the Mecca, so why bother pushing through a contract that would cost the company more money? Mr. Ineffectual's refusal to cave on the salary issue didn't help Buffalo Bill's attitude. Of course, his running around behind the Sarcastic Brit's back didn't help that relationship any either.
Next came the questions regarding why the project was so far behind schedule. There were many excuses. Some of them were real, such as scope creep in the project. Some of them were politically unwise, like claiming that things were not finished because the Brit was slow to review the drawings. Needless to say, you should not throw the guy who is (at least in title) your boss under the bus.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Like Rats Fleeing a Sinking Ship
The Sarcastic Brit and I had an interesting conversation with the Enlightened One on Thursday. He had been off for a week due to a bout of Bronchitis. Since he is technically retired, and not coming in for the money, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that he would not stress coming in when he was ill.
Unfortunately for the Mecca, he had time to think while he was gone. It seemed that the Enlightened One had become somewhat desensitized to the mayhem and foolishness that is working at the Mecca. Apparently, the Enlightened one had an epiphany: with only one notable exception, the entire senior management team is completely clueless. (Not to mention lying weasels.) They are unable to make a decision, and despite the fact that they are planning on selling instruments very soon, can't even figure out the basic market specifications.
This, coupled with the fact that the Enlightened One (who has done some pretty ground-breaking work in the field) is left managing a couple of clueless, arrogant, and conniving punks (that he refers to as "the children"), has left him questioning if this is really the way he wants to spend his golden years. Although the work is interesting, we are never allowed to finish anything, and are forced to cut so many corners that even good ideas are reduced to stinking turds. The Enlightened One has decided that he can find less frustrating pursuits to occupy his free time. Hence, he decided that he would finish out the week (that just passed) and call it quits.
As of last Friday, he hadn't broken the news to the Fearful COO, who is apparently an old friend of his from way back. I have not yet figured out if he is going to just stop showing up, or if his old friend will convince him that it's worth it to keep showing up.
Jaba (also an old friend of the Enlightened One) was not having a good week. About a month ago, he hired a team lead (to lead his team of duds) who was actually good. She made it about four weeks before deciding that risking her life on the highway for the Mecca was not a good thing to do. She took a rather large demotion (and pay cut) to get out and gave her one week's notice. Although she cited the commute, and the fact that she can walk to her new job as the reason for leaving, it was less than a 20 mile drive, and quite manageable by local standards. I suspect that she was feeling much the same way as the Enlightened One.
Personally, I didn't think things had been any worse lately than they were before. It's amazing how easy it is to get used to the pain.
I believe that this marks the beginning of the end for the Mecca. When the good people start leaving...
And the band played on.
Unfortunately for the Mecca, he had time to think while he was gone. It seemed that the Enlightened One had become somewhat desensitized to the mayhem and foolishness that is working at the Mecca. Apparently, the Enlightened one had an epiphany: with only one notable exception, the entire senior management team is completely clueless. (Not to mention lying weasels.) They are unable to make a decision, and despite the fact that they are planning on selling instruments very soon, can't even figure out the basic market specifications.
This, coupled with the fact that the Enlightened One (who has done some pretty ground-breaking work in the field) is left managing a couple of clueless, arrogant, and conniving punks (that he refers to as "the children"), has left him questioning if this is really the way he wants to spend his golden years. Although the work is interesting, we are never allowed to finish anything, and are forced to cut so many corners that even good ideas are reduced to stinking turds. The Enlightened One has decided that he can find less frustrating pursuits to occupy his free time. Hence, he decided that he would finish out the week (that just passed) and call it quits.
As of last Friday, he hadn't broken the news to the Fearful COO, who is apparently an old friend of his from way back. I have not yet figured out if he is going to just stop showing up, or if his old friend will convince him that it's worth it to keep showing up.
Jaba (also an old friend of the Enlightened One) was not having a good week. About a month ago, he hired a team lead (to lead his team of duds) who was actually good. She made it about four weeks before deciding that risking her life on the highway for the Mecca was not a good thing to do. She took a rather large demotion (and pay cut) to get out and gave her one week's notice. Although she cited the commute, and the fact that she can walk to her new job as the reason for leaving, it was less than a 20 mile drive, and quite manageable by local standards. I suspect that she was feeling much the same way as the Enlightened One.
Personally, I didn't think things had been any worse lately than they were before. It's amazing how easy it is to get used to the pain.
I believe that this marks the beginning of the end for the Mecca. When the good people start leaving...
And the band played on.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
What did you say this thing had to do?
The drawer assembly in the prototype instrument was designed by Captain Fantastic. Needless to say, it was - you guessed it - fantastic. Among its problems, it required alignment of the drawer position with respect to the stuff that was under the drawer. This should not have been a problem, as the alignment was in the direction of the drawer movement. The alignment can be done by moving the position of the switch that tells the machine when the drawer is closed. There was only one problem - you couldn't get to the limit switch while the thing was assembled, so alignment required testing the position, ripping the thing apart, adjusting the switch, putting it back together and doing it all over again (and again... and again...)
We asked Buffalo Bill to take a look at it. He spent several days, and complained mightily about how hard of a problem it was. Of course I was busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project and didn't figure that I would have much to offer the "mechanical designer" in the way of assistance. The Sarcastic Brit didn't figure that the problem was worthy of his attention either, as he was also very busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project. The result was that we told Buffalo Bill to "just sort it out and make it work". Bill was very proud of the resulting design. It had cute little brackets, and he had moved everything around. But, it was completely adjustable.
We got the parts in last week to test them out. The switches were in the wrong place. No matter, it was only a couple of milimeters and we could worry about it later. The next thing I noticed was that I couldn't get to the switches when the thing was assembled. Of course I only had one of the two switches in place. It's too late to mess with it though... so we will have to live with it. I decided to just install the other switch. So... I took the thing apart and installed the other switch. I quickly noticed however, that it was impossible to assemble the thing when both of the switches were in place. At this point, the "Fantastic" solution was looking pretty good.
Thankfully, we have a big scrap metal bin with all of the old parts in it. Flyboy keeps offering to take it to the scap metal dealer for us, and I keep resisting. I was reminded of the old Hercules cartoons where the Centaur is rooting through the dead tree to find Herc's bow and arrows or other crap. There were pieces of metal all over the lab floor, but at last, I found the pieces!
I started looking at the design... I knew how to do it... all I had to do was cut a hole through the top of the drawer for the limit switches. Feeling very proud of myself, I went to find Buffalo Bill to tell him about the problem, and the solution.
Buffalo Bill took the news pretty well. He had kind of figured (so he said anyway) that it would require three wrists to adjust the swtich position. He assured me again that it was very difficult to figure out how to do it, and that his design was the only way to fit everything in. I suggested that we would have to move the switches to the other side. He responded that there was no room there. But... that's where they were before he moved them.
Finally, I was forced to walk away. It was Friday afternoon, and I wasn't going to worry about the fact that our mechanical designer (with about 25 years of experience) couldn't figure out how to design the pieces, even after I told him how to do so. It looks like Monday will be mechanical design day for me.
We asked Buffalo Bill to take a look at it. He spent several days, and complained mightily about how hard of a problem it was. Of course I was busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project and didn't figure that I would have much to offer the "mechanical designer" in the way of assistance. The Sarcastic Brit didn't figure that the problem was worthy of his attention either, as he was also very busy with another "urgent, critical, do-or-die" project. The result was that we told Buffalo Bill to "just sort it out and make it work". Bill was very proud of the resulting design. It had cute little brackets, and he had moved everything around. But, it was completely adjustable.
We got the parts in last week to test them out. The switches were in the wrong place. No matter, it was only a couple of milimeters and we could worry about it later. The next thing I noticed was that I couldn't get to the switches when the thing was assembled. Of course I only had one of the two switches in place. It's too late to mess with it though... so we will have to live with it. I decided to just install the other switch. So... I took the thing apart and installed the other switch. I quickly noticed however, that it was impossible to assemble the thing when both of the switches were in place. At this point, the "Fantastic" solution was looking pretty good.
Thankfully, we have a big scrap metal bin with all of the old parts in it. Flyboy keeps offering to take it to the scap metal dealer for us, and I keep resisting. I was reminded of the old Hercules cartoons where the Centaur is rooting through the dead tree to find Herc's bow and arrows or other crap. There were pieces of metal all over the lab floor, but at last, I found the pieces!
I started looking at the design... I knew how to do it... all I had to do was cut a hole through the top of the drawer for the limit switches. Feeling very proud of myself, I went to find Buffalo Bill to tell him about the problem, and the solution.
Buffalo Bill took the news pretty well. He had kind of figured (so he said anyway) that it would require three wrists to adjust the swtich position. He assured me again that it was very difficult to figure out how to do it, and that his design was the only way to fit everything in. I suggested that we would have to move the switches to the other side. He responded that there was no room there. But... that's where they were before he moved them.
Finally, I was forced to walk away. It was Friday afternoon, and I wasn't going to worry about the fact that our mechanical designer (with about 25 years of experience) couldn't figure out how to design the pieces, even after I told him how to do so. It looks like Monday will be mechanical design day for me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
OSHA 11
I took a tour of the lab with the Sarcastic Brit the other day. It was scary.
Jar Jar has been using the ionizing air gun that the Sarcastic Brit "sent him to the Home Depot" for. Although the gun was rated for 40 PSI, it wasn't blowing hard enough, so Jar Jar took it upon himself to connect the gun to a nitrogen cylinder at 150PSI. Don't worry about the crazing in the plastic canister that holds the filter. It's alright. Really.
The Sarcastic Brit sent an email out to the company advising that people should read the safety precautions on things and not do dumb stuff like connecting the ionizer at 3+ times the rated pressure.
The response was classic Biotech Mecca. Our boss (Mr. Ineffectual) took the Sarcastic Brit into his office and chewed him out for broadcasting such a stupid thing as a health and safety issue to the entire company.
Hence, our lab walk through. Let us start at the back door. Less than four feet from the door (in the traffic pattern), resting on a plastic garbage can (with a lid that isn't flat) are two gallon bottles of a concentrated mixture of phosphoric, nitric and acetic acid. Not to worry, it's on a level surface... or not. It's out of the way... or not. It's safe... or not.
Next, we will move on to the four additional gallons sitting in the crate in the middle of the floor. Then, there are the (still) uncorked carboys containing the concentrated nitric acid/hexane mixture. Of course all of this stuff is within five feet of the door, and very much in the traffic pattern. It's alright, we only have to dodge landmines of concentrated acid to get to work. No problem. Perhaps somebody should reintroduce Jar Jar to the acid cabinet.
Next, there is the sink. This particular sink is a laundry tub (of the cheap Walmart variety.) It is not plumbed in, as the landlord doesn't want his tenants to actually use the building. But... we really need a sink there. No problem. We will just place this five gallon pail (open of course) under the sink to catch the waste. And guess what - two more gallon bottles of concentrated acid are sitting in the sink.
Now, we haven't even got to the heinous stuff yet. Remember that Email? Either Jar Jar or Princes Amidala decided to provide a bit of insurance against the ionizing air gun blowing up, so they carved a couple of holes in a plastic tool box to create secondary blast mitigation. I wonder what the blast rating is on a $5 plastic tool box.
Closer inspection revealed something even more interesting. Apparently, Jar Jar ran out of nitrogen. No problem, the plasma asher is right there, and it has a gas bottle. All gas bottles are the same, right? The regulator doesn't fit. That's ok, we will just swap over the gun to the new regulator. The bottles are both green. They are the same thing right?
What do you get when you run oxygen through an ionizer. Only ozone. Carry on. Nothing to see here. We're just filling the lab up with ozone. It's ok to breath. No strong oxidizers here.
We reported the issues to Mr. Ineffectual (who is supposedly Princess Amidala's boss, who is now supposedly Jar Jar's boss). He said that he will look into it.
I suggested that the Sarcastic Brit's next health and safety email be sent to a different organization. Perhaps OSHA.
It's strange. EWA once referred to Jar Jar as "a douche bag with the cranial capacity of a walnut." Everybody thought that he was out of line. There were several complaints. My only complaint was that he wasn't harsh enough. Eventially Princess Amidala and Mr. Ineffectual will be unable to defend him. My only fear is what the event will be. Will burning down the building and killing the majority of the Mecca's employees be sufficient. Probably not -Swiper probably wouldn't notice if the company were gone anyway.
Jar Jar has been using the ionizing air gun that the Sarcastic Brit "sent him to the Home Depot" for. Although the gun was rated for 40 PSI, it wasn't blowing hard enough, so Jar Jar took it upon himself to connect the gun to a nitrogen cylinder at 150PSI. Don't worry about the crazing in the plastic canister that holds the filter. It's alright. Really.
The Sarcastic Brit sent an email out to the company advising that people should read the safety precautions on things and not do dumb stuff like connecting the ionizer at 3+ times the rated pressure.
The response was classic Biotech Mecca. Our boss (Mr. Ineffectual) took the Sarcastic Brit into his office and chewed him out for broadcasting such a stupid thing as a health and safety issue to the entire company.
Hence, our lab walk through. Let us start at the back door. Less than four feet from the door (in the traffic pattern), resting on a plastic garbage can (with a lid that isn't flat) are two gallon bottles of a concentrated mixture of phosphoric, nitric and acetic acid. Not to worry, it's on a level surface... or not. It's out of the way... or not. It's safe... or not.
Next, we will move on to the four additional gallons sitting in the crate in the middle of the floor. Then, there are the (still) uncorked carboys containing the concentrated nitric acid/hexane mixture. Of course all of this stuff is within five feet of the door, and very much in the traffic pattern. It's alright, we only have to dodge landmines of concentrated acid to get to work. No problem. Perhaps somebody should reintroduce Jar Jar to the acid cabinet.
Next, there is the sink. This particular sink is a laundry tub (of the cheap Walmart variety.) It is not plumbed in, as the landlord doesn't want his tenants to actually use the building. But... we really need a sink there. No problem. We will just place this five gallon pail (open of course) under the sink to catch the waste. And guess what - two more gallon bottles of concentrated acid are sitting in the sink.
Now, we haven't even got to the heinous stuff yet. Remember that Email? Either Jar Jar or Princes Amidala decided to provide a bit of insurance against the ionizing air gun blowing up, so they carved a couple of holes in a plastic tool box to create secondary blast mitigation. I wonder what the blast rating is on a $5 plastic tool box.
Closer inspection revealed something even more interesting. Apparently, Jar Jar ran out of nitrogen. No problem, the plasma asher is right there, and it has a gas bottle. All gas bottles are the same, right? The regulator doesn't fit. That's ok, we will just swap over the gun to the new regulator. The bottles are both green. They are the same thing right?
What do you get when you run oxygen through an ionizer. Only ozone. Carry on. Nothing to see here. We're just filling the lab up with ozone. It's ok to breath. No strong oxidizers here.
We reported the issues to Mr. Ineffectual (who is supposedly Princess Amidala's boss, who is now supposedly Jar Jar's boss). He said that he will look into it.
I suggested that the Sarcastic Brit's next health and safety email be sent to a different organization. Perhaps OSHA.
It's strange. EWA once referred to Jar Jar as "a douche bag with the cranial capacity of a walnut." Everybody thought that he was out of line. There were several complaints. My only complaint was that he wasn't harsh enough. Eventially Princess Amidala and Mr. Ineffectual will be unable to defend him. My only fear is what the event will be. Will burning down the building and killing the majority of the Mecca's employees be sufficient. Probably not -Swiper probably wouldn't notice if the company were gone anyway.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
PT Barnum VS EWA
There is a sucker born every minute. Perhaps every sucker has a minute when they realize that they're it. Apparently, EWA had that moment recently. Last time I talked to him, he confessed that he and his wife were talking (and apparently drinking) a while back and he burst out laughing. It finally dawned on him that when you enter the room as the big, bad Wall Street money man, and then Engineers start to mock you for ponying up the dough based on false press releases, you should run.
Perhaps it wouldn't have been as painful for him had he come to the Mecca and looked at what we had. Perhaps it wouldn't have been as painful had he done some homework before throwing in the money. Perhaps he is just willing to pay for a good story. I'm quite often happy to give a couple of bucks to people begging in front of the grocery store. If they tell me a good hard luck story, I feel better for giving them my loose change. Perhaps it makes investment bankers feel good to give down and out companies a couple of million for a good story. The net effect is the same. The money won't go to improving the recipients lot - it will only be spent on cheap booze and hookers.
The moral of the story - if the engineers mock you - Run. Run fast, run far, and don't forget to take your money with you. I doubt that EWA will forget that lesson any time soon.
For now, the count stands as follows:
EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 1
Swiper: 26 million duped and counting.
Perhaps it wouldn't have been as painful for him had he come to the Mecca and looked at what we had. Perhaps it wouldn't have been as painful had he done some homework before throwing in the money. Perhaps he is just willing to pay for a good story. I'm quite often happy to give a couple of bucks to people begging in front of the grocery store. If they tell me a good hard luck story, I feel better for giving them my loose change. Perhaps it makes investment bankers feel good to give down and out companies a couple of million for a good story. The net effect is the same. The money won't go to improving the recipients lot - it will only be spent on cheap booze and hookers.
The moral of the story - if the engineers mock you - Run. Run fast, run far, and don't forget to take your money with you. I doubt that EWA will forget that lesson any time soon.
For now, the count stands as follows:
EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 1
Swiper: 26 million duped and counting.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts? (Part 2)
So... the Evil Wall Street Analyst has come and kicked some butt. After much butt kicking, the following events happened:
1) Slimy Indian Barbapapa has been removed as head of Biology. He hasn't been fired though... he's too slimy for that.
2) The CTO (who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag) with a chainsaw has been sacked. Perhaps it was because he was useless. Or perhaps he was a crazy a**hole who was fond of screaming "chicken sh*t" during meetings.
3) The petty thief CFO (who couldn't balance a check book) was fired.
4) Jaba was hired.
I was invited out for beer with EWA, Jaba, my Boss, and the scared COO.
It always amazes me how deep the bullsh!t gets piled when people consume even a couple of beers. Apparently, the acts listed above were all that were needed to solve the company's problems. It didn't matter that the CEO was still a liar, that the COO was scared of the CEO, or that the senior management is still unable to make a decision and stick to it. (Even ordering lunch appears to be a problem.) Perhaps, if the specifications stopped changing, we could build an instrument... but I digress.
It seems also that the CTO and CFO were fired on my say so. WOW, I wield a lot of power. Why do I constantly feel that I am speaking to the wall? Why did I have to lobby for a month to fire a consultant who feels that it's fine to come in to work between the hours of three and six in the morning, and also vehemently believes that pneumatic actuators provide more force when held upright than they do if you flip them upside down? Of course, this guy also believes that a proper vacuum seal should use a nice soft, rubber gasket. Really? Apparently, the perveyors of O-rings are conducting the largest engineering scam in the history of mankind. And to think that they almost took me in. Yet more digression.
Of course, I told EWA that I wanted to see Indian Barbapapa's head on a pike. (So that I can wave at him... like this.) Instead, it seems that Indian Barbapapa gets to keep his salary... his office... his influence... in fact, all he loses is his workload and responsibility. Some pike! It's not like he lied chronically to the CEO and board regarding the state the biology. It's not like he didn't bother to check the IP on anything. It's not like he didn't try to have everybody who was competent and question his lies unceremoniously sacked. It's not like he's key to the fact that every member of the biology team (people he hired personally) is an incompetent liar, trained by him personally. It's not like he is still trying to subvert his replacement (Jaba). Again, I digress. Needless to say, the pike has yet to be forthcoming. But, I am a patient man. EWA promised, after all. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.
1) Slimy Indian Barbapapa has been removed as head of Biology. He hasn't been fired though... he's too slimy for that.
2) The CTO (who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag) with a chainsaw has been sacked. Perhaps it was because he was useless. Or perhaps he was a crazy a**hole who was fond of screaming "chicken sh*t" during meetings.
3) The petty thief CFO (who couldn't balance a check book) was fired.
4) Jaba was hired.
I was invited out for beer with EWA, Jaba, my Boss, and the scared COO.
It always amazes me how deep the bullsh!t gets piled when people consume even a couple of beers. Apparently, the acts listed above were all that were needed to solve the company's problems. It didn't matter that the CEO was still a liar, that the COO was scared of the CEO, or that the senior management is still unable to make a decision and stick to it. (Even ordering lunch appears to be a problem.) Perhaps, if the specifications stopped changing, we could build an instrument... but I digress.
It seems also that the CTO and CFO were fired on my say so. WOW, I wield a lot of power. Why do I constantly feel that I am speaking to the wall? Why did I have to lobby for a month to fire a consultant who feels that it's fine to come in to work between the hours of three and six in the morning, and also vehemently believes that pneumatic actuators provide more force when held upright than they do if you flip them upside down? Of course, this guy also believes that a proper vacuum seal should use a nice soft, rubber gasket. Really? Apparently, the perveyors of O-rings are conducting the largest engineering scam in the history of mankind. And to think that they almost took me in. Yet more digression.
Of course, I told EWA that I wanted to see Indian Barbapapa's head on a pike. (So that I can wave at him... like this.) Instead, it seems that Indian Barbapapa gets to keep his salary... his office... his influence... in fact, all he loses is his workload and responsibility. Some pike! It's not like he lied chronically to the CEO and board regarding the state the biology. It's not like he didn't bother to check the IP on anything. It's not like he didn't try to have everybody who was competent and question his lies unceremoniously sacked. It's not like he's key to the fact that every member of the biology team (people he hired personally) is an incompetent liar, trained by him personally. It's not like he is still trying to subvert his replacement (Jaba). Again, I digress. Needless to say, the pike has yet to be forthcoming. But, I am a patient man. EWA promised, after all. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Screen Fairy Has Arrived
First off, for my regular readers, I must apologize yet again for taking a brief hiatus from writing. The impotent situation at the Mecca has forced me to seek an outlet. I have been conquering the world, playing a very old version of Sid Meyer's Civilization - possibly one of the best computer games ever conceived. Perhaps I should start referring to Swiper as "Oh most untrustworthy leader of the infidels." I guess that could be taken a less than a compliment.
Anyway, on to today's fun and games.
The conference room at the Mecca has the usual crap - the polycon conference phone that hisses madly (even when not in use) whenever it is in the presence of a cell phone. (Please turn your phones off before entering the meeting room.) A projector that isn't bright enough to be seen except at night, during a lunar eclipse that occurs during a complete failure of all street lights, and of course - the screen from hell.
When the contractors installed the screen two years ago, they made two mistakes. First, they did not mount it in centre of the wall (directly across from the middle of the conference table), and they mounted it upside down. The end result of this quality work was that the screen wouldn't stay down and the projector gave a very nice trapezoidal image when it was placed in the middle of the conference table.
At the time the thing was mounted, the Sarcastic Brit mentioned to the CFO that perhaps he should call the contractors back in to fix it. He did not, and we have lived with it for two years. Why fix the problem? Trapezoids are interesting and will add spice to any presentation. As for the screen not staying down - we are the Biotech Mecca. Anything is possible for us. Hey... that router plugged in directly below the screen - if we just tie this Ethernet cable in a knot, we can loop it around the router plug, and the screen will stay down. Except of course, when it unplugs the router. Ce n'est pas un problème!
Today, the Dragon Lady approached me and practically begged me to fix the screen. Apparently the quality installation caught the eye of several of the board members. They pointed out that our screen installation gave the suggestion that we were either incapable of fixing the problem, or didn't care about fixing the problem. Of course, they probably should have been more focused on the fact that the company is going down the crapper, but it would seem that the correct mounting of the screen is critical to the success of the company. Of course they probably wouldn't have noticed it, had the account who does our SOX compliance not rushed into the conference room and put the screen up (in front of half of the board members) in order to prevent them from seeing how badly the thing was mounted. Then again, they have all seen that screen many times, so I'm not sure why he was so worried about it this time.
Not wanting to upset the Dragon Lady, I headed into the conference room this afternoon to fix it. The accountant who does our SOX compliance was right there. You need help - I will tell Jar Jar to do this tomorrow. First of all, why would HE tell Jar Jar to do it, seeing as Jar Jar supposedly reports to me. (Of course I told my boss that I refused to manage such a collosal waste of space...) Second of all, I am sure that there are laws against people like Jar Jar hanging heavy objects above head height.
So, I went into the lab to find mounting hardware. We used to have a bunch of screws and stuff, but alas it was small enough to fit in somebody's pocket, so all of the useful hardware grew feet and walked away. I did find some quarter inch butterfly style wall anchors though, but the heads of the bolts were collosal and didn't fit. I took my treasures back to the conference room and set to work.
I managed to get the hangers over the bolt heads (barely) when the Sarcastic Brit came in and suggested that agressive pulling on the screen would likely result in sombody getting a projector on the head. Certainly that would be expected of Jar Jar, but I should probably do better myself. Then again, perhaps the thing would fall and take out two or three lying weasels. Maybe it would even take out Swiper. Too good to be true. I considered the use of Duct Tape, and decided that although my inner Candian approved, it wasn't the way things were done in Silicon Valley. Instead, I fastened the screen in place with cable ties. They are rated for 50 pounds. I figure that anybody who pulls on the screen with more than 100 pounds of force is BEGGING to have a screen split their skull. I wonder if there is a way to get Swiper to test it.
The long and short of the situation: My time is better spent fixing the projector screen than solving the issues with the company's technology. After all, how can you get any work done with those damn distracting Ethernet cables spoiling your presentations? And yes... I did mount the centre of the screen directly across from the centre of the table.
Anyway, on to today's fun and games.
The conference room at the Mecca has the usual crap - the polycon conference phone that hisses madly (even when not in use) whenever it is in the presence of a cell phone. (Please turn your phones off before entering the meeting room.) A projector that isn't bright enough to be seen except at night, during a lunar eclipse that occurs during a complete failure of all street lights, and of course - the screen from hell.
When the contractors installed the screen two years ago, they made two mistakes. First, they did not mount it in centre of the wall (directly across from the middle of the conference table), and they mounted it upside down. The end result of this quality work was that the screen wouldn't stay down and the projector gave a very nice trapezoidal image when it was placed in the middle of the conference table.
At the time the thing was mounted, the Sarcastic Brit mentioned to the CFO that perhaps he should call the contractors back in to fix it. He did not, and we have lived with it for two years. Why fix the problem? Trapezoids are interesting and will add spice to any presentation. As for the screen not staying down - we are the Biotech Mecca. Anything is possible for us. Hey... that router plugged in directly below the screen - if we just tie this Ethernet cable in a knot, we can loop it around the router plug, and the screen will stay down. Except of course, when it unplugs the router. Ce n'est pas un problème!
Today, the Dragon Lady approached me and practically begged me to fix the screen. Apparently the quality installation caught the eye of several of the board members. They pointed out that our screen installation gave the suggestion that we were either incapable of fixing the problem, or didn't care about fixing the problem. Of course, they probably should have been more focused on the fact that the company is going down the crapper, but it would seem that the correct mounting of the screen is critical to the success of the company. Of course they probably wouldn't have noticed it, had the account who does our SOX compliance not rushed into the conference room and put the screen up (in front of half of the board members) in order to prevent them from seeing how badly the thing was mounted. Then again, they have all seen that screen many times, so I'm not sure why he was so worried about it this time.
Not wanting to upset the Dragon Lady, I headed into the conference room this afternoon to fix it. The accountant who does our SOX compliance was right there. You need help - I will tell Jar Jar to do this tomorrow. First of all, why would HE tell Jar Jar to do it, seeing as Jar Jar supposedly reports to me. (Of course I told my boss that I refused to manage such a collosal waste of space...) Second of all, I am sure that there are laws against people like Jar Jar hanging heavy objects above head height.
So, I went into the lab to find mounting hardware. We used to have a bunch of screws and stuff, but alas it was small enough to fit in somebody's pocket, so all of the useful hardware grew feet and walked away. I did find some quarter inch butterfly style wall anchors though, but the heads of the bolts were collosal and didn't fit. I took my treasures back to the conference room and set to work.
I managed to get the hangers over the bolt heads (barely) when the Sarcastic Brit came in and suggested that agressive pulling on the screen would likely result in sombody getting a projector on the head. Certainly that would be expected of Jar Jar, but I should probably do better myself. Then again, perhaps the thing would fall and take out two or three lying weasels. Maybe it would even take out Swiper. Too good to be true. I considered the use of Duct Tape, and decided that although my inner Candian approved, it wasn't the way things were done in Silicon Valley. Instead, I fastened the screen in place with cable ties. They are rated for 50 pounds. I figure that anybody who pulls on the screen with more than 100 pounds of force is BEGGING to have a screen split their skull. I wonder if there is a way to get Swiper to test it.
The long and short of the situation: My time is better spent fixing the projector screen than solving the issues with the company's technology. After all, how can you get any work done with those damn distracting Ethernet cables spoiling your presentations? And yes... I did mount the centre of the screen directly across from the centre of the table.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts?
I had an interesting conversation last week with the Mecca's single largest investor. The Evil Wall Street Analyst (EWA). My first encounter with EWA was about six months ago. He had been working for an investment firm in New York as their biotech analyst, and had somehow gotten in touch with one of the Mecca's other investors (who is an anti-biotech analyst) and was convinced that the Mecca's product was the next best thing since sliced bread.
Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.
Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.
He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:
EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.
At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.
After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.
Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.
Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.
He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:
EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.
At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.
After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Team Building Exercises
I have many things that I could write about tonight. I want to tell the story of the Mad Man from Down South, but I'm not sure where to begin. Perhaps I will save that story for later and tell you about the inspirational company meeting we had today.
First, I want to tell you about the core values of the Biotech Mecca. These values were discussed in a company wide waste of time - er... I mean meeting. In addition, each of us were given a laminated wallet card, and posters were hung up around the Mecca.
Core Values
Strong mutual trust in each other
Open communications
Be very goal/results oriented
Value and respect people
Work hard and have fun
To summarize: Be excellent to each other. And, party on... DUDE!
Of course, Swiper missed the critical sixth core value: Just ship it.
Notice also, that honesty and integrity are not among the core values. Perhaps this is because we are expected to be sheep. It is certainly not because Swiper would never dream of being dishonest himself.
This morning we had a "mandatory company wide meeting". Swiper started to drone on about how this was his fifth company that he has built up, and at all of his other companies, there had been a sense of excitement. The employees at his previous companies were good little workers and worked lots of extra hours. They were really excited about their work, and there was a pervasive sense of ownership. The "inspirational talk" didn't threaten us with certain doom should we fail, nor did it promise us riches beyond our wildest dreams should we succeed. Like our flagship product, it did nothing particularly useful. He told us that we should be excited to be among the first employees of what was most certainly going to be a company with several hundred people. To what end? After such a weak pep talk, could things have gotten worse? You bet! Let's open up the floor to questions. Imagine the worst type of political town hall meeting, where you know that all of the questions are staged.
The Slimy Indian Barbapapa told us how we were on the cusp of being bought out (and presumably all being made rich). I have some swampland in Florida too.
Jaba told us that we had such great collaborators that all we had to do was give them a product. Which we can't get to work...
The scared COO told us how well placed we are in the marketplace... that people were seeking us out to use our technology. Which we can't get to work...
Too bad nearly every employee in the company fits one of three categories
- Pissed off beyond redemption
- Lazy, lying, trouble making backstabbers
- Simply clueless.
It's no wonder there is no sense of excitement and ownership. Group A spends their time avoiding group B for fear of being stabbed in the back, and group C because they are unpredictable, hence probably even more dangerous.
If one were to poll the engineering team at the Mecca, one would find that well over half of the group would answer the question "Why do you work here?" with "I haven't found a better (ANY other) job yet.
Swiper could have used the opportunity to single out people who had just worked very hard to deliver on a recent project for which the schedule was very tight. He could not do that, however, as I was leading that project, and my enemies are too powerful.
How was I thanked for delivering an alpha prototype of something that I was told meant the life or death of the company? I got promoted the position of glorified assembly technician. Am I surprised? No. My boss didn't want my management duties to take away from my concentration on turning three screws and passing the set.
All in all, it was an inspiration day at the Mecca.
Tomorrow should be even better. Myself, the Sarcastic Brit, the fearful COO, and Human Resources are getting together to discuss the degeneration of Buffalo Bill's attitude. He left a paper on the Sarcastic Brit's desk entitled "How I am getting screwed by the Biotech Mecca". Enough said? Buffalo Bill is perhaps the only person at the Mecca that openly makes my attitude look good.
I'll keep you posted.
First, I want to tell you about the core values of the Biotech Mecca. These values were discussed in a company wide waste of time - er... I mean meeting. In addition, each of us were given a laminated wallet card, and posters were hung up around the Mecca.
Core Values
Strong mutual trust in each other
Open communications
Be very goal/results oriented
Value and respect people
Work hard and have fun
To summarize: Be excellent to each other. And, party on... DUDE!
Of course, Swiper missed the critical sixth core value: Just ship it.
Notice also, that honesty and integrity are not among the core values. Perhaps this is because we are expected to be sheep. It is certainly not because Swiper would never dream of being dishonest himself.
This morning we had a "mandatory company wide meeting". Swiper started to drone on about how this was his fifth company that he has built up, and at all of his other companies, there had been a sense of excitement. The employees at his previous companies were good little workers and worked lots of extra hours. They were really excited about their work, and there was a pervasive sense of ownership. The "inspirational talk" didn't threaten us with certain doom should we fail, nor did it promise us riches beyond our wildest dreams should we succeed. Like our flagship product, it did nothing particularly useful. He told us that we should be excited to be among the first employees of what was most certainly going to be a company with several hundred people. To what end? After such a weak pep talk, could things have gotten worse? You bet! Let's open up the floor to questions. Imagine the worst type of political town hall meeting, where you know that all of the questions are staged.
The Slimy Indian Barbapapa told us how we were on the cusp of being bought out (and presumably all being made rich). I have some swampland in Florida too.
Jaba told us that we had such great collaborators that all we had to do was give them a product. Which we can't get to work...
The scared COO told us how well placed we are in the marketplace... that people were seeking us out to use our technology. Which we can't get to work...
Too bad nearly every employee in the company fits one of three categories
- Pissed off beyond redemption
- Lazy, lying, trouble making backstabbers
- Simply clueless.
It's no wonder there is no sense of excitement and ownership. Group A spends their time avoiding group B for fear of being stabbed in the back, and group C because they are unpredictable, hence probably even more dangerous.
If one were to poll the engineering team at the Mecca, one would find that well over half of the group would answer the question "Why do you work here?" with "I haven't found a better (ANY other) job yet.
Swiper could have used the opportunity to single out people who had just worked very hard to deliver on a recent project for which the schedule was very tight. He could not do that, however, as I was leading that project, and my enemies are too powerful.
How was I thanked for delivering an alpha prototype of something that I was told meant the life or death of the company? I got promoted the position of glorified assembly technician. Am I surprised? No. My boss didn't want my management duties to take away from my concentration on turning three screws and passing the set.
All in all, it was an inspiration day at the Mecca.
Tomorrow should be even better. Myself, the Sarcastic Brit, the fearful COO, and Human Resources are getting together to discuss the degeneration of Buffalo Bill's attitude. He left a paper on the Sarcastic Brit's desk entitled "How I am getting screwed by the Biotech Mecca". Enough said? Buffalo Bill is perhaps the only person at the Mecca that openly makes my attitude look good.
I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Captain Fantastic and the Amazing Dew Point Controller
I don't have any extra special new material tonight, except for my unofficial promotion to instrument assembly tech - watch out Jar Jar! I thought that I would go back to my tales of Captain Fantastic. Tonight, I will explore the tale of the dew point control system.
Early in my time at the Biotech Mecca, the Captain had chosen a dispenser to put the samples into the sample holders. Given the fact that the sample is a very small amount of liquid, and the holder has a whole lot of tiny holes, this is not a trivial feat. The Captain knew what he wanted and bought two of them with confidence. That's a quarter of a million dollars spent without any real qualification to see if it would work. In fact, after two or three man years of effort, we determined that the technology was not suitable, and it was a dumb idea that should have never gotten off of the ground. The crappy design of the dispenser itself isn't what I want to talk about though.
The Captain was charged with finding a way to deal with the fact that it took so long to dispense the whopping 1/2ml of liquid (in 5 million individual drops) that the first wells were completely dried out before the last wells were even dispensed. There is a technique for dealing with this that is well known. If you balance the sample temperature and humidity, you can keep the water from evaporating. Most companies include a dew point controller. The people who made this device thought that keeping the sample hydrated was a dumb idea and did neither. We would have to add that capability to the dispenser. Captain Fantastic, however didn't want to void the warranty by adding water. Apparently, adding a thermoelectric cooler and control electronics, a PLC, some wiring, and a new sample stage would have no effect on the warranty.
The first step was to find a PLC. The only requirements were that it had to be able to interpret the data from the humidity sensor and, if possible, fit in the already full dispenser chassis. Never one to miss the critical requirements, Captain Fantastic found a PLC that fit into the chassis. Apparently, the fact that the sensor response was logarithmic, and the PLC had no log function did not matter.
The Captain contracted his favorite consultant to write the code. Unfortunately, Smee had no idea how to program the PLC. So, she hired a consultant to do the programming for her. Unfortunately, the consultant couldn't figure out how to get the communications to the thermoelectric controller to work, so he hired another consultant to do that work for him. So... the Captain hired a consultant, who hired a consultant, who hired a consultant. This seemed a bit odd to me, but he assured me that it was "the Silicon Valley Way."
And then, there was the hardware. For several weeks the Captain had the mechanical designer (Buffalo Bill's predecessor - and successor) design parts and have them made overnight, only to find that they still didn't fit the next day, and repeat the cycle. Our best machine shops will occasionally do us a favor and turn parts around in a couple of days. I wouldn't dream of asking a shop to turn multiple pieces around over night. I would be even less inclined to go back to them the next day and admit that I screwed up and asked for something that was just wrong. And, can you please forsake your family again tonight to make even more parts that will just be scrapped tomorrow morning anyway. Not so for the Captain. The customer is always right, even when he is a stupid jackass.
Eventually, the modified dispenser was due to ship. This was after I suggested to the electrical engineer that the reason why he kept blowing up thermoelectric coolers was because he was running a 12V part at 24V. Apparently, the Captain didn't read the package before handing the specs to the electrical engineer. Who would have figured.
We shipped out the dispenser (to a test sight on the other side of the continent), and the Mad Man from Down South was sent to install it. I guess he drew the short straw. He took some very lovely pictures of the device with things sticking up at funny angles. He commented on how the thing was put together and was stunned that it had worked at all. The Captain was very quick to site "tampering". Really? The VP of engineering went to our first alpha site and screwed with the device? What had he to gain? I don't know, but Captain Fantastic stuck to his guns.
When the Mad Man from Down South came back armed with pictures and props, the story changed. Then, it was blamed on "high frequency vibrations during shipping that vibrated all of the pieces apart". Really? I don't think that I will ever fly again. What keeps all of the bolts from falling out of the plane? Apparently, it's very common. I must admit that I have never hear of such a thing, and I coordinated service for what was possibly the world's most (strike that... second most) ill conceived device. Those things failed in may ways, but they never once failed because the bolts fell out during air travel. I have heard however, that the change in pressure during the flight can screw up pressure sensors. I find that one only slightly more plausible.
After several weeks of the Captain ordering more parts overnight and visiting the customer site himself (on a one-way ticket), the dew point control system kind of worked. Not that it mattered, the dispenser was unable to successfully put the liquid in the holes anyway.
The Mad Man called Captain fantastic a liar. This hurt the Captain's feelings. Nothing hurts like the truth... so they say.
Early in my time at the Biotech Mecca, the Captain had chosen a dispenser to put the samples into the sample holders. Given the fact that the sample is a very small amount of liquid, and the holder has a whole lot of tiny holes, this is not a trivial feat. The Captain knew what he wanted and bought two of them with confidence. That's a quarter of a million dollars spent without any real qualification to see if it would work. In fact, after two or three man years of effort, we determined that the technology was not suitable, and it was a dumb idea that should have never gotten off of the ground. The crappy design of the dispenser itself isn't what I want to talk about though.
The Captain was charged with finding a way to deal with the fact that it took so long to dispense the whopping 1/2ml of liquid (in 5 million individual drops) that the first wells were completely dried out before the last wells were even dispensed. There is a technique for dealing with this that is well known. If you balance the sample temperature and humidity, you can keep the water from evaporating. Most companies include a dew point controller. The people who made this device thought that keeping the sample hydrated was a dumb idea and did neither. We would have to add that capability to the dispenser. Captain Fantastic, however didn't want to void the warranty by adding water. Apparently, adding a thermoelectric cooler and control electronics, a PLC, some wiring, and a new sample stage would have no effect on the warranty.
The first step was to find a PLC. The only requirements were that it had to be able to interpret the data from the humidity sensor and, if possible, fit in the already full dispenser chassis. Never one to miss the critical requirements, Captain Fantastic found a PLC that fit into the chassis. Apparently, the fact that the sensor response was logarithmic, and the PLC had no log function did not matter.
The Captain contracted his favorite consultant to write the code. Unfortunately, Smee had no idea how to program the PLC. So, she hired a consultant to do the programming for her. Unfortunately, the consultant couldn't figure out how to get the communications to the thermoelectric controller to work, so he hired another consultant to do that work for him. So... the Captain hired a consultant, who hired a consultant, who hired a consultant. This seemed a bit odd to me, but he assured me that it was "the Silicon Valley Way."
And then, there was the hardware. For several weeks the Captain had the mechanical designer (Buffalo Bill's predecessor - and successor) design parts and have them made overnight, only to find that they still didn't fit the next day, and repeat the cycle. Our best machine shops will occasionally do us a favor and turn parts around in a couple of days. I wouldn't dream of asking a shop to turn multiple pieces around over night. I would be even less inclined to go back to them the next day and admit that I screwed up and asked for something that was just wrong. And, can you please forsake your family again tonight to make even more parts that will just be scrapped tomorrow morning anyway. Not so for the Captain. The customer is always right, even when he is a stupid jackass.
Eventually, the modified dispenser was due to ship. This was after I suggested to the electrical engineer that the reason why he kept blowing up thermoelectric coolers was because he was running a 12V part at 24V. Apparently, the Captain didn't read the package before handing the specs to the electrical engineer. Who would have figured.
We shipped out the dispenser (to a test sight on the other side of the continent), and the Mad Man from Down South was sent to install it. I guess he drew the short straw. He took some very lovely pictures of the device with things sticking up at funny angles. He commented on how the thing was put together and was stunned that it had worked at all. The Captain was very quick to site "tampering". Really? The VP of engineering went to our first alpha site and screwed with the device? What had he to gain? I don't know, but Captain Fantastic stuck to his guns.
When the Mad Man from Down South came back armed with pictures and props, the story changed. Then, it was blamed on "high frequency vibrations during shipping that vibrated all of the pieces apart". Really? I don't think that I will ever fly again. What keeps all of the bolts from falling out of the plane? Apparently, it's very common. I must admit that I have never hear of such a thing, and I coordinated service for what was possibly the world's most (strike that... second most) ill conceived device. Those things failed in may ways, but they never once failed because the bolts fell out during air travel. I have heard however, that the change in pressure during the flight can screw up pressure sensors. I find that one only slightly more plausible.
After several weeks of the Captain ordering more parts overnight and visiting the customer site himself (on a one-way ticket), the dew point control system kind of worked. Not that it mattered, the dispenser was unable to successfully put the liquid in the holes anyway.
The Mad Man called Captain fantastic a liar. This hurt the Captain's feelings. Nothing hurts like the truth... so they say.
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