I wish that Scott Adams would stop spying on me!

I had my weekly one on one with MNB yesterday. It was revealing. I will admit that I haven't been discreet regarding my disgruntlement. The conversation went something like this:

MNB: You seem to be very high strung.
Harbinger: No, I'm just crazy after working in a mad house for two years.
MNB: How many jobs have you held?
Harbinger: It depends on how you count the mergers and acquisitions. Let's call it four or so companies.
MNB: So, you've been around. Have you ever been fired?
Harbinger: No. I have always left by my choice.
MNB: You know it's not so bad. The first time I was fired from a job, I had six months to stay home. I built a deck and had a great time with my kids.
Harbinger: I'm happy for you. (Thinking: PLEASE FIRE ME. JUST GIVE ME A PACKAGE!)
MNB: Any other complaints?
Harbinger: I make less money than I did when I started two years ago, and nobody has any appreciation for anything the engineering team has accomplished despite the horrible management.
MNB: Less money? Haven't you gotten a raise or bonus?
Harbinger: No.
MNB: What about yearly performance reviews?
Harbinger: What's a performance review?
MNB: Oh.

Of course, I sent the following email to EWA today. I'm not sure if he will appreciate it or not, but I figured that at least it be enjoyable to imagine his reaction.


EWA,

I didn't get a chance to say hello last time you were in. It seems like they are keeping you away from the engineers. That's probably a good thing...

Jaba asked me how I felt about Slimy Indian Barbapapa's leaving today. My response was "cheated". Looks like I won't be getting his dog tags... which is sad, as I also hear that he has been trying to get rid of me. Of course, I should probably be more worried about my new boss asking me if I have ever been fired before, and extolling the virtues of getting the axe.

That having been said... do you know anybody who's looking for somebody with my skill set? A quick census of the engineering team reveals that at least six members of the engineering team are talking about seeking new employment, if not actually doing it. So... if you know anybody who needs an entire engineering team, that could probably be accommodated too.

In any case, The Sarcastic Brit mentioned that you would probably stop by once we are in the new facility. I would love it if you dropped by to say hello, unless I'm reveling in the freedom of unemployment. The strange thing is that I am not upset about being fired (I think that I would count it as a favor). It's more the fact that I am outraged that they believe that The Sarcastic Brit and I can be replaced by a manufacturing technician.

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Cheers,

The Harbinger of Doom

Perhaps it was a bit over the top... but what can they do? Fire me?

In other news... Slimy Indian Barbapapa finished his last day at the Mecca today. His supporters went out for lunch with him. They had cake in the afternoon. I was conveniently absent. I showed up after the cake to check on a package that I was supposed to receive today. It hadn't arrived. I ran into the Sarcastic Brit. The conversation went like this:

Sarcastic Brit: What are you doing here? I thought you left on account of your wife's birthday.
Harbinger: Yeah, but I came back to say goodbye to Slimy Indian Barbapapa.
Sarcastic Brit: (raises eyebrow) Really?
Harbinger: Yeah, and to tell him of my hope that there is a special place in hell for lying, backstabbing ba$ta%@s like him.
Sarcastic Brit: I see. Have fun.

In all, it was pretty much a normal day at the Mecca.

EWA: 0 - PT Barnum: 2

I will get back to the Marvelous CTO. Tonight, I want to tell you about the latest addition to the Mecca's illustrious management team.

I remember a conversation with EWA (Evil Wall Street Analyst) quite some time ago, in which he told me that the Mecca was going to hire a new VP of Engineering for the Mecca that was so good "he was going to make me cream". MNB (My New Boss aka the new VP of Engineering) started last week, and let me tell you, my dreams have been anything but wet, unless you count perspiration.

First, MNB told me that we should not be buying our sample holder from a vendor in the far east. It took the Mad Man from Down South (the former VP of engineering) nearly six months to find one vendor that could actually make the things and sell them to us for an acceptable price. Of course MNB knows better and claimed that he had a shop in Silicon Valley that could do it better - and for as cheap. Having already talked to some of my own local vendors about it, I figured that if we were willing to pay about 40 times as much money, we could get them made locally. MNB told me that he knew better. Funny, he refused to show me the samples from his guy. I heard one of the other engineers refer to them as "scrap". No wet dreams yet.

Next, he told us that he would put a stop to the foolishness that is the Mecca's product build projections. No more changing requirements. Of course, we are now ordering parts for two variants of the system, in a yet to be determined quantity somewhere between 2 and 10. No problems. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he told us that we had to comb a 300 part bill of materials and make sure that all of the parts were correct. We had a day. Of course we couldn't let anything else we were doing slip. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he brought in his sidekick for two interviews. I was forced to show him the guts of our stuff. I suspect that he didn't have a non-disclosure agreement. It's ok though, because the guy works for MNB's old company, which is one of our competitors. And, there are no open positions at the Mecca, so even the HR person doesn't know why this guy is being interviewed. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he sent his CSA/UL/CE compliance consultant in to talk to us about getting safety certifications on the instrument. The consultant was actually good. I was impressed. Not creaming, but impressed. The consulant came back for a second look a week later. I was surprised by his speedy return since nothing had changed, and mentioned this to the consultant. The consultant confessed that MNB had asked him to come back to make sure that I understood simple things like the table of vent hole sizes, and to make sure that all of the wires are UL listed. Apparently, MNB thinks that I am either a sabateur, or really stupid. I asked him which it was. He told me that it was all a misunderstanding. Apparently, I misunderstood that he is a billigerent bully who is afraid of half of his engineering team. No wet dreams yet.

Then, he took the Sarcastic Brit out back and beat him for a paying too much for a part that our former boss (Mr. Ineffectual) had approved because we were told that getting the part quickly was more important than getting it cheaply. Apparently he wants to punish people for things that happened before he showed up. No wet dreams yet.

I guess that it doesn't help that I had the guy pegged as a biligerent bully from the moment I met him. Unfortunately my intuition seems to be too correct for comfort. No wet dreams yet.

The Fearful COO told us that he has experience "cleaning up" engineering teams with problems. Apparently, they have told MNB that the engineering team is problematic. I asked her if he cleaned up these teams by firing everybody. She informed me that she had looked into this, and he had not fired anybody. I am beginning to understand now. He didn't have to fire them. At the rate he's going, at least half of the engineering team will be gone before the end of January. I think that EWA has been suckered again. Point for PT.

EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 2

PT Barnum VS EWA

There is a sucker born every minute. Perhaps every sucker has a minute when they realize that they're it. Apparently, EWA had that moment recently. Last time I talked to him, he confessed that he and his wife were talking (and apparently drinking) a while back and he burst out laughing. It finally dawned on him that when you enter the room as the big, bad Wall Street money man, and then Engineers start to mock you for ponying up the dough based on false press releases, you should run.

Perhaps it wouldn't have been as painful for him had he come to the Mecca and looked at what we had. Perhaps it wouldn't have been as painful had he done some homework before throwing in the money. Perhaps he is just willing to pay for a good story. I'm quite often happy to give a couple of bucks to people begging in front of the grocery store. If they tell me a good hard luck story, I feel better for giving them my loose change. Perhaps it makes investment bankers feel good to give down and out companies a couple of million for a good story. The net effect is the same. The money won't go to improving the recipients lot - it will only be spent on cheap booze and hookers.

The moral of the story - if the engineers mock you - Run. Run fast, run far, and don't forget to take your money with you. I doubt that EWA will forget that lesson any time soon.

For now, the count stands as follows:
EWA: 0
PT Barnum: 1
Swiper: 26 million duped and counting.

Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts? (Part 2)

So... the Evil Wall Street Analyst has come and kicked some butt. After much butt kicking, the following events happened:

1) Slimy Indian Barbapapa has been removed as head of Biology. He hasn't been fired though... he's too slimy for that.
2) The CTO (who couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag) with a chainsaw has been sacked. Perhaps it was because he was useless. Or perhaps he was a crazy a**hole who was fond of screaming "chicken sh*t" during meetings.
3) The petty thief CFO (who couldn't balance a check book) was fired.
4) Jaba was hired.

I was invited out for beer with EWA, Jaba, my Boss, and the scared COO.

It always amazes me how deep the bullsh!t gets piled when people consume even a couple of beers. Apparently, the acts listed above were all that were needed to solve the company's problems. It didn't matter that the CEO was still a liar, that the COO was scared of the CEO, or that the senior management is still unable to make a decision and stick to it. (Even ordering lunch appears to be a problem.) Perhaps, if the specifications stopped changing, we could build an instrument... but I digress.

It seems also that the CTO and CFO were fired on my say so. WOW, I wield a lot of power. Why do I constantly feel that I am speaking to the wall? Why did I have to lobby for a month to fire a consultant who feels that it's fine to come in to work between the hours of three and six in the morning, and also vehemently believes that pneumatic actuators provide more force when held upright than they do if you flip them upside down? Of course, this guy also believes that a proper vacuum seal should use a nice soft, rubber gasket. Really? Apparently, the perveyors of O-rings are conducting the largest engineering scam in the history of mankind. And to think that they almost took me in. Yet more digression.

Of course, I told EWA that I wanted to see Indian Barbapapa's head on a pike. (So that I can wave at him... like this.) Instead, it seems that Indian Barbapapa gets to keep his salary... his office... his influence... in fact, all he loses is his workload and responsibility. Some pike! It's not like he lied chronically to the CEO and board regarding the state the biology. It's not like he didn't bother to check the IP on anything. It's not like he didn't try to have everybody who was competent and question his lies unceremoniously sacked. It's not like he's key to the fact that every member of the biology team (people he hired personally) is an incompetent liar, trained by him personally. It's not like he is still trying to subvert his replacement (Jaba). Again, I digress. Needless to say, the pike has yet to be forthcoming. But, I am a patient man. EWA promised, after all. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Are all Wall Street Analysts loudmouthed braggarts?

I had an interesting conversation last week with the Mecca's single largest investor. The Evil Wall Street Analyst (EWA). My first encounter with EWA was about six months ago. He had been working for an investment firm in New York as their biotech analyst, and had somehow gotten in touch with one of the Mecca's other investors (who is an anti-biotech analyst) and was convinced that the Mecca's product was the next best thing since sliced bread.

Swiper had placed a press release saying that we had just shipped our alpha prototype right before trying to raise more capital. Of course, I remember the Chief Scientific Officer giving the Mad Man from Down South a big hug in congratulations. Perhaps this was his attempt at sarcasm, since we still had most of the pieces of said alpha prototype on the bench. That is not to mention the ones that hadn't been fabricated yet.

Anyway, EWA told his boss to put all of his chips in. EWA also threw in a million or two of his own money. He's rich, but he's not Warren Buffet. It's still a significant amount of money. Imagine his level of mirth when he discovered that we hadn't shipped Jack. Actually, we decided to name alpha prototype 1 Luke, not Jack.

He called up Swiper and said that he was coming for a friendly visit. Worried that the Mad Man from Down South would spill the beans, (and provided with a convenient excuse) Swiper sacked the Mad Man from Down South. (That, my friends... is another story.) The Mad Man met with the investors and spilled the beans anyway. The next day, EWA came in and met with almost every employee of the company. The engineering meeting went like this:

EWA: Those f*ckers gamed me!
(Note: He used this exact phrase)
EWA: The Biologists: Are they useful?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope: I'd fire every last one of them.
EWA: None of the are worth keeping?
Sarcastic Brit: Nope.
EWA: How do you think the company is doing?
Sarcastic Brit: Is it possible to close the place down and start over?
EWA: Does anybody here own stock in the company?
Everybody shakes head no.
Harbinger: I have some options that are at least a buck underwater - and those are the cheap options I have. Perhaps I should exercise them and lose a crap load of money.
EWA: Just imagine if you had actually put money in.
Sarcastic Brit: Sucks to be you.

At this point EWA handed out his business card and invited us to call him and discuss anything we wanted - off the record of course.

After the "official meeting" EWA took the Sarcastic Brit and myself aside and told us that he would fix the company. After all, he had done this before, and had a lot riding on it. All we had to do was hold on until he had fixed everything. This was last May. He promised us riches beyond our wildest dreams. Well, at least they hadn't missed payroll yet.