Greetings avid readers. Please don't faint - it's two posts in a week. What can I say? The Mecca is a happening place.
So... you run a company, and you have been trying to bolster the share price so that you can find more little girls willing to let you steal their stuff. What do you do? You could always resort to the "product launch". Who cares that you've been trying to sell your product for six months already? Who cares that it really doesn't work? Who cares that you have no defined way to determine if a customer installation was successful? Who cares that the engineering team is coming up with band-aids daily? It doesn't matter. The fact is that nothing jazzes investors like a good product launch. Of course nothing sinks a ship like a good torpedo launch either.
Swiper and the Fearful COO have disappeared from sight in order to concoct a way to get the most mileage from a momentous event that they will be unable to recycle for at least six months. Of course, the hiding phase is followed by the now familiar flurry of activity. Change the company logo. Change the company colours. How about those press releases that really say nothing? Perhaps that is a result of the fact that the Mecca is currently in litigation with the company that does their media relations. Something about unpaid invoices. Or maybe there's nothing to say that wouldn't result in an SEC investigation. But, I digress.
Anyway, all of the pieces are in place. Recycle the same "customers" that we have been "shipping product to" since the very beginning. These guys have seen lots of instruments. Some day, they might actually pay for one. The only missing element is the company bling. It's a product launch, so they need to do something nice. They need to make sure that we feel that our dedication and team work are deeply appreciated. So, they gave out very nice polo shirts with the company logo.
I know what you are thinking right now... "what's wrong with that?" I forgot to mention that directors, VP's, and important people got that. The Proles got tacky plastic lunch boxes, defective coffee cups that hold approximately 1.5 ounces of coffee (trust me... that may be a favour though), and slightly different shirt. Rather than the nice polo shirt, the peons got $2 T's with the following slogan. "$mart A$$ays, not Half A$$ays". Great. My employer gave me a shirt that's too vulgar to wear to work. That's class.
Note that my security team has insisted that I replace the S's with $'s. Although, after a quick web search, it seems that even the marketing geniuses at the Mecca are not dumb enough to use that slogan in their literature.
Showing posts with label Fearful COO. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fearful COO. Show all posts
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm Back... for now
Good Evening. So much to say...
The top items for the week are:
Our security company doesn't know where our office is.
The US Postal Service doesn't know where our address is, but the mail man does, so he's looking out for us. You've gotta love the US postal service.
The fire department knows where we are. Apparently the new security system asked them to bring out the hook and ladder.
MNB: See, I didn't even threaten to fire you today.
MNB: I can't believe that he's [Swiper] run two companies. His expectations are totally unreasonable. You can't run a company on wishes.
MNB: You need to remember the rule of three. For each day vacation you want, you need to give me three business days notice. I need to be able to plan. I only have one Harbinger and one Sarcastic Brit. [I should have responded: And I bet even that's too many.]
You may have also heard that the COO needs her beauty rest.
Now... on with the show.
MNB had to have more consultants come in to tell us that we didn't know what we are doing. He actually hired some good consultants this time, and apparently the worst things they could find were that I was too defensive, and that the Sarcastic Brit was too arrogant.
Needless to say, MNB decided that he needed to take the Sarcastic Brit and I to task for it. I believe his exact words were "If you don't clean up your attitude, I will have to ask you to leave the organization." My response was to ask him why he keeps threatening to fire me, and noting the correlation between his threats and my defensiveness. He was confused. Apparently, asking me to leave the organization is not the same as firing me.
The next day, MNB asked me to come into Swiper's office, and handed me a bunch of shares as a reward for good work in helping to make the first commercial shipments happen. Of course, they have a one year vesting period. Maybe the Mecca will still be around in a year. Maybe MNB won't have made good on his threats. Oh well, I can always use free toilet paper. I do not know if the Sarcastic Brit got the same thing. If he didn't it would have been a crime. (He too appreciates a good -that would be free - roll of TP every now and then.) If he's reading now... I was told not to tell anybody... even my best friend. I don't remember any mention of Sarcastic Brits in there though. Nothing like a reward that's not made public. Makes me feel ashamed for doing a good job.
"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
This week, when the Sarcastic Brit had his one on one meeting with MNB, what I like to call "the weekly whipping", MNB told him that he could be "the most evil manager ever." What would possess somebody to say that type of thing to an employee? Can you say harassment? Of course, I was ready for my weekly whipping, which occurs one day later. I was going to point out that the only power he had over me was firing me. I didn't get my chance.
Unfortunately, MNB worked really hard at being civil during my whipping. He asked me if I was having a problem with anybody. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean. Perhaps I have made some new enemies that I don't know about. If so, it's news to me. He finished the meeting by noting that he didn't even threaten to fire me, and then accused me of giving him a complex. Funny, he keeps threatening to fire me. And HE's the one developing the complex?
Scary how easy it was to find this blog when searching for the "Sleep well Wesley" quote. It came up number 4. Perhaps I should make it unsearchable by Google. I hope that Swiper and MNB are not Princess Bride fans!
The top items for the week are:
Our security company doesn't know where our office is.
The US Postal Service doesn't know where our address is, but the mail man does, so he's looking out for us. You've gotta love the US postal service.
The fire department knows where we are. Apparently the new security system asked them to bring out the hook and ladder.
MNB: See, I didn't even threaten to fire you today.
MNB: I can't believe that he's [Swiper] run two companies. His expectations are totally unreasonable. You can't run a company on wishes.
MNB: You need to remember the rule of three. For each day vacation you want, you need to give me three business days notice. I need to be able to plan. I only have one Harbinger and one Sarcastic Brit. [I should have responded: And I bet even that's too many.]
You may have also heard that the COO needs her beauty rest.
Now... on with the show.
MNB had to have more consultants come in to tell us that we didn't know what we are doing. He actually hired some good consultants this time, and apparently the worst things they could find were that I was too defensive, and that the Sarcastic Brit was too arrogant.
Needless to say, MNB decided that he needed to take the Sarcastic Brit and I to task for it. I believe his exact words were "If you don't clean up your attitude, I will have to ask you to leave the organization." My response was to ask him why he keeps threatening to fire me, and noting the correlation between his threats and my defensiveness. He was confused. Apparently, asking me to leave the organization is not the same as firing me.
The next day, MNB asked me to come into Swiper's office, and handed me a bunch of shares as a reward for good work in helping to make the first commercial shipments happen. Of course, they have a one year vesting period. Maybe the Mecca will still be around in a year. Maybe MNB won't have made good on his threats. Oh well, I can always use free toilet paper. I do not know if the Sarcastic Brit got the same thing. If he didn't it would have been a crime. (He too appreciates a good -that would be free - roll of TP every now and then.) If he's reading now... I was told not to tell anybody... even my best friend. I don't remember any mention of Sarcastic Brits in there though. Nothing like a reward that's not made public. Makes me feel ashamed for doing a good job.
"Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
This week, when the Sarcastic Brit had his one on one meeting with MNB, what I like to call "the weekly whipping", MNB told him that he could be "the most evil manager ever." What would possess somebody to say that type of thing to an employee? Can you say harassment? Of course, I was ready for my weekly whipping, which occurs one day later. I was going to point out that the only power he had over me was firing me. I didn't get my chance.
Unfortunately, MNB worked really hard at being civil during my whipping. He asked me if I was having a problem with anybody. I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean. Perhaps I have made some new enemies that I don't know about. If so, it's news to me. He finished the meeting by noting that he didn't even threaten to fire me, and then accused me of giving him a complex. Funny, he keeps threatening to fire me. And HE's the one developing the complex?
Scary how easy it was to find this blog when searching for the "Sleep well Wesley" quote. It came up number 4. Perhaps I should make it unsearchable by Google. I hope that Swiper and MNB are not Princess Bride fans!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hard to kill
Greetings!
It has been quite some time since I have written, what with the impossible schedules at work, and the extra effort of trying (in vain) to find a job with a company that doesn't suck. At this point, I would settle for a company not run by a fictional character that steals things from little girls.
It seems that MNB may be finding that several members of his engineering team resemble Steven Seagal - that is they are hard to kill.
First, I would like to relate a discussion between myself and the Fearful COO.
COO: How are you doing.
Harbinger: Still here.
COO: Where else would you be? You NEED to be here!
Harbinger: The only reason why I am here is because there is too damned much snow in the mountains to drive back to Canada.
COO: Why ever would you say such a thing?
Harbinger: Perhaps my boss extolling the virtues of being fired has something to do with it.
COO: What do you mean? Surely you are taking it out of context.
Harbinger: Really? I don't think so.
COO: Tell me exactly what he said.
After I told her, she went white. That's pretty tricky for somebody who isn't Caucasian, but she managed.
Two days later, I was called into MNB's office.
MNB: Do you take everything I say seriously?
Harbinger: Shouldn't I?
MNB: You know I hear what you say. It gets back to me... I have sources.
Harbinger: Oh yeah. (Thinking - only what I want to get back to you).
MNB: Have you ever taken a project management course?
Harbinger: Not a real one.
MNB: You should find a course at UC Berkley or Stanford. The company will pay for it.
I would love to know what was said between the COO and MNB. Alas, I am sure that I never will know.
Next, MNB tried to get rid of the enlightened one. I have since been told that the Enlightened one is now my problem. Seems he too is somewhat hard to get rid of. Apparently, MNB didn't count on the fact that the Enlightened one has known the Fearful COO for over a decade, and that she was the person who brought him in to consult in the first place.
Finally, MNB told the Sarcastic Brit that he was being obstructionist, and that he was either with MNB or against him. And... if the Sarcastic Brit were against him he would be replaced very quickly. That sounds like a threat to me. I would advise the Sarcastic Brit to tell the COO about it, but alas, I wouldn't want MNB to think that he was powerless to fire any of his engineers. That would take all of the joy from his life.
Apparently, he didn't realize just how dysfunctional the Biotech Mecca really is. Maybe they are keeping his old job for him. I doubt it though, as he has already poached three staff members to come work at the Mecca. Replacements for people he isn't allowed to fire?
It has been quite some time since I have written, what with the impossible schedules at work, and the extra effort of trying (in vain) to find a job with a company that doesn't suck. At this point, I would settle for a company not run by a fictional character that steals things from little girls.
It seems that MNB may be finding that several members of his engineering team resemble Steven Seagal - that is they are hard to kill.
First, I would like to relate a discussion between myself and the Fearful COO.
COO: How are you doing.
Harbinger: Still here.
COO: Where else would you be? You NEED to be here!
Harbinger: The only reason why I am here is because there is too damned much snow in the mountains to drive back to Canada.
COO: Why ever would you say such a thing?
Harbinger: Perhaps my boss extolling the virtues of being fired has something to do with it.
COO: What do you mean? Surely you are taking it out of context.
Harbinger: Really? I don't think so.
COO: Tell me exactly what he said.
After I told her, she went white. That's pretty tricky for somebody who isn't Caucasian, but she managed.
Two days later, I was called into MNB's office.
MNB: Do you take everything I say seriously?
Harbinger: Shouldn't I?
MNB: You know I hear what you say. It gets back to me... I have sources.
Harbinger: Oh yeah. (Thinking - only what I want to get back to you).
MNB: Have you ever taken a project management course?
Harbinger: Not a real one.
MNB: You should find a course at UC Berkley or Stanford. The company will pay for it.
I would love to know what was said between the COO and MNB. Alas, I am sure that I never will know.
Next, MNB tried to get rid of the enlightened one. I have since been told that the Enlightened one is now my problem. Seems he too is somewhat hard to get rid of. Apparently, MNB didn't count on the fact that the Enlightened one has known the Fearful COO for over a decade, and that she was the person who brought him in to consult in the first place.
Finally, MNB told the Sarcastic Brit that he was being obstructionist, and that he was either with MNB or against him. And... if the Sarcastic Brit were against him he would be replaced very quickly. That sounds like a threat to me. I would advise the Sarcastic Brit to tell the COO about it, but alas, I wouldn't want MNB to think that he was powerless to fire any of his engineers. That would take all of the joy from his life.
Apparently, he didn't realize just how dysfunctional the Biotech Mecca really is. Maybe they are keeping his old job for him. I doubt it though, as he has already poached three staff members to come work at the Mecca. Replacements for people he isn't allowed to fire?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
EWA: 0 - PT Barnum: 2
I will get back to the Marvelous CTO. Tonight, I want to tell you about the latest addition to the Mecca's illustrious management team.
I remember a conversation with EWA (Evil Wall Street Analyst) quite some time ago, in which he told me that the Mecca was going to hire a new VP of Engineering for the Mecca that was so good "he was going to make me cream". MNB (My New Boss aka the new VP of Engineering) started last week, and let me tell you, my dreams have been anything but wet, unless you count perspiration.
First, MNB told me that we should not be buying our sample holder from a vendor in the far east. It took the Mad Man from Down South (the former VP of engineering) nearly six months to find one vendor that could actually make the things and sell them to us for an acceptable price. Of course MNB knows better and claimed that he had a shop in Silicon Valley that could do it better - and for as cheap. Having already talked to some of my own local vendors about it, I figured that if we were willing to pay about 40 times as much money, we could get them made locally. MNB told me that he knew better. Funny, he refused to show me the samples from his guy. I heard one of the other engineers refer to them as "scrap". No wet dreams yet.
Next, he told us that he would put a stop to the foolishness that is the Mecca's product build projections. No more changing requirements. Of course, we are now ordering parts for two variants of the system, in a yet to be determined quantity somewhere between 2 and 10. No problems. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he told us that we had to comb a 300 part bill of materials and make sure that all of the parts were correct. We had a day. Of course we couldn't let anything else we were doing slip. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he brought in his sidekick for two interviews. I was forced to show him the guts of our stuff. I suspect that he didn't have a non-disclosure agreement. It's ok though, because the guy works for MNB's old company, which is one of our competitors. And, there are no open positions at the Mecca, so even the HR person doesn't know why this guy is being interviewed. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he sent his CSA/UL/CE compliance consultant in to talk to us about getting safety certifications on the instrument. The consultant was actually good. I was impressed. Not creaming, but impressed. The consulant came back for a second look a week later. I was surprised by his speedy return since nothing had changed, and mentioned this to the consultant. The consultant confessed that MNB had asked him to come back to make sure that I understood simple things like the table of vent hole sizes, and to make sure that all of the wires are UL listed. Apparently, MNB thinks that I am either a sabateur, or really stupid. I asked him which it was. He told me that it was all a misunderstanding. Apparently, I misunderstood that he is a billigerent bully who is afraid of half of his engineering team. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he took the Sarcastic Brit out back and beat him for a paying too much for a part that our former boss (Mr. Ineffectual) had approved because we were told that getting the part quickly was more important than getting it cheaply. Apparently he wants to punish people for things that happened before he showed up. No wet dreams yet.
I guess that it doesn't help that I had the guy pegged as a biligerent bully from the moment I met him. Unfortunately my intuition seems to be too correct for comfort. No wet dreams yet.
The Fearful COO told us that he has experience "cleaning up" engineering teams with problems. Apparently, they have told MNB that the engineering team is problematic. I asked her if he cleaned up these teams by firing everybody. She informed me that she had looked into this, and he had not fired anybody. I am beginning to understand now. He didn't have to fire them. At the rate he's going, at least half of the engineering team will be gone before the end of January. I think that EWA has been suckered again. Point for PT.
EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 2
I remember a conversation with EWA (Evil Wall Street Analyst) quite some time ago, in which he told me that the Mecca was going to hire a new VP of Engineering for the Mecca that was so good "he was going to make me cream". MNB (My New Boss aka the new VP of Engineering) started last week, and let me tell you, my dreams have been anything but wet, unless you count perspiration.
First, MNB told me that we should not be buying our sample holder from a vendor in the far east. It took the Mad Man from Down South (the former VP of engineering) nearly six months to find one vendor that could actually make the things and sell them to us for an acceptable price. Of course MNB knows better and claimed that he had a shop in Silicon Valley that could do it better - and for as cheap. Having already talked to some of my own local vendors about it, I figured that if we were willing to pay about 40 times as much money, we could get them made locally. MNB told me that he knew better. Funny, he refused to show me the samples from his guy. I heard one of the other engineers refer to them as "scrap". No wet dreams yet.
Next, he told us that he would put a stop to the foolishness that is the Mecca's product build projections. No more changing requirements. Of course, we are now ordering parts for two variants of the system, in a yet to be determined quantity somewhere between 2 and 10. No problems. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he told us that we had to comb a 300 part bill of materials and make sure that all of the parts were correct. We had a day. Of course we couldn't let anything else we were doing slip. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he brought in his sidekick for two interviews. I was forced to show him the guts of our stuff. I suspect that he didn't have a non-disclosure agreement. It's ok though, because the guy works for MNB's old company, which is one of our competitors. And, there are no open positions at the Mecca, so even the HR person doesn't know why this guy is being interviewed. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he sent his CSA/UL/CE compliance consultant in to talk to us about getting safety certifications on the instrument. The consultant was actually good. I was impressed. Not creaming, but impressed. The consulant came back for a second look a week later. I was surprised by his speedy return since nothing had changed, and mentioned this to the consultant. The consultant confessed that MNB had asked him to come back to make sure that I understood simple things like the table of vent hole sizes, and to make sure that all of the wires are UL listed. Apparently, MNB thinks that I am either a sabateur, or really stupid. I asked him which it was. He told me that it was all a misunderstanding. Apparently, I misunderstood that he is a billigerent bully who is afraid of half of his engineering team. No wet dreams yet.
Then, he took the Sarcastic Brit out back and beat him for a paying too much for a part that our former boss (Mr. Ineffectual) had approved because we were told that getting the part quickly was more important than getting it cheaply. Apparently he wants to punish people for things that happened before he showed up. No wet dreams yet.
I guess that it doesn't help that I had the guy pegged as a biligerent bully from the moment I met him. Unfortunately my intuition seems to be too correct for comfort. No wet dreams yet.
The Fearful COO told us that he has experience "cleaning up" engineering teams with problems. Apparently, they have told MNB that the engineering team is problematic. I asked her if he cleaned up these teams by firing everybody. She informed me that she had looked into this, and he had not fired anybody. I am beginning to understand now. He didn't have to fire them. At the rate he's going, at least half of the engineering team will be gone before the end of January. I think that EWA has been suckered again. Point for PT.
EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 2
Monday, October 26, 2009
Like Rats Fleeing a Sinking Ship
The Sarcastic Brit and I had an interesting conversation with the Enlightened One on Thursday. He had been off for a week due to a bout of Bronchitis. Since he is technically retired, and not coming in for the money, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that he would not stress coming in when he was ill.
Unfortunately for the Mecca, he had time to think while he was gone. It seemed that the Enlightened One had become somewhat desensitized to the mayhem and foolishness that is working at the Mecca. Apparently, the Enlightened one had an epiphany: with only one notable exception, the entire senior management team is completely clueless. (Not to mention lying weasels.) They are unable to make a decision, and despite the fact that they are planning on selling instruments very soon, can't even figure out the basic market specifications.
This, coupled with the fact that the Enlightened One (who has done some pretty ground-breaking work in the field) is left managing a couple of clueless, arrogant, and conniving punks (that he refers to as "the children"), has left him questioning if this is really the way he wants to spend his golden years. Although the work is interesting, we are never allowed to finish anything, and are forced to cut so many corners that even good ideas are reduced to stinking turds. The Enlightened One has decided that he can find less frustrating pursuits to occupy his free time. Hence, he decided that he would finish out the week (that just passed) and call it quits.
As of last Friday, he hadn't broken the news to the Fearful COO, who is apparently an old friend of his from way back. I have not yet figured out if he is going to just stop showing up, or if his old friend will convince him that it's worth it to keep showing up.
Jaba (also an old friend of the Enlightened One) was not having a good week. About a month ago, he hired a team lead (to lead his team of duds) who was actually good. She made it about four weeks before deciding that risking her life on the highway for the Mecca was not a good thing to do. She took a rather large demotion (and pay cut) to get out and gave her one week's notice. Although she cited the commute, and the fact that she can walk to her new job as the reason for leaving, it was less than a 20 mile drive, and quite manageable by local standards. I suspect that she was feeling much the same way as the Enlightened One.
Personally, I didn't think things had been any worse lately than they were before. It's amazing how easy it is to get used to the pain.
I believe that this marks the beginning of the end for the Mecca. When the good people start leaving...
And the band played on.
Unfortunately for the Mecca, he had time to think while he was gone. It seemed that the Enlightened One had become somewhat desensitized to the mayhem and foolishness that is working at the Mecca. Apparently, the Enlightened one had an epiphany: with only one notable exception, the entire senior management team is completely clueless. (Not to mention lying weasels.) They are unable to make a decision, and despite the fact that they are planning on selling instruments very soon, can't even figure out the basic market specifications.
This, coupled with the fact that the Enlightened One (who has done some pretty ground-breaking work in the field) is left managing a couple of clueless, arrogant, and conniving punks (that he refers to as "the children"), has left him questioning if this is really the way he wants to spend his golden years. Although the work is interesting, we are never allowed to finish anything, and are forced to cut so many corners that even good ideas are reduced to stinking turds. The Enlightened One has decided that he can find less frustrating pursuits to occupy his free time. Hence, he decided that he would finish out the week (that just passed) and call it quits.
As of last Friday, he hadn't broken the news to the Fearful COO, who is apparently an old friend of his from way back. I have not yet figured out if he is going to just stop showing up, or if his old friend will convince him that it's worth it to keep showing up.
Jaba (also an old friend of the Enlightened One) was not having a good week. About a month ago, he hired a team lead (to lead his team of duds) who was actually good. She made it about four weeks before deciding that risking her life on the highway for the Mecca was not a good thing to do. She took a rather large demotion (and pay cut) to get out and gave her one week's notice. Although she cited the commute, and the fact that she can walk to her new job as the reason for leaving, it was less than a 20 mile drive, and quite manageable by local standards. I suspect that she was feeling much the same way as the Enlightened One.
Personally, I didn't think things had been any worse lately than they were before. It's amazing how easy it is to get used to the pain.
I believe that this marks the beginning of the end for the Mecca. When the good people start leaving...
And the band played on.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The beatings will continue until morale improves
First of all, I must apologize for my recent hiatus from posting. Things have been very busy at the Biotech Mecca, although (as usual) nothing really moves forward.
I would like to take a break from Captain Fantastic and spend a bit of time writing about morale. What precipitated this unanticipated change in topics, you may ask? It has come to my attention that the executive assistant is leaving. What makes this special is that it's only been a couple of weeks since the useless receptionist was sacked, and the executive assistant has only been employed with the Biotech Mecca for less than six weeks.
Originally, the Biotech Mecca had only the receptionist. At least, she usually sat at the front desk. That is when she wasn't napping in her car, participating in deep religious conversations with the accountant who is supposed to be doing the SEC filings (remember him?), staring with moon eyes at the Sarcastic Brit (who is apparently the sexiest man in the universe), or just generally staring out into space. Please note that this list did NOT include answering the telephone. Since there was no automated switchboard at that time, it made everybody at the Biotech Mecca somewhat difficult to get in touch with.
Anyway, the receptionist was responsible for greeting people at the door, issuing purchase orders (and God forbid actually ordering crap), as well as performing generally assistive tasks. The truth of the matter is that she was hired by a couple of people who thought that she was hot (I would hate to see their opinion of ugly). She also had about a 25% success rate with ordering things, and was nearly as bad about keeping track of the paperwork for this. Despite these things, she was sent to training so that she would be qualified to do the SEC filings. I should also mention that she managed to convince her boss (the unmarried accountant who thought that she was hot) that it should be no problem to stop working Fridays. After all, she wasn't being paid that well anyway.
Before too long, it was decided that the Biotech Mecca had grown enough that we needed a person to take care of accounts payable. Hence the Dragon Lady was hired. Being a cross between Tony Soprano and Rambo, the Dragon Lady didn't take kindly to lost paperwork and soon assumed the ordering part of things. Then, she started answering the phones. Then she started taking care of all of the shipping. After that, the Dragon Lady started taking care of things like making sure that the cleaners came in to do the floors, and eventually also picked up the task of being the personal assistant for the CEO and the COO.
Oddly enough, it was determined that another person was required. They hired the Amazon princess. As far as I can tell, the only thing important to this particular princess is her horse. As she sits in the cubicle across from me, I have gotten to hear all about the horse (and about how sweetly I talk to my wife on the telephone.) Anyway, the Horse Princess apparently has a long history of working for functional companies. It seems that in functional companies, executive assistants are not required to go and fetch lunch, run to the business store, and clean up the conference room before important meetings.
I do not need to tell you that the Horse Princess and the Dragon Lady don't get along. I have always been told that power struggles between women can get ugly. I now understand what that means.
After a week or two, the insightful management decided that all of this administrative assistance was too expensive, so they axed the receptionist. Of course, the Dragon Lady had managed to take over most of her duties anyway. The only problem was that they needed a warm body to man the front desk from 9:00-5:00. The Dragon Lady worked 7:00-3:00. It was decided that the Dragon Lady and the Horse Princess would take turns working late. Unfortunately, nobody ever told the Dragon Lady, who suddenly got pushed into a 7:00-5:00 schedule and has yet to see a dime of extra money. Needless to say, she's not happy to see the Horse Princess work from 9:00-4:30. Apparently, that is because the Horse Princess takes her lunch at 4:30 so she can leave early and go to see her horse. I don't want to know.
It didn't take long for the Dragon Lady to start breathing fire. When 7-5 turns into 7-6, and you feel like you are running the whole show (doing what two weeks before was supposed to be the work of three people), it tends to make you irritable. The next thing that happened was that the Dragon Lady was asked to manage the company morale. I believe that they were thinking specifically of the Sarcastic Brit and myself, as we tend to be unsubtley pessimistic about anything to do with the Biotech Mecca.
It seems that the Horse Princess has only two functions. The first is to talk to real estate agents about moving the company to somewhere that doesn't suck. I believe that the proper description would be somewhere that we could conduct business without the Occupational Health and Safety Administration throwing us all in jail. The second is to revise all of the forms that the Dragon Lady has been spending the last year creating. However, that answering the phone for the executives when they are away (which is pretty much all of the time) is not on that list.
I get the picture that the Dragon Lady has not been very interested in playing ball with the Horse Princess. Perhaps this is part of the reason that the Horse Princess has given her notice. Perhaps it is because the senior management has a long track record of lies and incompetence. In either case, she gave one week notice, and is leaving tomorrow. From what I hear, the CEO had no idea why she would want to leave such a wonderful company, and nobody has bothered informing the COO who got home from a three-week vacation in the Middle East (religious pilgrimage perhaps?) only to be shuffled onto a plane bound for New York to try to sooth irate investors. Perhaps the COO won't notice anyway though, who emailed me today to find out what is going on at here at the Biotech Mecca.
When the Horse Princess told me that she was leaving, I asked her why. She cited her commute, the horse, and the generally screwed up state of the company. She told me that at least we would be moving to a nice new facility. My response was "Great. Then we can be a crappy company in a good facility." She didn't argue. She did make a point of telling me how important I am to the company. She then asked me how I have made it almost two years. My response is that the company is much better than it used to be. But those stories are for future posts.
I would like to take a break from Captain Fantastic and spend a bit of time writing about morale. What precipitated this unanticipated change in topics, you may ask? It has come to my attention that the executive assistant is leaving. What makes this special is that it's only been a couple of weeks since the useless receptionist was sacked, and the executive assistant has only been employed with the Biotech Mecca for less than six weeks.
Originally, the Biotech Mecca had only the receptionist. At least, she usually sat at the front desk. That is when she wasn't napping in her car, participating in deep religious conversations with the accountant who is supposed to be doing the SEC filings (remember him?), staring with moon eyes at the Sarcastic Brit (who is apparently the sexiest man in the universe), or just generally staring out into space. Please note that this list did NOT include answering the telephone. Since there was no automated switchboard at that time, it made everybody at the Biotech Mecca somewhat difficult to get in touch with.
Anyway, the receptionist was responsible for greeting people at the door, issuing purchase orders (and God forbid actually ordering crap), as well as performing generally assistive tasks. The truth of the matter is that she was hired by a couple of people who thought that she was hot (I would hate to see their opinion of ugly). She also had about a 25% success rate with ordering things, and was nearly as bad about keeping track of the paperwork for this. Despite these things, she was sent to training so that she would be qualified to do the SEC filings. I should also mention that she managed to convince her boss (the unmarried accountant who thought that she was hot) that it should be no problem to stop working Fridays. After all, she wasn't being paid that well anyway.
Before too long, it was decided that the Biotech Mecca had grown enough that we needed a person to take care of accounts payable. Hence the Dragon Lady was hired. Being a cross between Tony Soprano and Rambo, the Dragon Lady didn't take kindly to lost paperwork and soon assumed the ordering part of things. Then, she started answering the phones. Then she started taking care of all of the shipping. After that, the Dragon Lady started taking care of things like making sure that the cleaners came in to do the floors, and eventually also picked up the task of being the personal assistant for the CEO and the COO.
Oddly enough, it was determined that another person was required. They hired the Amazon princess. As far as I can tell, the only thing important to this particular princess is her horse. As she sits in the cubicle across from me, I have gotten to hear all about the horse (and about how sweetly I talk to my wife on the telephone.) Anyway, the Horse Princess apparently has a long history of working for functional companies. It seems that in functional companies, executive assistants are not required to go and fetch lunch, run to the business store, and clean up the conference room before important meetings.
I do not need to tell you that the Horse Princess and the Dragon Lady don't get along. I have always been told that power struggles between women can get ugly. I now understand what that means.
After a week or two, the insightful management decided that all of this administrative assistance was too expensive, so they axed the receptionist. Of course, the Dragon Lady had managed to take over most of her duties anyway. The only problem was that they needed a warm body to man the front desk from 9:00-5:00. The Dragon Lady worked 7:00-3:00. It was decided that the Dragon Lady and the Horse Princess would take turns working late. Unfortunately, nobody ever told the Dragon Lady, who suddenly got pushed into a 7:00-5:00 schedule and has yet to see a dime of extra money. Needless to say, she's not happy to see the Horse Princess work from 9:00-4:30. Apparently, that is because the Horse Princess takes her lunch at 4:30 so she can leave early and go to see her horse. I don't want to know.
It didn't take long for the Dragon Lady to start breathing fire. When 7-5 turns into 7-6, and you feel like you are running the whole show (doing what two weeks before was supposed to be the work of three people), it tends to make you irritable. The next thing that happened was that the Dragon Lady was asked to manage the company morale. I believe that they were thinking specifically of the Sarcastic Brit and myself, as we tend to be unsubtley pessimistic about anything to do with the Biotech Mecca.
It seems that the Horse Princess has only two functions. The first is to talk to real estate agents about moving the company to somewhere that doesn't suck. I believe that the proper description would be somewhere that we could conduct business without the Occupational Health and Safety Administration throwing us all in jail. The second is to revise all of the forms that the Dragon Lady has been spending the last year creating. However, that answering the phone for the executives when they are away (which is pretty much all of the time) is not on that list.
I get the picture that the Dragon Lady has not been very interested in playing ball with the Horse Princess. Perhaps this is part of the reason that the Horse Princess has given her notice. Perhaps it is because the senior management has a long track record of lies and incompetence. In either case, she gave one week notice, and is leaving tomorrow. From what I hear, the CEO had no idea why she would want to leave such a wonderful company, and nobody has bothered informing the COO who got home from a three-week vacation in the Middle East (religious pilgrimage perhaps?) only to be shuffled onto a plane bound for New York to try to sooth irate investors. Perhaps the COO won't notice anyway though, who emailed me today to find out what is going on at here at the Biotech Mecca.
When the Horse Princess told me that she was leaving, I asked her why. She cited her commute, the horse, and the generally screwed up state of the company. She told me that at least we would be moving to a nice new facility. My response was "Great. Then we can be a crappy company in a good facility." She didn't argue. She did make a point of telling me how important I am to the company. She then asked me how I have made it almost two years. My response is that the company is much better than it used to be. But those stories are for future posts.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
The New VP of Engineering
Apparently, the board of directors is somewhat concerned about the fact that two of the critical roles in the company (CTO and VP of Engineering) are vacant. The Chief Technical Officer was a crazy bastard who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag with a chain saw, and the VP of Engineering was a mad man - technically brilliant but such a loose canon that even those who worked for him routinely had to seek cover.
Anyway, we have been told that we need a new VP of Engineering. However, we have also been told that this person doesn't need to be at all technical, despite the fact that the proposed structure of the engineering team is as follows.
Executive VP of Product Development (WTF?) - TBD
VP of Product Development (WTF?) - Harbinger's ineffectual boss
VP (or director) of Manufacturing - TBD
VP of Engineering - TBD
Engineers (X5)
Mechanical Designer
Field Service Engineer
Lab Tech (X2 - but one of them is Jar Jar who doesn't really count for much but attracting flies)
According to this count, we have 4 VP level people managing nine "individual contributors". That seems to be a bit top heavy to me, but despite that, the Fearful COO assures me that none of the VP level people need to be technical leaders. That role is fine in the hands of myself and the Sarcastic Brit.
Four administrators for nine people? That must qualify for a record or something.
Moving on, we were asked to interview this VP candidate. For some reason, the only members of the engineering team asked to interview the candidate were myself and the Sarcastic Brit. There were four other members of the engineering team at that time (not counting Jar Jar), of which two would report directly to this new VP.
So, the Sarcastic Brit and I sat down with her. We tried to be nice. We showed her the prototype. We asked her if she had punched anybody in the mouth recently, as this is a useful skill at the Biotech Mecca. Then, I asked her if she had any useful skills. She claimed to have none. The only thing she could think of to help reduce our work load was writing documents. Too bad about the spelling errors in her resume.
The following day, we had a round table meeting to discuss this candidate. All of the following (important?) players were in attendance:
The COO (the fearful one)
The VP of Biology (Jaba the Hut, without the scantily clad women). His team would be more useful if they were encased in carbonite.
The former VP of Biology (Indian Barbapapa) who was given an indefinite, in office vacation for being an incompetent, lying weasel. They didn't fire him though, as liars are highly valued at the Biotech Mecca. It would seem they are very useful for dealing with the SEC and investors.
The Enlightened one (who is a consultant)
The Chief Scientific Officer (who works approximately one day per week. But he's a brilliant scientist so we pay him lots of money to sully his good name.)
The VP of Product Development (my boss... speaking of purely administrative people)
The four engineers and the mechanical designer (added at my insistence)
Nearly half of the company was there and we were unanimous: She had no useful skills. Despite that, the COO believed her suitable. Although the COO was a little bit worried about the pair of tire tracks left in the parking lot by the candidate's car upon leaving. This prompted the COO to ask us what we did to make her so scared. I remember hearing that this candidate is currently unemployed. Apparently, the bread line is more appealing than working at the Biotech Mecca. I was (needless to say) quick to share that observation. They didn't fire me. Damn, I'll have to try harder next time.
Anyway, we have been told that we need a new VP of Engineering. However, we have also been told that this person doesn't need to be at all technical, despite the fact that the proposed structure of the engineering team is as follows.
Executive VP of Product Development (WTF?) - TBD
VP of Product Development (WTF?) - Harbinger's ineffectual boss
VP (or director) of Manufacturing - TBD
VP of Engineering - TBD
Engineers (X5)
Mechanical Designer
Field Service Engineer
Lab Tech (X2 - but one of them is Jar Jar who doesn't really count for much but attracting flies)
According to this count, we have 4 VP level people managing nine "individual contributors". That seems to be a bit top heavy to me, but despite that, the Fearful COO assures me that none of the VP level people need to be technical leaders. That role is fine in the hands of myself and the Sarcastic Brit.
Four administrators for nine people? That must qualify for a record or something.
Moving on, we were asked to interview this VP candidate. For some reason, the only members of the engineering team asked to interview the candidate were myself and the Sarcastic Brit. There were four other members of the engineering team at that time (not counting Jar Jar), of which two would report directly to this new VP.
So, the Sarcastic Brit and I sat down with her. We tried to be nice. We showed her the prototype. We asked her if she had punched anybody in the mouth recently, as this is a useful skill at the Biotech Mecca. Then, I asked her if she had any useful skills. She claimed to have none. The only thing she could think of to help reduce our work load was writing documents. Too bad about the spelling errors in her resume.
The following day, we had a round table meeting to discuss this candidate. All of the following (important?) players were in attendance:
The COO (the fearful one)
The VP of Biology (Jaba the Hut, without the scantily clad women). His team would be more useful if they were encased in carbonite.
The former VP of Biology (Indian Barbapapa) who was given an indefinite, in office vacation for being an incompetent, lying weasel. They didn't fire him though, as liars are highly valued at the Biotech Mecca. It would seem they are very useful for dealing with the SEC and investors.
The Enlightened one (who is a consultant)
The Chief Scientific Officer (who works approximately one day per week. But he's a brilliant scientist so we pay him lots of money to sully his good name.)
The VP of Product Development (my boss... speaking of purely administrative people)
The four engineers and the mechanical designer (added at my insistence)
Nearly half of the company was there and we were unanimous: She had no useful skills. Despite that, the COO believed her suitable. Although the COO was a little bit worried about the pair of tire tracks left in the parking lot by the candidate's car upon leaving. This prompted the COO to ask us what we did to make her so scared. I remember hearing that this candidate is currently unemployed. Apparently, the bread line is more appealing than working at the Biotech Mecca. I was (needless to say) quick to share that observation. They didn't fire me. Damn, I'll have to try harder next time.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A typical day at the Ranch
My original thought with this blog was to post the story in chronological order. I have decided to break the rules on the first day. The reason for this flagrant disregard of my own rules is simply due to my own inability to remember things in sufficient detail. The unfortunate thing about forgetting things is the stuff that I would make up would be less entertaining than what really happens.
The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.
From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]
I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.
Cheers,
[Harbinger of Doom]
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
The following is a real email thread that has been going on over the last couple of days. In the spirit of keeping myself employed and out of court I have altered the identities of the participants. Note that the altered text is [blue]. I have also presented it to read from top to bottom - which is not the way the thread originally appeared.
From: [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 17:16:07 -0700
To: [Harbinger of Doom]
Subject: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]
[Harbinger of Doom],
I received some reject samples from [the accountant that does your SOX compliance]. There is a [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC] sticker with the samples. What is the purpose of these samples?
[Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]
From: [Harbinger of Doom]
To: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss];[Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tue Aug 18 18:14:11 2009
Subject: FW: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
[Ineffectual Boss],
I have five questions:
- Why is [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] working on chip QC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]?
- Who gave [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] the samples?
- What are the samples?
- Why was I not told that this was happening?
- Who gets to tell [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that we are so disorganized that we gave him samples from a competing vendor, and that the engineering team had no idea that it was happening?
I appreciated your telling [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] that I was the point of contact, but it seems to be untrue.
Cheers,
[Harbinger of Doom]
From: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
Sent: Tuesday, August 18, 2009 10:03 PM
To: [Habinger of Doom]; [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: Re: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
What is going on?
[CEO aka Swiper the Fox]
From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 9:36 AM
To: [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
I have no idea what [the accountant that does the SOX compliance] is giving to, nor communicating to, [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]. What are the goals of his trip?
I am not aware of any engineering discussions that he needs to be involved with.
-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
From: [Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
Sent: Wednesday, August 19, 2009 11:13 AM
To: [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]; [CEO aka Swiper the Fox]; [Harbinger of Doom]; [Sarcastic Brit]
Cc: [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund]
Subject: RE: I received 3 reject samples from [the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
[the accountant that does the SOX compliance] ,
What is the source of these chips, and why are you having technical discussions with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC]? From what I heard, you gave [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] labeled reject chips from [the other vendor - who actually makes the crap that passes QC], our primary chip vendor. If that is the case, it is obviously bad business practice to expose the identity of the competing vendor, as well as give their samples to the second source. [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] is already well aware of the specifications and the quality improvements that they need to demonstrate.
Please do not free-lance on technical issues. In this case, [Harbinger of Doom] is the POC with [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] and will handle all technical communications.
-[Harbinger's ineffectual boss]
From:[the accountant that does the SOX compliance]
| Sent: | Wednesday, August 19, 2009 4:48 PM |
| To: | |
| Cc: | [Fearful COO]; [Investor who wants a refund] |
I never have any technical issue with the china chip, and never talk to him about china, I brought the [Part Supplier whose stuff doesn't pass QC] chip , so they can see what was wrong with the chip that was rejected by [the former head of Engineering that was sacked for being too honest and competent], that was all
One final note on this topic, the accountant that does the Sorbanes Oxley compliance doesn't actually do any of the work. The accounting is done by a consultant and the filings were done by the receptionist. Until she got sacked for being unable to answer the phone. What does the accountant who is supposed to be doing the SOX compliance do? Good question. He spends a lot of time lurking in dark rooms talking on his cell phone in spanish. It has become a common game to enter the room he's in, turn on the lights and count the number of seconds it takes him to scuttle away like a cockroach.
But... more on that later.
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